Monday, November 28, 2011

The Aftermath


i used a pretty dramatic title for what i'm about to write.  the word aftermath is most commonly used after devastation.  i don't mean to offend anyone or downplay any sort of true devastation that any of you may have endured but it was the first word that came to my mind when i thought about writing this entry.  i looked up the meaning of the word and read the following:

n.
1.  A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune: famine as an aftermath of drought.
2.  A period of time following a disastrous event: in the aftermath of war.
3.  A second growth or crop in the same season, as of grass after mowing.

#3 looked fitting enough.  not so tragic, yet, to that crop that was harvested...well, devastation, right?  there are days that i feel as though i'm living in the aftermath.  of war.  even though we've been through no sort of misfortune or disastrous event.  certainly not that of war, although you would think WWIII goes on some days in my home.  i've decided that the title still fits the point that i'm about to get to.  so let's get to it.

adoption is one of the coolest experiences i've ever been through.  one of the most selfish and unselfish things i've ever done.  selfish because i wanted another baby after already having 3 to love.  it seems excessive to take on a child when i'd already been blessed with three.  and selfless for the same reason mentioned before.

throughout the adoption process, 15 months, give or take a week, there was so much excitement.  we had so much anticipation, the thrill of the hunt kind of thing.  i would stalk blogs, read up on adoption websites, ask questions from already adopted parents and lots, i mean LOTS of sincere prayers.

and the homecoming was nothing short of amazing.  friends and family stood at the airport with signs, gifts, smiles and hugs waiting to be given.  it was a beautiful thing.

once we arrived home, there were days and weeks that friends came by, family called to check in, gifts continued to come, dinners brought over and so many other supportive and exciting events occurred.  it was a busy time for us all.  it was a whirlwind.  it was exhausting.  and it was fun!

skip ahead to today.  the aftermath.  the dust has had plenty of time to settle.  a picture is worth a thousand words, right?  well, it doesn't tell you everything.



pictures don't describe the crazy days of lessons being taught to a little girl who has already been through more of what most of us can only begin to imagine.  we are constantly trying to teach her lessons of love, battles with food, sharing, tantrums, rules and regulations.  lessons of acceptance.  it is a daily battle.  to say that she is strong willed is to put it mildly.  sometimes there is a fight every minute, from one thing to the next with her.  this was a battle that i thought i was fully ready to take on.  some days i feel as though i've completely failed this little girl.  other days i feel like i nailed it.  yep, just like i feel with all my other little ones.

when i'm alone with her, she can be totally different than when the other children are around.  it is a constant battle to remind her that i'm a mother of four.  not one.  she can be so precious one on one, but add in another, or three, and she fights for attention, demands to be held, struggles to be in the center of it all.

just like with all my other little ones, i have to teach her.  she's learning that mommy and daddy share our love to all four children.  we can hold one in our lap for a time and then we have time for another.  or, if that doesn't work out, i've been known to hold all four at one time.  while sitting, of course.  my arms stretch wide enough.

she is learning that tantrums get you nothing but a tantrum.

now that echo has tasted food besides congee, she fully enjoys the food that tastes GOOD and will protest anything that does not....another lesson, you eat what's on your plate.

she is learning that hitting is not accepted.  that, and biting.  pushing others or pulling hair.

i could go on.  the list is forever for a toddler, any toddler.  i'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.  it's a universal thing for a toddler to try and push the limits.  it's their job.  it's how they learn.  and she is learning!

but in all of this learning and all of this teaching, my mind, has more than once gone down that ugly, dark road.  the "What If..."  road.   what if we'd never adopted echo.  (and the eyebrows raise...huh!?)  because if we'd never adopted, life would be so much easier!  so much calmer!  we would not HAVE a toddler!  we would have three KIDS.  ohhhhh, the What If!

no more diapers
no more strollers
no more tantrums
no more naps
no more force feeding  (although we still have to force a veggie or two with our others!)
no more of this "baby" stuff that i'm SO OVER!  (keep in mind, i've been changing poopie diapers for 6 straight years now.)

but then.....

there would be no echo in our lives.

and that is not an option.  because like all the rest, she is my child.  she was hand-picked just for us.  whatever reason that we have been brought together, we are together.  forever.  and i can't see the future without her at this point.

i'm going fight the good fight.  and i'm going to win.


but she will win as well.  we all will.


and there will be an aftermath with this fight.  this battle.  this war.  except that we won't be picking up the pieces any longer when we get to that aftermath because we will have fought to put all the pieces together.  all of us.  the 6 of us, together.

put on your boxing gloves, echo.  let's fight this one out.











