Thursday, February 28, 2013

If At First You Don't Succeed

you may remember my skiing experience last year.   i totally failed out of ski school, heath was having back spasms and having to get all of us from one ski school to the next.  the kids....well, the kids had a really good time.  i mean, zane was only 3 and cried every single day going to ski school.  i would even go up the mountain to watch them ski and he would still be crying.  the instructors would just push him down a hill and he would cry the whole way down.  sad...yet funny.  last year's blog, Swiss Family tells you a little more about it.  

we ended up making great memories and have some amazing pictures to show but i just knew that skiing was not in the cards for me.  when heath mentioned that we go again this year i about gagged but held it all together.  i know he loves to ski and the children actually did really well last year.  i would love for them to have lessons each year so that they do not become like their mom....a ski school dropout.  i half-heartedly agreed to go and the plans were made.  we were going to Peisey-Vallandry, France.  ski trip, take 2.  heaven help us.

i will be honest, i lost a bit of sleep over this trip.  i could envision one (or more) of my children flying off the side of a mountain.  those beautifully snow covered mountains are amazing, yes they are, but they are slippery....and they are high!  and if you fall off, they have no mercy.

it didn't help much more when i awoke bright and early on the day of our departure to coughing/retching sounds. and they were not coming from my own body in dread of our ski journey.  it was heath.  doubled over at the toilet with some sort of convulsive stomach bug.  he swore it was something he ate but i knew better....i'd just gotten over a bit of a stomach bug myself and i knew the bug was now devouring my poor husband.

great.

immediately, i knew it was up to me to get the crew going.  one look at heath's pale face and white lips was a dead give away that if we were going to make this trip happen, it was only up to me.  buckle up, kids, mommy's in total control and it's going to be a bumpy ride.  

i'm not sure how we did it, but we made it safely to our destination.  and it only took a ten minute cab ride, a 30 minute train ride, a 2 hour plane trip and a 3 hour bus to get there!  heath was beginning to gain some color and he could mumble a few words without gagging.  things were really looking up!  score one for the wilson family!

ski school came quickly the next day for our big three.  they were excited and ready.  even zane was happy and upbeat about the lessons.  my, what a year of growth can do!  once we'd gotten them settled with their instructors, we took echo to her class where she would be able to play while we all skied and took lessons.  only she could not be emitted without her "doctor's consent".

say what?

apparently, all children under 4 need a form from their doctor to insure their health.  now, i'm a stickler for healthy kids so, i get it.  but the request for this consent form was in such small print that we needed a magnifying glass to see it.

so off to a french doctor we went.  beads of sweat formed on my forehead as we sat in a tiny, foreign, hot, congested room full of sick adults and children.  the germs were everywhere.  i could have sworn that they were crawling all over me.  i'm sure i looked like a total schizophrenic as i scooted to the left and right to get away from others.  at one point, i would not even sit in the chair because of a lady who was hacking up her lung and allowing her snot-infested child to play at my knees.  i was afraid to make eye-contact with anyone for fear that i would catch something through sight.

i looked over at heath who was sweating as well, only his sweat was because his stomach was still churning and this sauna of a room was not helping his nausia at all!  don't worry, honey, one day we will laugh about this...

after getting the doctor's clear and approval, we took echo to her class.  we were too late to begin our snowboarding lessons.  yes, that's right, snowboarding...i couldn't ski so i was going to take snowboarding lessons.  i mean, clearly, having your feet strapped onto one board with no poles seems easier than having two skies and two poles to hang on to.  (what was i thinking!)

i breathed a sigh of relief!  echo's lack of paperwork had been a blessing in disguise.  i had totally gotten out of my lessons!  i was free!!!

so i went to the spa for a massage.  that's right friends, mama don't waste no time when it comes to relaxing.  i was on it!  this was going to be the best ski trip ever.  i would just spa it each day.  no worries!

and then, later that evening, heath came to me with the news....he'd signed me up for ski school on tuesday.  he excitedly told me that the snowboarding school was full and that since i'd missed my first day, it would be difficult to come in on day 2.  but since i'd had ski school last year, i could easily jump in on day 2 for skiing!....

oh....sweet.

i gave heath a gentle smile and told myself i would give it one last try for him.  i would go to ski school for about an hour and then i would say that it was not for me.  i'm athletic in many other things in life and so it's okay that i'm a total loser at skiing.  i had already accepted this fact and it was only a matter of time before would heath accept it as well.

that night, the kids were kind enough to give me some tips on how to ski (and stay alive).  i tucked them in, thanking them and pretending to be excited and brave.  but deep down, my stomach was churning and my head was spinning.  bring on the nightmares all through monday night.

