Living Life Long Distance

we've been in london now for around 8 months.  i'm not sure if that feels like a long time or a short time.  a little bit of both, i guess.  there are things about living here that i love (the adventure and travel!!!) and things that i'm not so crazy about (the hustle and bustle of getting the kids to and from places and heath's crazy work schedule/travel).  it's been an adjustment.  the first three months were pretty difficult, the next couple of months were a little better. and after learning my way around, understanding the culture a little better and braving new areas, it became even better.  these last couple of months have been a little bit of both, "difficult" and a "little better".

the children talk about America often.  they ask questions about if we remember certain things (as if we could forget).  they want to know when we will go back, will we go back to stay forever, will we get to see friends and family members.  it's fun to talk to them about all of these things but it can also be little sad at times.  we all love home so much.  we are enjoying our days here but there is such a strong pull to be "home".

it's difficult to live life long distance.  we are on different time zones, different weather patterns, different tv shows to talk about, different schools, different churches.  there are so many differences that, although not really a big deal, after several months, becomes a little bigger.

there are people, friends and family, that i'm surprised that i have not kept in touch with more.  the time difference is crazy.  when i'm up and ready to make some phone calls in the morning, all of america is sleeping like babies (or my boot camp buddies are in the park working out at 5 am!)  when there are important phone calls to be made, i have to make them after 8 pm over here when the children are in bed and i can actually HEAR the person i'm speaking with, which again, gets crazy because it's 3 pm in the states.  who has time to chit chat at 3 pm.  and even someone who could talk at this time would do circles in the conversation around me since my brain is MUSH by 8 pm.

we have a long distance plan that allows us to call at any time and talk for as long as we like.  the bill is the same each month.  many people have this sort of phone plan.   it's nothing new and nothing fancy.  it's nice, because it allows me the opportunity to call whenever, whomever, and however i like.  so, why don't i call more?

long distance.  it's not the price, it's all the other stuff that makes it difficult.

i noticed something else that has seemed long distance over here.  God.  i say that with complete hesitation because i know that it's not His fault that i feel so far away from Him.  i know that it is all my fault and that hurts me deeply.  i'm in that "place" right now, that sort of valley.  you know, we have hills and valleys?  yep, i'm in the valley.  not a deep or desperate valley.  but a valley.  just a little one.  the things that i valued so much are long distance right now, my church, my small group on monday nights, my family, my cambodia team members and the option to do mission work (the way that i'm use to).  it's all so far away.  so it's really no wonder that i've slipped into this "far away" feeling.

even my prayers feel far away.  i like to describe my prayers as this:  i pray them, silently.  sometimes out loud.  and they feel as though they can't leave the room.  as if they are not heard.  like they bounce off the ceiling.  or the prayers just float up a little and then rest there, waiting to be heard at a later time.  sometimes, i'll have a million things that i want to say, that i want to pray.  and then when i start to speak, my words get jumbled, i start to fumble.  and there i just sit.

the thing is, i know better than this.  i know that God hears it all.  i know that i have a long distance plan with Him  as well.  His plan is free of charge.  i can call whenever i like and He'll always pick up, He'll always listen.  even with this knowledge and full belief.  full faith.  i still feel far away.

it's my truest belief that we have the hills and valleys with good reason.  it is with great certainty that God is at work, even in my weakness and my failure to communicate.  God has these two years in His hands along with a gazillion more things that are thrown His way by all of us.  and this time is important to Him, like all of time is.  the way that i carry myself and the way that i serve during the fun travels (when it's easy to enjoy the good life and all  the blessings) and the quiet lonely moments (when it's easy to have a pity party).  regardless of my hill or valley, i know that He is there.  i know that He is waiting, watching, listening, loving and holding me.   all of us.  God uses these valleys in all kinds of ways.  i know this from experience in some of my deepest and darkest valleys in the years past.  i wouldn't trade those valleys.  i won't trade this one.

and so, while i'm living life long distance.

feeling so far away.

i will continue to wait,

watch,

listen,

love

and hold on to Him as well.

this valley will not last forever, nor will the hills.  they come and go.

living life long distance is not easy.  but it's where i am for the moment.  and it's where i'll be for a little while. at least on the map.  i'm in God's hands all the time so i know He is right with me.

the valleys are here for a reason.

i'll continue to enjoy my hills and embrace my valleys.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

