the london bus. i have a love/hate relationship with the bus. and the drivers. i love the bus for the ease and excitement. i hate it for the fear and distrust. when i travel alone or with heath, i love the bus. when i travel with the children, it completely freaks me out. we've been here for almost a year and i still can't quite get over the my bus issues. and with good reason! i've had my run-ins with the buses and drivers. if you live here and you ride a bus regularly, you've had run-ins as well. it just goes with the territory.
first of all, pedestrians do not have the right away over here. if you see one of those big, red buses coming your way, you better move! because it's not going to stop. i'm actually okay with this to a certain extent. i mean, think about it, the bus driver is responsible for all of his passengers. if he slams on his brakes for one person, then he puts all of his passengers at risk for injury as well. however, when you are the one about to see red paint across your face and tire mark across your tail, you think twice about what it right and wrong for that bus driver.
i've made jokes about playing "frogger" in the streets. i'm pretty good at it. i don't play the game when i have my children with me. we make sure and go when the "green man" appears on the light. we DON'T cross unless that green man appears. as a matter of fact, when the kids are with me, i've been known to walk an extra 10 or more minutes to find a proper light that has the green and red man. i will not cross without those men. there are too many little hands and feet around me to try and cross a road without having certain "permission". and i want to make sure that i'm the legal one, that i have the right of passage. because, if, in case, there is any sort of accident, i'm going to go buck wild on someone's head and i need to make sure that my behavior holds up in court after i've gone crazy.
there are few moments that make me laugh, like yesterday when we were getting off the bus to go to school and i noticed that zane had dirt and black stuff around his mouth. what could that be from? he was totally clean when we left the house? we haven't had time to get dirty? we've only been on the bus......NOOOOOOOO! zane had put his mouth all over the bottom of the window while riding on the bus. agh! this makes me want to projectile vomit just thinking about it. so, i just wiped him clean once we got to school, laughed about it and went on my merry way.
there was also the time that my iphone was stolen out of my back pocket while i was distracted by the accomplice. this was not so funny...
there have been a few incidents lately that have shaken me to my core. i'm usually a pretty relaxed individual. happy, a bit carefree....okay, maybe i am on the outside. i'm wound up pretty tight on the inside when it comes to my children. i try to relax but they just mean too much to me to relax. and did i mention all the little hands and feet? some days i feel like it's twice as many as what they actually have! they just make continuous circles around me. and when we are entering and exiting a bus, it can be exhausting.
a couple of weeks ago, we were on our way to school in the pouring rain. we saw our bus was stopped and already loading people so i told the kids to pick it up a bit. i don't want them to run to the bus, but we need to step it up. i was strolling echo and had reese by my side. the boys rushed up to the bus to go ahead and hop on. the driver, as little zane was getting on, closed his doors on zane! zane and maddox were so close to the bus and i yelled for them to back away. as i yelled, the tasmanian devil came out of me. i put my arm out to the children and told them, "stand behind echo's stroller". (look out, here comes big mama) remember when i said i would go buck wild on someone's head? well, this day, it was on the bus driver. i began to slam my fists into his door, literally kicking and screaming at him for closing the doors on my children in the rain. he simply turned his cheek to me and drove off as i kicked his doors. now, i'm not proud of this. and i can't believe that i let myself get so crazy, but it happened. it happened.
when i returned to the children standing in complete shock they began to ask questions like, "mommy, did you just kick the bus?" "mommy, are you angry at that bus driver?" "mommy, were you screaming at the bus driver?" "mommy did you almost break his door down?" and as i heard their questions, i saw another mother who looked at me with such understanding. she even told me that bus drivers do things like that all the time. well, i bet, but how many times does he have a mama chase his bus down while kicking and screaming?
the most recent incident (and i'm so happy to say that it did not result in an accident) was a couple of weeks ago. and the reason i write about it now and didn't write about it then is because i couldn't get a grip on how to type it out. i didn't even know where to start, how to get it out. i can't really make a joke about it, like a usually do with situations. because it was a moment in time that i desperately wish didn't happen or that i could take back. i've lost sleep for many nights. maddox didn't sleep for 3 nights afterwards.
i shake as i type.
a couple of weeks ago, we were getting off the bus, like we do every day after school. usually, it's a non-event to get on and off the bus. i make sure that the children get off the bus first and i count them as they jump down, sometimes i even count out loud. yep, i'm a freak. so once the boys had jumped down, reese realized that she'd forgotten her thermos at the back of the bus and ran back to go get it. i had echo in her stroller and told reese to grab it. this only took seconds. it only takes seconds....suddenly, the bus doors closed and the driver started to go. i stood in complete horror as my mouth dropped open and i saw my boys on the outside of the bus, me and the girls on the inside driving away....i saw maddox's eyes. wide open. those eyes. the shock. the fear. oh, the fear. and i saw my little zane running for the bus. running to the bus! he wanted back in.
i could hardly think but in my mind, i knew that zane running to the bus plus those big wheels did not equal anything good. i think the blood drained from my face to my toes. it certainly felt that way.
my heart was racing, panic stricken, i could not form words, i could not use my voice. i could hear and see reese screaming and banging on the glass doors screaming, "no, my brothers! no, maddox! no, zane! my brothers!" (you have to know reese is very protective of them both, when we are getting on a lift or an escalator, she makes SURE they are on! this was one of her biggest fears, to leave her brothers behind).
and in my weakness, all i could do was think, "no, oh my God, my dear Father, please no...."
and truly, by the grace of God, zane did not make it to the doors, or the wheels of the bus for that matter, before three men jumped up from their seats and ran to the driver yelling at him, "stop, there is a mother on here and her children are not on the bus" others were screaming, "stop the bus!!". thank God those men had a voice. saw the situation. and reacted.
and so, this panic stricken mother was able to get off the bus. i've never been more solemn or more shaken. i don't even know if i muttered a "thank you" to those men. i dizzily ran back to my boys, knelt down and just squeezed. squeezed. and i still had no voice. no words. i'm not sure i was even breathing. i may have taken that first breath to inhale the scents of their heads, their hair, their "boy" smell that i so love.
i cry as i type this.
i still have not gotten over it.
i'm not sure when i will.
the burning eyes of maddox, the complete panic of zane, the screams of reese for her brothers. my stomach goes into knots when i think about it. the helplessness that i felt makes me queasy.
i write this blog today because i need to get it out. i need to write it down. i need to purge. this is what keeps me up at night. this is what wakes me from my sleep. it grips me, it suffocates me, it swallows me up at times.
i pray for God to take the fear from me. and i know He will once i finally let Him. once i give it up and let it go. and i will, but my stubbornness clings so tightly to hold onto it. the memory. the fear. the panic. it's all so fresh, so real, so raw.
you know, there is a verse in the bible that talks about how when we don't know what or how to pray, the Holy Spirit prays for us? i love the verse. it's mind boggling to me. i can't wrap my brain around it. it's crazy to think about but it's also reassuring to me. i've had times in my life that i don't know how to pray, what to pray for, where to begin. but knowing this verse, it gives me comfort knowing that the Holy Spirit has it all under control. He says the words that i can't come up with.
i'm forever grateful for those men who stood up and yelled, who knew what to say when i could not, they had words, voices, LOUD and CLEAR voices when i did not. i've never seen or heard people react like that while i've been on the buses. i'm so grateful. and it makes me think, that in my weakness, when i can't speak, when i can't form words because i'm too afraid, too vulnerable, too weak, the Holy Spirit can be just as clear, as loud and as direct as those men where that day.
this gives me great comfort.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26