i arrived early to ski school because i was a nervous nerd and just wanted to get it over with.  as i walked toward my area to meet my ski class, i was given a lump of sugar that was dipped in some liquid.  they said something nicely in french, smiled and dropped the sugar cube in my mouth.  the liquid turned out to be some sort of hard liquor.  i laugh now as i think back to it.  i'm going to be honest, my first thought was, "well, maybe this will help take the edge off".  as the burn settled in my throat and the sugar coated my mouth i told myself this was too funny not to just go with it.  i told myself to give it 100%.  let's just have fun with this mistye, if we come out with a broken bone, we'll just add it to our list of "firsts"!

to make matters worse, the instructor looked almost identical to my cruel and crazy french instructor from last year.  he walked right up and began speaking some random words in french.  i about tucked tail to run but decided to suck it up and get through the day.

once we got to the top of the mountain, i felt as though this was something to overcome.  maybe it was my sweet liquid courage talking but i really felt as though i could do this.  i wanted to conquer my fears.  i wanted to sleep through the night without thinking of slipping off the snowy slope or busting my face on the ice.

bring it, mr french instructor.  i'm going all in!  i may be a 36 year old mama of 4 with all sorts of freakish fears about this sport but i'm going to rock it like it's 1985.  i may not look good doing it, but by golly, i'm going to do it.

and let me just tell you.  i did do it.  i did it down the bunny slopes, i did it down the training slopes, and i did it on the blue slopes.  i even did it down part of a really scary red slope...but that was not on purpose and i don't care to relive that moment so we won't go into it...

i skied tuesday-friday and loved almost (almost) every minute of it.  there were moments when i would see my life flash before my eyes and in those moments i can't say it was too enjoyable but i fought through it and came out the victor!

i can ski!  and i even broke away from my instructor and skied down the mountain with heath on the last day.  just batman and robin through the snow.  i'd like to say it was romantic and peaceful to be able to final ski together.  but it wasn't.  it was more like a freakishly scared cat, claws all out, just trying to stay alive, scaling my way with all four paws spread in every direction....but we managed.  it was "fun".  and next time we go together, it will be even better.

Maddox and Reese loved the slopes!
the kids did amazing as well.  i would get to see reese and maddox in their little duck lines behind their instructors just whipping it through the hills.  i was so proud of them.  (and so scared.)  it was a true test of letting go of my fears and finding peace on those mountain tops.  i'm so glad it worked out the way it did!

our family has had some major adventures together over the last couple of years.  this one definitely goes down as one of our biggest adventures together.  i love that i'm constantly learning.  sometimes i get the opportunity to learn new things right along with my children, which is one of the coolest experiences i've ever had.  to get to see things through their eyes right along with them.  and i've learned the value in never giving up and fighting for that inner peace, no matter what we are dealing with.

we are already planning to ski next year somewhere in the states.  i hear those slopes calling my name.  and they are speaking english.


If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.   
William E. Hickson


Reese loved skiing from the start.
She couldn't wait to get back out there
each day!

Maddox did great this year.  He skied for over
2.5 straight hours one day.  


Zane was all smiles this year!  
Echo as a tiger while we skied.  Suffering from a
major ear infection, she was a real trooper
the whole week.  Next year, maybe she'll
be out on the slopes!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Here I Go Again....

several years ago, i heard a bible verse that burned a hole in my heart.  many of you have a verse...or two...or three...that stand out in your mind.  a verse that may have changed you somehow.  a verse that may have helped you to see things in a new light, that gave you strength or hope.  a verse that you wanted to claim as yours.  not all scripture stands out or means the same thing to individual people.  and you may read a verse one year and see it again in 5 and it suddenly jumps off the page at you.  i have a few verses that i love but this is one that i heard years ago and i clearly remember it speaking to me, telling me that i could make a difference.  the verse made me realize that it was something i wanted to follow.  one main part stood out to me;

"...to look after orphans and widows in their distress..."   James 1:27

i know, not nearly the full verse, but then, i've never been really good at memorizing scripture.  thank goodness for google!  i can usually remember pieces, parts or subjects and then i frantically try to look it up to find the full verse.  usually it works out in my favor and i find the scripture i need.

this verse stirs so many emotions in me.  to think of children without parents, wrecks me.  to hear of a widow causes me to practically shut down.  stop breathing.  and maybe it shakes me because it is my greatest fear....to leave my own children as orphans....or to lose the greatest man in my life...my husband.  whatever the reason, i feel called to make a difference.  however small it may be.  i want to help.

for the past several months, i've been very conflicted on how to serve my cambodian orphans.  i have a strong pull to go back and serve these children and show them God's love.  i also have a pull to be home with my family, to be with my own children, to be safe and comfortable with all the people and things i've been blessed with.  but i can't shake it.  it's like a rabid dog stuck to my ankle and the more i try to shake it off, the more it clamps down.

while reading Kisses From Kate (a book i highly recommend) i read a paragraph that left me breathless.  it was the exact way i felt and i knew that i had to go back to see my cambodian children.