Swiss Family

zermat, switzerland skiing.  skiing doesn't really get much better than that, does it?  for anyone who knows skiing or has ever THOUGHT they knew skiing, switzerland is definitely a great place to go do so.  beautiful mountains, amazing sunshine, quiet, surrene, unimaginable mounds of snow.  it was one of the most, if not the most, picturesque place i have ever been.  pictures don't do this place justice.

i felt like one of the kids.  i'd never seen so much snow in all my life.  i was signed up for ski school, just like the older 3.  and this was an adventure i'd never had anything like.  yes.  i was feeling like one of the kids.





sunday was a day of full travel.  almost a 2 hour drive to the airport, 2 hours on a plane, 3 hours on a bus, and then 45 minutes on a train up the mountain.  and viola!  we had arrived!

once we'd gotten to our flat, a guy met us there to take us to be fitted for skis and ski boots.  he was young and fresh and had a skater-dude/british accent.  (don't ask me to immitate it but it was really cool!) and this little guy was easy on the eyes too.  he was really fun with the kids and we had a great time getting fitted for our gear.  the kids gear was too cute!  i couldn't believe that in only a few hours time, we were going to slap these small children into ski gear and send them down a mountain....or the fact that I, myself, would be getting into some gear and going down a mountain.  i'm not sure what freaked me out more!

we all headed back to the flat, this little british dude along with us and he showed us back to our "home" for the week.  and then he strapped on an apron and started to go through the pantry to find ingrediants, pots and pans and all sorts of other "cookery" things.....ummm, wait a minute.  you are our cook?  you are going to cook our meals and clean our messes?  oh my stars!  Heath, can we keep him?  


monday-friday was ski school for 4 of our crew of 7.  emma, our nanny was with us on this trip because it would be just torture to try to get echo into skis.  echo is clearly more concerned of when her next meal or nap is going to come.  we don't bother with her system because it works.  but, by golly, the rest of us were getting out there!

Kids formed a line on a rope to walk to the train that takes them up the mountain.

heath was the daddy of the holiday.  he was busy getting us all four padded and ready for our big first day of school.  he took the little ones first and then came back for me.  i must say, it's been a long time since i was this kind of nervous.  i do a lot of things that put me outside of my comfort zone but this was truly outside of my comfort zone.  he dropped me off at a train station and i had to ride up alone to find my instructor.  the train let me out at the top, to which i had to WALK down the snowy path to find my group.  i'm just going to be honest here, i couldn't even walk in the boots, much less, in the ice and snow, bobbing and weaving to stay out of skiers path, carrying awkward skis and too dangerously pointy poles.  this is NOT what responsible mothers do, is it?  and yet, here i was....

that was when i had the brilliant idea to ask a nice gentleman in front of me if he could be so kind as to pick me up and carry me 100 feet to the small ensamble of people that were below the hill.

okay, i didn't outright ask him to carry me, but i pretty much put all my weight into him as he "lifted" me down the hill.  turns out he was an instructor as well and as he handed me off to my instructor he said, "i think this one is yours, you've got your work cut out for you this week."  he smiled and walked off.


really?  i managed to make it all the way up the mountain on my own.  does that count for nothing?


my instructor just glared at me.  gulp.  i think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, sir. just wait until you get to know me and see the dynamic personality that i have....


i started out strong for the first 10 minutes on those slopes.  i mean strong!  full of confidence and excitement as i stood there....and then he told us to put on our skis.....

i won't go into detail about the morning, except to say that i was out on this tiny little bunny slope all day with a bunch of tiny kids zooming past me.  my problem is not that i can't ski. i can ski.  the problem is that i can't stop.  and believe me, that becomes a really big problem after awhile.

by lunch time, i was at the bottom of my class.  there were 8 of us in school and i was the worst.  i have  no sadness over this knowledge.  i have to take the truth and deal with it accordingly.  so as they were all moving on to bigger and better slopes next to my tiny bunny slope, i concentrated extra hard on using my legs, skis, arms, hands, and face to try and stop.

if you've ever wondered whether or not those bright orange fences and ropes keep you from going off a cliff, i can honestly say that, yes, they indeed keep you from death.

by the end of the first day, i was the pupil who could ski the fastest!

but i still hadn't learned to stop.

so the second day of school, what did this determined mama do?  i skipped school.  i went up the lift with my three beautiful children to sip on hot chocolate and watch them ski their little hearts out.  it was a good day.