Thursday, November 10, 2011

Valuable Lessons

there are so many lessons we learn at school, lessons we learn from others, and from life.  there are lessons that we can learn from ourselves, within ourselves.  and there are lessons we can learn from our children.  isn't it funny how children can say or do the smallest, most insignificant thing and it can make a huge impact on us.  i think we, as parents, can learn a lot from our children.  if we take the time to listen.

my 5 year old has been learning some lessons at school.  some valuable lessons.  and with those lessons, he has also been teaching me.  yes, we can learn lessons from anyone, anywhere, at any time.  even our children.

reese and maddox were moved up to Year 1 just 3 weeks ago.  it is the 5-6 year old classroom.  kindergarten, so to speak.  they had originally been placed in Reception (the 4-5 year old class).  heath and i were fine to start them with the younger group but realized, once they started school, that year 1 was where they should be.  thankfully, their teacher and the head master all agreed and they were quickly moved up.  fortunately, for them, they were moved up as quickly as possible.  unfortunately, school was already 6 weeks in and so they have a bit of catching up to do, educationally and socially.  the two of them (maddox especially) are quite a bit smaller than the others.  this does not really affect reese, being a girl, but it has already started to affect maddox.

i went to go and pick them up during that first week in their new class.  the teacher pulled me aside to say that there had been some bullying in the garden and that the matter would be handled internally by the deputy of the school.  she said maddox was upset but that everyone had been spoken to regarding the matter.  she was very official, yet kind, about the whole situation.  it wouldn't have mattered if she had told me while handing me a dozen roses on a silver platter.  it came as a slap in the face.  gulp.  my baby!  my baby has been hurt by others!?  who?  point me to the child....

it's all i could do to fight back the tears and not go pounce on some 5 year old boy's head!

on our way home, i asked reese and maddox to tell me all about it.  apparently some boys were picking on the girls.  chasing them and calling them names.  maddox said that they were hurting the girls and he stepped in to make sure the girls were okay.  atta boy!  then the boys made fun of him and started to chase him too.  he also went on to say that reese was his best friend and he didn't want her to be hurt.  God love this child...

my son.  what began inside of me as anger, embarrassment, sadness, rejection....turned into such great pride.  how can a 5 year old have such a heart of gold, courage of a lion?

but my anger came back a or so day later.  i was talking to maddox one morning at breakfast and told him that if those boys were mean again to go play somewhere else.  i told him the boys were naughty and he probably shouldn't be their friends anyway.  as quickly as i said the words he came back with this, "but mommy, they are my friends.  i really like them.  i want to be everyone's friend."  ugh, maddox.  so naive.  oh to have a child's heart.

maddox was also moved up a year in judo class.  he loved it in his reception class but he was moved up quickly to this older level so that he could be with his (new) age group.  he still has only a white belt, while most others have their red since many took the class last year.  again, he said that some made fun of him.  his judo teacher told me that maddox was one of the smallest in the class but that she had paired him with another boy about his size.  then she said, "maddox has such a strong heart, he is dedicated, he will do well, don't worry."  again, i tried to keep the tears back.  i can't help but worry.

that night, after a bedtime story, some prayers and conversations over school and how it's going for them, the "best and worst of school", i told maddox how proud i was to be his mother.  i told him he had so much courage.  i wanted him to know that he had a huge heart.  but maybe i was saying it for my own benefit as well.  as i said the words to him, i saw his tiny little face light up.  he was beaming. smiling from ear to ear.

how long will my words of affirmation be enough?  how long?  for him.  for all of my little ones.

you know, we all get bullied at some point or time in our lives.  teased.  picked on.  pointed out.  some more than others.  some remember specific details and some have long forgotten those hurtful comments.  i'm starting to see a new view of it.  through the eyes of the mother.  and it's not any easier on this end.  i want to drop kick any kid who ever hurts any of my children.  but, obviously, that would not turn out too well.  i want to protect my children from every bit of pain, but then, they have to learn for themselves how to deal with these issues.  it's so difficult.

when i kissed maddox goodnight, his little smile still lingering, i told him just to ignore that mean boy and get away from him.  maddox's reply was simply, "i don't want to, i like him".

little boy, big heart.

a valuable lesson for me.  love others, even your enemies.  i have a lot to learn from this strong and courageous little boy.



Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6  


*i started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and can't end this without telling what occurred last week and again just yesterday.  the teacher pulled me aside to inform me that maddox had jumped on the boy's back during garden time and then, this week, punched the boy in the stomach.  just had to add that tidbit.




Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Pwetty

There is a joke that heath and i have had with our girls.  it started when reese was just a baby.  a bald, toothless baby.  we would slick back her few twigs of hair and say, "pwetty".  we also say it to the boys to drive them crazy.  none of the children really liked it for a long time but we did it anyway.  and we still do it, we still say it and still laugh about it.  especially now that we have a new baby girl in the mix.  a baby girl that some still often wonder if she is a boy or a girl.  her hair is right at that stage...unless there is a bow in it, it's really hard to tell.

echo loves all things that are "girl".  she loves baby dolls, stuffed animals, purses, bracelets, shoes...the list goes on.  she likes to watch me put on make-up and then tries to play in it.  she likes girlie things so much that it's even prompted reese to like more girlie things.  now that reese can play with a little sister, she doesn't always have to settle for star wars games or all those boy things.

i've started to put echo's hair up in bows more often.  just little ones.  so that her identity becomes a little more clear to outsiders.  she loves the brush and welcomes a good hair brushing.  i need to get another one for her to hold, actually, because she loves the brush so much that she gets frustrated on whether she wants to hold the brush or have her hair done.  it usually becomes a battle for me on what to do to make her happiest.  the end result is always "pwetty" though.  and after her hair is done, we all say, "oh, echo!  pweeeeeetty!"  and she pats her head and smiles with pride!  rarely will she mess it up or pull it out and if she does, she will bring it to me to put back in again.  yes, she is  a girlie girl.  a rough and tough girlie girl.

so now that we've been living here for around 2 months, i have been making tweaks to things here and there.  our furniture is in, we have everything decorated for the most part, we've added color here and there to these white, white, did i say white?  walls.  every one has their special touch to make it feel more relaxing, more homey.  every room, except echo's.  poor baby is the only one who was left with a stale, white, boring, cold, deserted, untouched room.  she's the baby after-all.  she is the one who would care or notice the least, right?  what does she care if her room is pink, or blue, or white.  what does she care?

about 3 weeks ago, i decided that echo needed some color splash.  we can't very-well hang pictures unless we hire some one (our walls are made out of cement) so i thought the best thing to do was to order some really colorful bedding.  every girl loves a nice snuggly bed, so i thought echo might enjoy it as well.  once i found the set that i like and ordered it, i waited and waited for it to come in.  suddenly her white, boring room was driving me nuts!  i couldn't bare to think about her being in such a cold and unhappy environment when all the rest of us were sleeping in star wars, cars, and princess bedding.  (heath has the princess bedding).  the days turned into weeks and finally the bedding came in.  i ripped the box open, washed the sheets in the softest, best smelling fabric softner i could find and put them on her bed.  echo was right with me, watch me do all this "magic" to her bed.  i'd also ordered some wall stickers that i could stick on her wall, butterflies, flowers and a big rainbow.  we put them all up, sat back and said, "pweeeety!"

echo played in her room quite a bit that night.  she was so proud of the new colors and beautiful fabrics.  when i went in to get her ready for bed, she touched the green and pink bedding, looked up at me and patted her head.  patted her head.....like she does when she wants her pretty bows in her hair.  her way of saying, "pweety".  i have no doubt she was trying to tell me that she liked it and thought it was pretty.  maybe even her little way of saying thank you.

and when heath came home later that week from his business trip, all the children greeted him at the door.  later echo took his hand and led him into her room.  she walked over to her bed and pointed to her walls.  she wanted to show off her room....

echo loves beautiful things.  she's a wild and crazy toddler but there is a little girl inside of there that loves frills and lace.  it's becoming more clear the more i get to know her.

my daddy use to tell people that his girls were pretty on the inside and outside.  i loved hearing him say that about us.  when i was a teenager, it got on my nerves but as i get older, i appreciate the meaning behind his words.  pretty on the inside and outside.  it's what i want for my girls as well.  it's how i feel about them already.  we may joke and laugh about "pweeety"  but it's truly what girls want to hear about themselves.  that we are pretty and that we are loved.  i want my girls to hear those words from me so that they don't have to seek it elsewhere.  i want them to know that they are not just pretty, but they are beautiful.  they are beautiful and they are loved.  unconditionally.  forever.




You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Solomon 4:7