"The truth is, I saw myself in those little faces.  I looked at them and felt this love that was unimaginable and knew that this is the way God sees me.  The children would run to me with gifts of stones or dirt and I saw myself, filthy and broken, offering my life to the God of the universe and begging Him to make it into something beautiful.  I sit here in a broken world, small and dirty at His feet, and He who sits so high chooses to commune with me, to love me anyway.  He blinds Himself to my sin and my filth so that He can forge a relationship with me.  And this is what He did for me with these precious children. He blinded me to the filth and disease, and I saw only children hungry for love that I was eager to share with them.  I adored them, not because of who I was, but because of who He is.  I just sat right down on that cold, hard floor and snuggled my nose into their dirty necks and kissed their fungus-covered heads and didn't even see it.  I was in love." Kisses From Kate by Katie Davis

one of my goals this year was to draw closer to God.  for me, there is no better way to be close to Him than to DO for Him.  so, as many of you know, i applied to go back to cambodia.  i recently learned some fantastically, amazingly, crazy-fun news.  i received a phone call that i will, yet again, be going back to see those beautiful faces, and in doing so, see the face of God.

closeness at it's best.

in my excitement.  i looked back at the blog that the mission team kept my first year and i found my very first blog entry ever.  i wanted to share it:


A Little Piece of Heaven
07/26/09

We met the kids TODAY! What an amazing event. My words will not do it justice....just try to imagine over 30 smiling faces greating you as you pile off of a bus. I watched as some of our team got off the bus and walked right into the arms of the most precious little children ever. I stood there on the bus, watching as they hugged last years vets. They all remembered Jon, Mark and Mike WELL and it showed. The children just clung to them and called out their names. As I stepped off the bus, I could only hope to learn a name or maybe get a small hug from a child or two but that was not in the plans for these children...they greated me with open arms as well. We hugged like we'd known each other all of our lives. As we stood there hugging I thought, "if Heaven is anything like this when I enter the gates, then I have a LOT to look forward to". It was a little piece of heaven that God gave me here on earth. I held back tears long enough to enter the church where we would have our service. And then the tears came. I was so overwhelmed with what God had already done for us in just the first meeting....AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN!

The children sang songs before and during the service that was such beautiful music. We couldn't understand much but we knew that God was there with us. The sermon was given today from John 12. As the pastor spoke (in Khmer) I decided to read on my own from John 12. This scripture tells about the last 6 days of Jesus' life. The scripture that stood out to me was John 12:26 "Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." It has been an honor just to be here and serve. It is quite an honor to be the hands and feet of such an amazing God.

We taught the children the Easter story, they made journals in art that they LOVED (glitter and Cambodians....crazy combination) and we played games to teach them that leaning on one another is very important.

It was a great day. We're tired. My bed is calling my name.

-Mistye Wilson


God does not call each of us to do the same things.  we're all made uniquely to serve Him in different ways.  maybe it's why His verses don't have the same effect on each one of us.  but there is a verse, or several, in His Great Book that will speak to us, individually, if we are open to it.  this one of mine, this one i read many years ago has not let go of me yet.  it's not something i felt qualified to do, but i wanted the opportunity to try.  each time i've gone to serve, i've been more scared than the first and felt even less qualified to go.  this time is no different.

however, i remember the sea of faces.  i remember their laughter.  i remember my tears.  i'm a scaredy cat to go and leave my family for two weeks.  but i know God will give me the strength to leave so that i can carry out His work for these children.   and i will return with even more of His strength, bravery and blessings when i'm done.

get ready, little ones.  i'm coming your way!

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world".  James 1:27

Friday, February 15, 2013

Luck, Coincidence and Serendipity

i'm not one who believes in luck,  coincidences or serendipity.  even though i may say any one of these words in conversation, i truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  if these three phenomenons exist, it's because they were Created so that we could have fun in life!

if you've read my blog post, My Name is David, then you know that i have a homeless friend here who i've grown to know and love.  my children sometimes see him after getting off the bus and we've taken him water, food and clothes.  they have grown deep compassion for david.  even zane will ask about david when we've gone without seeing him for a few days.

one friday morning, after getting ready for school, maddox told me that he wanted to go and get some of his money from his piggy bank to give to david.  now, maddox doesn't have a lot of money.  honestly, he may have about 2 pounds, at most.  but he was very insistent that this money should go to david after school.  he put the 1 pound 20 pence into his school trousers and was ready for school.  unfortunately, we did not see david on friday.  maddox woke up monday morning and did the same thing, put his money in his pocket and went to school, in hopes that we would see david later that afternoon.

sadly, no david.

maddox, although a little bummed each day, was not going to let this defeat him.  he was determined to take the coins each day until we saw our friend again.

deep down, i was starting to grow nervous. i knew the cops had kicked david off of his "spot" before and he was on another street for months.  i was fully aware that this had probably happened again and we may not see david on this street again before we move home.