Hanging with Zane after lunch.

Reese and Maddox learning skills.

by day three, i was back in the game.  we had learned that my boots were fitted incorrectly and they had given me better boots!  i was ready to take on those big bunny slopes!  but when i got there, the instructor took one look at me and began to scold me for skipping.  he told me everyone else was ahead of me and that my job today was "to catch up and catch up fast".

meany.

he sent me down the bunny hill, i managed to stay upright and as i was coming back up the hill he pulls us all together and says, "let's go".  i get looks from all the other students.  clearly, this is not good.

and up the lift we go.  on to THE REAL DEAL SLOPES.

um, i'm sorry sir, i don't yet know how to stop.  i don't even know how to slow down without using my face as the breaks.  can we discuss this?


apparently my punishment for skipping school was to be thrown into the mix.  or thrown off a cliff.  whichever came first.

i managed to figure out how to stop.  when you are given a choice of do or die.  you do!  oh man, you do!  i picked up the pace pretty well, even the instructor was surprised and told me so.  i thought we were getting on pretty well.  we'd done the level blue slope four times and i was feeling really confident.  he had shown me a few moves which i was starting to figure out and then it happened.

i hurt my foot.  at the time i thought i broke it.  seriously.  i felt a hot snap inside my boot as i was making a turn and i just knew that i'd broken my foot.  i couldn't stop the tears.  it was embarrassing to say the least.  i was almost at the bottom of the slope with only one more hill to go when the instructor pulled off next to me.  i told him something was wrong with my foot.

he turned me to face the hill and said, "you're a big girl, you'll be fine".  then he smacked my bottom and sent me sailing down that last hill!

i still can't believe it as i'm typing it.  the good news is, i found out later that day that my foot was not broken after all, it was only "tweaked".  the better news was, that i was dropping out of ski school!

i'm not a total loss when it comes to skiing.  i will give it another shot next year when we all head back to the slopes.  i will be certain that my instructor is not some old french guy named Marcelle.  i can assure you of that.  i will take on those bunny slopes once again and even brave the big ole blue slopes.

and if skiing is not my bag then tobogganing is always an option....but that's for my next blog...

Maddox was so proud of his medal.

Reese was a natural on those slopes!

Would someone give me a snack and a nap!?

Much like his mom, he cried every day at ski school and wanted to go FAST!  Unlike his mom, he hung in there and earned a medal.  Nice work, buddy!

Our gang!

The medalist!  Total champs of the week!

*thank you, heath, for taking this crazy family on a grand adventure.  you were so patient and kind the whole week as you watched us all bust, cry, complain and moan over aches and pains.  (okay, maybe i was the only one moaning over aches and pains).  you hardly had time for any skiing yourself and yet you were so happy to invest your time in each one of us.  you really took one for the team this time.  this was the first of many ski trips for us, i hope.  it only gets better with time....right?

Kept. Forever.

there is a strange and common occurrence happening around the house that drives me absolutely crazy these days.  makes me nuts.  sends me over the edge at times, causes me to take a step back and breathe before doing the unthinkable....

what is this unthinkable thing, you ask?

...throwing paper away.

paper.

so why would it be difficult to throw paper away?

let me explain:

my children are in the beginning stages of writing.  reese especially loves to write letters to heath and me.  she wants us to "keep them forever".  she draws us pictures, cuts out hearts, shapes, tiny little shreds of paper that she claims is a work of art.  a piece well deserving of being kept and loved, hung up on the wall, refrigerator, for all to see.  every piece.  every scrap.  she does not want to waste a bit.

today, i was cleaning out their rooms, their closets, my desk, the kitchen.  i kept coming across these tiny pieces of paper.  and just as i would be about to toss it, i would think, "how could i toss this?  her tiny hands made it.  she gave it as a gift.  she wants it to be kept.  forever."  i began to put all of these pieces together and pile them up.  several loads are in her closet now for her to sift through, find later, and give to  us again as a "new" creation of hers.  there may be a few that she asks about, "mommy, where is that tiny little piece of paper that I made into a bear, and named it Teddy?  i gave it to you along with the heart that i colored pink and put tiny dots on it..."  oh, i hope she does not have that great of a memory of some of those pieces....

she  will work for long periods of time on these papers.  cutting, coloring, shaping and shifting, folding, holding....oh, paper!  i find tiny little strips in random corners.  sometimes she reminds me of Edward Scissorhands.  she just keeps cutting, paper is flying, she doesn't give a care where the pieces land but, by golly, she thinks EVERY LAST PIECE is special!

i find little notes around the house.