on the third day, as we passed by david's "spot", we saw him.  we were in luck!  the bus came to a stop and maddox bounded out off the bus!  he ran...i mean, RAN to david.  he put the money in david's little whithered, old and tattered cup and said, "hey david, i hope you have a good day!"  

david looked really rough on this paticular day.  he looked cold, his skin seemed a little more gray, his eyes were half-opened.  he looked so tired.  but he took one look at maddox and smiled.  i told david that maddox had been carrying these two coins in his pocket for three days in hopes that he could give them.  i told david that he was the first thing maddox has thought about each morning for several days now and we'd been looking for him every day after school.

and just as david and i were about to have a sweet "moment"....maddox butted in with, "you know, david, you really shouldn't smoke.  it's bad for you."  i'm pretty sure the people across the street could hear david laugh as he agreed with maddox and then david looked up at me with a wink and and shrugged his shoulders.  not only did he appreciate the generosity from maddox, but i think he appreciated the direct bluntness and honesty from a child.

after we exchanged some more small talk, david thanked maddox again for his gift and told maddox that it had been his birthday the previous day.  what a coincidence!  maddox told him to go out and get himself something nice and then we left david as he chuckled over maddox's words.

i'm so grateful to have a child who's heart is bigger than life.  i'm grateful for maddox's persistence to seek out and find david these last few days.  how long has it been since someone wished him a happy birthday?  and what a wonderful birthday wish to be sincerely givin from a child.

later that day, emma (our nanny), was walking by and wished david a happy birthday.  when he looked at her with surprise and confusion, she told him a certain little boy had told her that he had a birthday yesterday.

"he's such a gift" was the reply of david.

yes, david, i agree.  maddox and all of our children are such gifts.  but never did i realize what a gift you would be to me and my family.  you are a household name.  you are a friend.  you have taught us so much in the year that we've gotten to know you.  you, my friend, are the gift.  i will never forget the moment meeting you, on a cold and snowy night.  giving you an umbrella and some money to help you get through.  after giving you the items, you told me..."God bless you."  i could tell by the way you said it, that you meant it.  you believed it.  so after almost walking away that night, something pulled me back.  something encouraged me to ask your name.  it was serendipitous.  and since talking to you and getting to know you, i know that we are friends.  i know your heart.  i know your faith.  i know i will see you in Eternity.

i had prayed for a faithful friend to have while over here during my stay.  david, maybe you are that friend that i was praying for.  maybe you were the answer to that prayer.  God certainly is known to answer prayers in mysterious ways...

never undervalue the ability you have to make an impact on someone.  a poor, 48 year old, tired and homeless man, has made a great impact on me and my family.  never underestimate what you can do, no matter what your circumstances may be...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philipians 4:13

the following day, after i picked the kids up, i had a pull on my heart to do something nice for david.  maybe a birthday treat?  deep down, i really wanted to get him some soup and maybe a cupcake, but it seemed a little silly.  why would he want a cupcake?  i tried to wipe it from my mind and made a deal with God (yeah, you know how those go.  why do we do that?).  i made a deal that if maddox mentioned doing something for david today, then we would.  if not, then we wouldn't.  i mean, i was tired, the girls were home sick with infections, and i was not even feeling well.  i didn't have the time or energy to go out and get things.  plus, it was freezing cold!

And your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.  Isaiah 30:21

as soon as i picked maddox up, "can we get something special for david?  for his birthday?"

okay, Lord, message is clear.

so we did.  we picked up some delicious, hot soup and a beautiful red velvet cupcake and we celebrated the life of a friend.  he was thrilled to see us.  and especially thrilled for some hot soup.

i'm constantly reminded that our london time is coming to a close.  i plan to write david a letter to tell him what he has meant to us.  i want him to know that he will always have someone who is thinking and praying for him.  i will miss him dearly when we are gone.  i will always wonder about him until we meet again.

i think there is a Divine Plan, constantly at work and it's up to us to make choices on what path we want to take.  yes, we have a choice.  after all, we have free will.  this week has been a great reminder that if we listen to our hearts and follow how we feel, the paths we take can be beautiful, lucky, coincidental and serendipitous.  and it certainly is a lot of fun!



The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me'.  Matthew 25:40

Monday, February 11, 2013

Little Hands

there is something amazing about our children's hands.  i find it remarkable how one can have several children and each of their features be so different.  i look at reese's hands and see that they are thinner and longer.  her nail bed is sweet and cute....except from where she has bitten and broken them.  i look at maddox's and see that they are small and quick.  he's constantly using them to express himself.  zane's hands are much like his feet...bricks.  they are practically square.  a flinstone could have been one of his ancestors.  when he was first born, we called him a boxer because his eyes were puffy and he had huge hands!  echo's sweet hands are darker, thin and long.

yes, each one of us has our own special "something".  our hands are uniquely designed.  

maddox came to me a couple of weeks ago and told me that some of the kids at school said he had small hands.  without even thinking, i replied, "well, maddox, you do have small hands.  i love your small hands!"  and at that, grabbed them and began to pretend to eat on them and nibble them.  he did not like my answer at all and i could see this was something that he was not real happy to hear.  as he spoke to me about his hands and what others had said, i began to think back to when his hands were so, so tiny.  born at only 4 lbs 11 oz, you can imagine how tiny his little hands once were!  

as he spoke, it began to sink in how troubling this was for him.  he wanted to know how to grow his hands.  as if there is some sort of secret hand growth serum that i knew about.  keep in mind, maddox is about a head shorter than most, if not all, of his classmates.  he's a half-pint compared to the rest of his class.  and it doesn't really help that his birthday is a late June birthday, which puts him at a younger age.  with that said, he has one of the biggest personalities i've seen.  he befriends anyone and everyone.  his teachers comment on his quick wit and joy for life.

i covered my words quickly by telling maddox of all the things that he had to be so proud of.  what he lacked in size, he more than made up for in wit, perseverance, social capability, warmth, knowledge...the list was endless.  okay, i am his mother so i'm biased, but seriously, this kid has a lot going for him! i tried to tell maddox to focus on the things he does well, the things he can do, the things he enjoys doing.  i told him to focus his eyes on all of the things that matter.  his hands will catch up one day, they are just taking time to grow.

he halfway took this answer and ran off to play.  i have no idea what he understood from my "pow-wow talk" but i'm hoping some of it sank in.  

i could not help but think about how we often focus on the things that we can't do.  we look at what others are doing around us or the things that they have or what they do well.  we measure and compare ourselves to what we think we are supposed to be.  and this is so far from what we are meant to be doing!  if maddox could focus on his gifts rather than his inadequesies, he would never feel less than his best.  it's the same for us.  

i wish that maddox could see himself the way that i see him.  i wish that he could see his own strength, his immeasurable amounts of possibilities.  don't we all want that for our children?  for them to see themselves for who they are?  we don't want them to focus on the things they can't do, because there is so much more that they CAN do!  

and if maddox only knew how much i loved his little hands.  how precious and perfect they are.  if he could see them the way that i see them, then he would know that they are fantastically adorable and perfect.  

it constantly amazes me, as a parent, to realize that the love for our children continues to grow deeper and stronger as they get older.  and i seriously think, that after we give birth or take a child into our home, we are given a new upgrade of a heart.  i think that, as parents, we get a special "touch" from God within our hearts.  i think that we get a little piece of God's heart put into our own.  we get new love and new eyes within us to see the beauty and potential in our children.  we get a true touch of unconditional love.  whatever amount of love we have for our children, God has an unfathomable amount more for us as His children.  i've spoken with a few people about their faith who say that they came to faith in God after the birth of their child.  it's like we have a new awakening after watching the miracle of a child.  it's like our eyes are open....ohhhh, this is how God sees me!  (and maybe we feel the need to get down and dirty with prayer to keep us afloat while raising these tiny beings!)

like a parent, God desperately wants us to see ourselves for who we are and focus on the things we can do, the things we excel in, the things we love....rather than our inadequacies.  i'm sure it ticks Him off when a nay-sayer comes up to any of His children and tells us what we can't do or makes fun of something that doesn't seem normal, whatever normal is.

maddox, one day you will be a grown man.  you will have big hands, big feet, and a whole lot of big going on all over.  you could even be bald and hairy like your dad so be careful what you wish for!  you'll have multiplied your weight by at least 5!  i know you can't image it, but it will happen.  probably quicker than i want it to.  and my prayer is that you continue to have a big sense of humor, a big heart, a big outlook on life, a big mind and most importantly, a big faith in your Heavenly Father.  your little hands will catch up.  i promise.

"God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.  Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen."   1 Peter 4:10-11 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I Told You So

how many times do mothers constantly and consistently tell our little ones the rules.  it's about the age of mobility and curiosity when we really start to say "no".  when children are young, every day and every moment is a lesson.  it can be exhausting.

i have been a "rule follower" while living here.  i have to be.  there are serious consequences for children who do not follow rules in a big and busy city.  and let's face it, i was once a school teacher.  i've always been a stickler with my children about the rules and living in a city has only magnified it.  you can take teachers out of the classroom but we will always have that "teacher" within us.  it's a blessing and a curse.  my poor children...

no matter how much i preach and teach them about safety when we go out, they continue to be clueless as to the dangers that lurk.  i'm a broken record when it comes to explaining how they can get hurt because of their careless actions and silly behavior.

this particular morning was no different.  reese and maddox were in one of their "twin moods" where everything and anything was funny.  the giggling, falling over, and teasing were about to send me over the edge.  and zane, my noise maker, was making all kinds of strange and unusual sounds as we walked along the street.  (i swear, he is destined to be a hip hop, beat box boy when he grows up...) we stood at the corner of the street where we waited to cross and watched the traffic zoom by.  as the children continued to giggle, push and punch, i shouted, "everybody move back, put your hands to your sides, do not touch anyone and close your mouths!  i can't focus on the cars with all of this craziness!"  as we crossed the street, i was barking at them about how we could all die if they didn't pay attention to what was around them.