Dear Mommy...


Dear Daddy...


these tiny little strips of paper should be so easy to throw away, but i find myself stopping my cleaning, stopping my scurried moment to read and reread those tiny little words on those tiny little sheets of paper.  my writer.

i have children that can write.  and read.  i say this in disbelief.  little writers.  little readers.  it's remarkable to me.  to watch them grow and change.  these tiny, 4 lb babies have come so far.

and to some, these tiny scraps are just that.  scraps.  scraps that could easily be tossed and never thought of again.  but for me, even if/when i do toss some little masterpiece away, i have a pang of guilt.  sadness.  how could i throw it away!?  deep inside of me though, i know that i can't keep all these things or you would see me, in 10 years, on Hoarders.

being a child of God, it makes me wonder how many times i've handed Him something.  some tiny strip of paper.  maybe it was a piece that i worked really hard on, maybe it was a piece that i picked up from the rubble of paper and handed it to Him as a "gift", hoping that it was enough to please Him for the moment.  how does He see these tiny pieces that i give Him?  i think it all depends on the giver, not necessarily the gift.

was it genuine?  did it matter to me?  was it something i intended for Him?  or did i give Him the leftovers?  because i know that He wouldn't want the leftovers.  but He would certainly take any tiny piece He could get, as long as it was meant for Him.  as long as the intentions were true and heartfelt.

lately, i feel as though i've given Him my tiny pieces that have fallen to the floor.  the leftovers.  i know it's not enough.  i know He wants more.  He wants my masterpieces.  He wants me to put some effort into these tiny "sheets of paper".  He certainly put some effort into me.  into us.  He thinks we are amazing masterpieces.  and we are.  it was easy for Him to "whip us up".  to create each one of us.  but He did it with such precision and love.  such sincerity and joy.  He whipped each one of us up with great intent.  great purpose.

am i serving that purpose?

i'm working on it.  i work on it all the time.  and sometimes i have to stop and be redirected on my purpose.  because i forget.  i get sidetracked.  i get a little lost.

and then i refocus.

and there He is.

my Purpose.

i will continue to wrestle with myself on whether or not to throw these tiny pieces of art away.  i hope that i will continue to find tiny little love letters strewn about the house.  one can never tire of tiny love letters from a child.  especially when it's your own.

however, i want to get better at my own "art".  i don't want to leave tiny little pieces for God.  I want to give Him my best.  my masterpieces.   i'll stumble along at times but i'll always get back on track.

and anyway, sometimes when we stumble, it makes it all the better for when He carries us through.

and rest assured, once we give our masterpieces to him.  once we hand ourselves over to Him.

and we are His.

we will be kept.

forever.

Joyeux Anniversaire à Paris!

i turned 35 this month.

35.

where did the time go?  i'm still 24 right?  i still feel 24 anyway.  it's so strange to think back to when i was actually 24 and how i viewed 35 year olds...think about it.  think about the age that you are now and bump up 11 more years!  seems like a LONG way away, doesn't it?  but yet, we look back 11 years ago and it doesn't seem so far away.

age is just a number, right?  that's what we tell people who might be sad about their age.  but i'm not.  i'm really proud to be 35.  i've accomplished a great deal and i know that i still have a lot of "umph" left in me to accomplish so much more.

35.

i turned 35 this month.

for my birthday, we decided to go to Paris!  i mean, it's only a short little hour flight, so why not!?  (i still can't get over how close all these cool places are around here!)  we flew out the day before my birthday and i was so excited to know that, not only was my birthday going to be the big 35th, but that we were going to be in Paris....AND my birthday fell on friday the 13th this year!  sweet!  my favorite birthdays are on friday the 13th.  my lucky number is 13.  i was thrilled!

after pulling together a major list "dos and don'ts" for the children over the weekend, i set off to the airport to meet heath.  he was flying in from the states, it had been one week since we'd seen one another.  romantic?  yes.  weird?  yes.

no children.

no diapers.

no sippy cups.

no complainers.

let's just take a moment to celebrate THAT!

okay, so we met up, talked about the weather, work, children.....yadda yadda and then it hit me.  we are alone.  i had a split second to tear up a bit and then i became really excited!  WE ARE ALONE!  