extreme?  perhaps.  it was a stressful moment and stress causes me to become a bit unhinged.

each day that we get to the school building, i feel a weight lift off of me.  it's nice to get them all to the door, safe and sound and on time.  once we enter the school building, we shake hands with the headmistress and move into an area of this tiny school (and tiny halls, london homes and building are often narrow and tall) to give hugs, kisses and exchange well wishes for the day.  every day is the same, reese and maddox do the exchanges beautifully, reese clings a little longer than the rest, wanting longer hugs and extra kisses.  and the boys make a break for it.  especially zane, who has become quite impossible these days to contain once we are in the door.  he wants to run for his classroom.  so when the goodbyes begin, he rushes for the downward stairs to go to his classroom.  the narrow, spiral stairs.

let me say that, every day, i have to ask or tell zane any number of these things:

wait

slow down

hold on

don't run

watch out for others

be careful

he kind of reminds me of the tasmanian devil in these moments.  he has a one track mind.  he can't see or hear anything around him.  and he enjoys taking two-three leaps down the stairs at a time.  it's like a game for him.

and each day, i finish my kisses with the others, take echo by the hand and follow zane down the stairs.  he is usually already in his room and taking his coat off by the time i catch up to him.  thankfully, echo was home with a cold so i was able to react quickly when i heard a really loud bang and thump in the stairway.  moms, you know the sound of your own child's body weight banging down a group of stairs.  i just knew it was my child.

i shoved reese and maddox in the direction of stairs to their room and ran around the corner to find zane tumbling...and i mean, tumbling down the narrow stairs.  head first, then feet first, then head, then feet...all the while, in a full body roll.  and i could hear his one simple plea  "mommy!"

"oh for crying out loud" was what i was thinking until i realized what was actually happening and all i could get out of my mouth was

ZANE!!!!!

the panic in my voice was not lost on anyone.  a mother, a child and a father turned in all directions on the stairs to break his fall.  he landed, head down the stairs, on his back, in a position on the most narrow part of the stairs (the part where it winds around and the stairs are skinny).

i ran down to him, thanked the saviors who'd broken his fall and grabbed zane by his coat with one fist and pulled him up like the hulk.  (all parents know that super-human strength that we possess when it comes to our children.)  he was shaking from head to toe.  he couldn't even cry at this point, even though he was completely traumatized and hurting.

the first thing i wanted to say was, "i told you so!  you should have listened to mommy".  i wanted to yell at him for all the times that he had not listened.  i wanted to yell at him for not obeying me in the first place.  i have been telling him every day, all year, to watch those stairs.  and now....now, he was hurt.

once we got to a place where i could check his body, i desperately tried to speak calmly.  and i did a pretty good job.  he only scraped his hip and there was a bit of blood but his head was fine and there were no broken bones.  my little brave bulldozer had met his match with the stairs and was crying at this point.

after talking to him and his teachers, i walked back upstairs and thanked God for zane's safety in that situation.  how easily it could have gone another way.  on my way back home, i thought about how many times, i myself, continue to act silly or carelessly.  there are things in my life that i don't always focus on or i take for granted.  there have been times when i've gotten hurt, physically or emotionally because i didn't slow down.  there have been times when i've run down certain stairs of my life,  knowing the dangers but feeling the fun and freedom of how it felt to ignore the warning signs.

and yet, when i fumble, when i fall, when i dive head first into a narrow stairway of danger...He rushes to me.  and He never says, "i told you so".  He is calm and patient.  He lovingly checks for bumps and bruises that need repair.  He is as calm and loving as He can be.

just like children, we are senseless and reckless until there is a moment of fear or danger.  kids are notorious for going all out until they reach that point when there is no turning back.  and then they call for us in their time of need.  humans do the same thing.  i'm so glad i know that i can call out to God in my times of need.  i'm so glad that He forgives and forgets and never throws it in my face, "i told you so".

later that night, reese told me that she had seen me pick zane up off the stairs.  instead of going straight to her classroom that morning she went down to check on us because she heard zane scream.  she told me how scared she was and that she was glad he was okay.  "he was lucky, mommy."

zane has since slowed down on the stairs.  it's only been a couple of days since this incident occurred.  i'm placing my bets on when he will begin to leap and run again down those winding stairs.  i give it another week, tops.  but for now, he is walking carefully, holding my hand and trusting that i will catch him if he falls.  i wouldn't have it any other way.

i'm trying to walk just as carefully, holding His hand and trusting that He will catch my fall as well.  as my Father, i know that he wouldn't have any other way either.


He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock.  Psalm 40:2






Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sticks and Stones

remember when our parents would tell us the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  i certainly remember!  and the phrase worked just fine on my own siblings but i quickly began to notice that it didn't work quite so well with people in the real world.

once middle school and high school came around, i remember trying to say the phrase in my head and trying to move on with my day but all i could really think about were the mean words.  deep down, all i could say was "ouch".  because, let's face it.  words can cut really deep.  honestly, words can hurt terribly.  it's our words that encourage or discourage.  our words are what impact others.  we can be uplifting or we can really put the smack down on someone.  all with just our simple words.

a few days ago, my family was waiting at the bus stop.  heath and i were taking the children to school so all four of them were in full school uniform.  a really sweet old man made the comment that we had such well behaved children.  then he asked us about the school, where was it located, how long had the school been around, was it a catholic school...the questions kept coming.  he was easy to talk to and very inquisitive about who we were.

as the conversation kept going, the children, namely our boys, were getting a little restless.  the bus was taking a while to come and their parents were in full conversation with someone else, so they were busy doing their usual thing of giggling, pushing, punching, and kicking.  none of it malicious, they were playing like boys, rough housing.  the only thing wrong with what they were doing, was that it was distracting to our adult conversation.

then, out of left field, the old man says while pointing to zane, "you know, that little one is violent".  heath and i laughed because zane is a handful.  violent seemed a little over the top, but i figured the man had just chosen his words poorly.  and zane can be a bit wild.  he's our man's man.  he's rough, funny and spunky.  as heath and i continued to laugh and add our comments about zane, the guy (very matter-of-fact) says that he has an eye for things and that zane would go to prison one day.

stop right there.  mama ain't laughing no more, old man.

ever heard the phrase, "dynamite comes in small packages, mr?"  well, i'm about to go all explosive on your head!

my skin has gotten much thicker in the last couple of years so instead of getting quiet and cowering down, i came back at him.  argued that he was a rude old man for saying such a horrible thing in front of the mother and her children.  how dare he say such a thing.  and he argued back that he was certain, oh yes, certain, that zane would end up in prison.

insert ballistic, "violent" mother here.  in my mind i was having all sorts of thoughts of throwing his decrepit body under a bus.  it would only take a gentle nudge and that bus would totally take him out.  i also had terrible thoughts of punching him in his nasty crooked teeth and wondered how many would fall out with one fellow swoop of my fist.  yes, i had many horrible thoughts.

and then he jumped on his bus, and we jumped on ours.  and it was done.

shaking and fired up, i continued to ask heath what more i should have said.  what more should i have done.  i was in a total fight mode.  heath, who is much more calm and so much quicker to forgive than i am, simply told me to let it go.  he assured me that the man clearly had something wrong with him and for it not to ruin my morning.

so i tried to calm my inner demons who were dying to go pound on that guys head.  i tried to calm myself.  his words had cut deeply.  his words had brought to life a fear that i'd never even thought of.  prison?  what if any of my children ever went to prison!?  what a horrific thought.  because, all of those inmates inside those cells are someone's child!  as foul as any of those men or women may be, each one has a mother out there.  the thought made me shutter.

since the confrontation, i've had time to simmer down.  i've had a moment to even laugh about it.  and best of all, i've had time to pray about it.  there was no way that i was going to be able to get those words out of my head so i had to hand them over.  the thought has recently come to me that this guy is either crazy or he is a bitter old man.  maybe his son is in prison.  maybe the old man himself had spent time in prison.  i don't know the extent of his pain or the reasons why he would say such hurtful things.  but i  do know that he is human.  humans usually are hateful because they are hurting.  someone, at some point has been hurtful to him.

there is absolutely no reason for me to hold on to my anger.  forgiveness is really tough.  words are brutal.  they hurt.  now that i'm older and i remember the phrase my parents taught me about sticks and stones, i realize that words do actually hurt a lot but i have to make the choice to not allow them to bring me pain.  i have to let the words go.

i still have moments when i want to go and track that man down and give him a piece of my mind.  i replay in my head what it might have been like to go all ninja on him.  how good it would have felt to karate chop him in the face....but i let those thoughts in and then let them out.  i blink back my anger and even say a little prayer for him.  i know it sounds "holy holy" to say that i pray for him.  believe me, i'm far from it!  but, i've learned, the more i pray for those who treat me wrong, the more i see them through Christ's eyes.  everyone is human.  everyone hurts.  we all deal with our pain differently.

forgive.

move on.

i've recently had to look up verses to keep my mind on track.  i want to share them.  if any of you are anything like me, you can take words to heart and can be walking around with pain and frustration lurking.  it's no fun.  no one wants to walk around with pain in their heart.  these are some verses that have helped remind me to let go.  i hope they help you as much as they have helped me!

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.  1 Peter 3:9


But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.  Matthew 5:44


Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!”  Wait for the Lord, and he will avenge you.  
Proverbs 20:22




my little inmate.  