to all the moms out there, i will not let you down on this one.  i will appreciate if for all it's worth, i promise!

once we landed and we were driving in the cab.  i looked out at this amazing city that so many have talked about.  so many movies made from here.  it was crazy to think that i was getting the chance to be here.  i looked out the window and thought about the children, the upcoming weekend, my birthday....my birthday.  how fun.  i kept forgetting that it was my birthday!  i thought about the things that i wanted to do on that particular day.  i wanted to see Moulin Rouge, i wanted to try escargot, i wanted to get some uninterrupted sleep and....i wanted to call my mom.


 here is my thought about birthdays.  they are really anniversaries for the moms out there.  think about it.  we don't remember that big day, do we?  thank goodness, it would be shocking to come out naked, cold and screaming and then have a memory of it!  i, for one, am glad we don't remember it.  but our mothers do.  she remembers every last bit of it.  she remembers what she was doing that day, what she felt like, her fears, her excitement, the anticipation....she remembers.  so as much as we think this day is so special for us, i dare say that it's just as special, if not more, for our moms.

so when friday the 13th, my big day arrived, we took a private tour of the city, i ate and LOVED escargot, not only did we see Moulin Rouge but i was called on stage to perform!  (don't worry Daddy, i did not go topless!) and yes, i called my mom.  and i cried as i spoke to her.  she sounded so close but it was strange to think how far away she was at that moment.

35.  you just don't ever grow up too much for your mama.  she'll always be Mama.

she told me that she and daddy were reminiscing about the day i was born.  what they were doing, how they felt, the weather.....it was so nice to know they were celebrating her anniversary.

you know, i looked up Happy Birthday in french and "Joyeux Anniversaire" came up.  joy? anniversary?  pretty close.  maybe the french have it right.


one day, when i am much older.  i want to know that my children are enjoying life, that they are working hard and living hard and loving hard.  i want to hear about them doing fun things, exciting things.  i want to hear when they are bored or sad, excited, scared or confused.  i want to know.  i also want them to call me on their birthdays.  because no one will appreciate that day more than me.

there are three days that go down as three of the best days in my 35 years of existence.





one of those days, the birth of our twins, Reese and Maddox.
2 premature babies born way too early. six weeks too soon.  i was scared, confused, nervous, excited, tired, hopeful....
"these look like tiny squirrels!"

one of those days, the birth of our Zane.
a big ole bouncing baby boy born just as planned.  i was calm, easy, fun and funny, making jokes along the way.
"he looks like he's been in a boxing match!"  "what a beautiful baby."

one of those days, the birth of our Echo.
...in another country, so far away.  some amazing mom had thoughts of her own.  she gave her baby life.  and then gave her away two months later.  to have a better life.  for this little child, i don't need that one "birth" day.  because i get all of her other days.  and i get her phone calls when she turns 35.  lucky me.
blessed am i.

                                      Happy Birthday in Paris!  Joyeux Anniversaire a Paris!

"We Left Too Soon"

in my last post, i talked about how quickly time went by on our trip back to the states.  our Christmas Break turned into Christmas Express.  we had a great time seeing the friends and family that we were able to see but it never seemed like enough.  but even if we'd stayed for twice as many weeks and saw four times the amount of people, it still would not have been enough.

i'm greedy like that.

i want to see as many people and do as many things as i can.  and i want to have time to relax as well.  i want it all.

greedy.

there are times that i don't want to go outside of my house or my backyard because i want for just my family of six to be together and relish our moments with one another.

greedy.

yep, i want to do it all and then a little more than that.

as our 3 weeks came to a close, we had my family over for New Year's.  we had 8 adults and the 8 grandchildren under the age of 5 sleeping in our home for the night.  if you do the math, you will realize that half of the children were my own, so it really wasn't so scary.  the children went to bed and we spent the evening eating, laughing, playing, joking and acting silly.  my parents were there too.  they were quiet, my mom very intent on watching the Ryan Seacrest countdown.  they seemed tired.  and maybe even a little distant.  i chalked it up to the fact that they had been running themselves ragged over the last three weeks as well.

we brought in the New Year together, still eating, laughing, playing and joking.  but at this point my sister and i had started dancing.  things can get a little crazy when we are together.  it was nice to have several hours together without our children.  so that we could be the children once again.