Saturday, February 2, 2013

Just A Glimpse

not long ago, i did a post on "home".  although there are a tiny few of you who have seen our london home, there are certainly not many.  i thought i would take a moment to put up some pictures of where and how we live around here.  it is very different from our life back in the US and i want to have this blog post for future times in my life when i begin to forget what this life was like, how we lived, what our space looked like.

heath and i realized that we've been in our london flat for as long, and longer, than our american home. we hadn't even settled into our marietta home when i began to go through the adoption process to find our girl.  we had moved in in mid december and i started the process in february.  i spent most of my days on the phone, filling out applications, researching, praying and wondering.  reese, maddox and zane were ages 18 months to 3 years.  i barely felt as though we even lived there.  the chaos kept us from feeling "settled".  not that we minded.  our new american home was exciting, we were working hard to furnish it, tend to children and trying to add our newest family member.  we may not have felt settled but it was well worth it!

before we even had the clear for who our little girl would be, we soon realized we would be moving to another country.  talk about a whirlwind!  all of the "moving in" that we had done became "moving out".  what would stay, what would go?  needless to say, trying to complete what we had started in our US home, came to an abrupt halt.  we had to focus our eyes elsewhere.  london elsewhere.

i clearly remember the excitement when we found this flat.  it was all one level!  with the small children, a place with no stairs would be perfect!  at the time, we did not know if or how disabled our daughter, echo, would be.  we felt like a one level home was a safe bet!  i also remember loving that our children would all be sleeping so close to our bedroom.  we would be able to be so close!  we loved the idea of it.

fast forward to the here and now.  we've been living in this flat for 19 months.  this flat is very much our home.  we have shared a lot of moments and memories within these walls and i can't help but feel that, with our time coming to and end, well.....it's a bit sad.  we've had more family dinners here, in this home, than the other.  we've spent more "normal" days in this home with a regular school schedule for the children and we've grown accustomed to size and scale here within this space.

don't get me wrong, there are things that we are looking forward to having when we get back.  double paned windows, front and back yard, garbage disposal in the sink, an actual laundry room, enough bedrooms for all family members, central heating and air, toilets that flush properly...i could go on.  these were things (or lack of) that i thought would kill me!  i just knew that it would be difficult.  but it's been fine.  we adjusted to life over here.

i went around the house and took pictures a few months ago.  i want to remember each room.  i want to remember where life really happened in our short time here.  because as cool as our holiday trips have been, as amazing as this city is, as exciting as life is over here....true life and love happens right within the home.  the memories that we have within these walls are the ones that i want to capture and hold on to.

my favorite area to blog.  it gets a little chilly by the window
but it's a great spot to be inspired!

our dinning room.  the fireplace is mauve, one
of my least favorite colors, and yet...
it's grown on me.


the living room, lots of lounging and dance parties
with the kiddos have happened here.


other side of living room.  the kids have
attempted many times to spin the chair
and foot rest around and around.
i put the kibosh on that every time.

our entryway where i lay out the children's
uniforms each night.  reese is pretending
to me "mommy" as she lays out clothes for
the others.

the playroom where much of
life happens.  we have
the map above the couch to
chart the countries we've
visited.

we call this the "tiny bathroom".
only one at a time in this loo!

the endless hallway!  kids can run
up and down at full speed.  it helps
when we don't have access to a garden.

tiny kitchen but very functional.  washing machine and
dish washer are within one of the cabinets.  i can practically
stand in one spot and reach all areas at once.
brilliant!

enough room for 3 big kids to eat at the bar,
echo goes down at the little table,
heath and i stand or grab a fold out
chair....and our tiny dryer.  we don't complain
since a dryer is a luxury in many homes here.


echo's modest bedroom.  i can't wait to get her into
a bright and colorful room back in the states.

started out as zane's room, also used as a guest room.
once we learned that our precious nanny, emma, might
have to live in a hostel and continue to work, we
asked her to live with us.  so now this is emma's room.
it's a full house, ya'll!
reese, maddox and zane's room.  they love it!
we love it!  it's a little tight but the children
have grown so close by having to share
a room.  we wouldn't trade it!  (although it
will be nice to spread out a bit once we get back to the US.)
yes, those are wall stickers.  they are tacky but the kids
love them.  don't judge.

heath and i actually have a really big room
by UK standards.  we all spend a good bit of time
back in our room watching tv, bathing kids and
hanging out.

our flat is tucked back behind a gate.  we have
a couple of porters who watch over the building 23/7.
yes, 23/7.  an hour is spared for transitions.
kinda funny.
bottom flat is ours.  home sweet home.
this is just a glimpse of where and how we live.  this was certainly not the most exciting blog entry but, like i said, i wanted to remember each room and this was a great way to do it.  i will look back on these pictures and feel like it was forever ago.  there will be a part of me that feels as if it never happened at all, that the time went by too quickly.  i'm not sure what all my memories will be of the things that we've done during our time here, but i am certain that i will look back on our flat with happiness and love.  one day i'll come back to these pictures for a glimpse of the way we lived.