the next morning, we woke up and had a sinful breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, cinnamon rolls, orange danish rolls and maybe even a few other things.  heath and i were doing the cooking and goodness knows, i can't cook and think at the same time.  if any of us had made a resolution to lose weight, it did not start with this breakfast.  soon after, my parents said their goodbyes, gave hugs and were walking out the door.  it didn't really hit me as "good-bye" until reese came down the stairs and said to my mom, "grandma, i want to hug you".  to which my mother replied, "well, of course.  i already hugged you, but i can hug you again".

and then it happened.  the tears came down.  my little girl knew that  the hug she'd gotten early from Grandma might not sustain her for the trip back to London.  so she needed one more....

the hugs began again and the tears came down.  and let me add, this was only my parents and i going through this.  the rest of the family was in the other room!  boy were they a little surprised when they came around and saw a bunch of crying babies at the front door!

we laughed and said good bye.

see you in three months.

it's not that long.

it's not too far away.

i've been away for that long before.

i can do it again.

the rest of the day was a lot of fun.  sitting in the backyard with my sister and brother and his wife and 6 of the children playing and running around.  (heath and my sister's husband had taken maddox and william to the falcons game.)  the day was beautiful.  bright sunshine, clear skies, warmth.  it really was a great day.  a beautiful way to start the new year.  2012 was already looking really good...

we came in and ordered pizza.  didn't i say that this day was NOT the start for anyone trying to lose weight.  i mean, come on, i'm living in england!  a girl has got to have good pizza when she is home in the US!  and as my brother walked out to go and pick up the pizza the phone rang.

my parents were on the line.  mama and my daddy were on their way back to our house.  they'd driven home, cooked black eyed peas and collard greens and were bringing them over for us to eat...

because every southerner knows that this will give you luck and fortune for the new year!

i laughed and told them to "come on"!  we'd have pizza, black eyed peas and collard greens!

once they arrived, we asked them what on earth they were up to.  why would they drive home, over an hour away, and then drive back in just a few short hours?

my mom went through the day of what they did, how they felt, what they said, what they didn't say...

and how they cried.

and cried.

"we left too soon", they said.  "we should have stayed".

so.  they came back.  and we ate.  and we laughed.  and we joked.  and we played.  a beautiful way to start the new year.  yes, 2012 was looking really, really good.

as much as we asked them to stay and spend another night, they did not.  they packed up those peas and greens and headed out the door.  this time, my mom and i did not hug.  we simply said goodbye.  see you in three months....

i almost went to go and give her that hug, thinking maybe she'd not realized that we didn't do it.  but i know my mama.  she knew we'd already had that hug earlier in the day and it was enough to sustain her.  or maybe it wasn't.  maybe it was too much sadness, too much mush.  so, i let her go.  thinking we are either really strong women or just silly wimps for not hugging it out and crying some more.  my mom does not want the drama of it all.  and i respect that.

there are always going to be times that we feel as though we didn't have enough time or that we left too soon from something.  someone.  some times there are some things that are never going to be enough.  this was one of those times and one of those things.  precious time with my family is never enough.

we are so blessed that they were able to turn around and come back.  there was still time to be had and we had it.  what a gift.

Christmas Break

it's been a complete whirlwind for the last 3-4 weeks.  i'm sure i'm speaking for everyone when i say that Christmas break goes by in a flash.  it's amazing how we wait and wait for the big holiday time to come and when it does...it flashes by us.  we make these elaborate plans of how we will spend the break with family and friends, sitting by the fire, laughing and playing it up the whole way through.  but somewhere along the way, we realize that time is getting away from us, slipping through our fingers, faster and faster with each passing day.

why do we call it Christmas BREAK?  who is doing the breaking?  not the wilson crew, that is for sure.

my elaborate plans were not really so elaborate.  they never really are.  i wanted to go home to the states and visit family and friends.  i really, really wanted to sit by the fire with my family, sipping on some hot chocolate and eating popcorn.  that's what i really wanted.  and we did get to do that...

for a night.

maybe two.

no where in my plans did i plan for so many doctor visits and sick children.  or surgery.  i did not calculate for that.  so when i took echo in for a hearing test and to have her ears checked, i was somewhat surprised to find out that she needed tubes and her adenoids taken out.  (i say "somewhat" because i made the appointment for her because i was skeptical of her hearing in the first place).

long story short:  we were in the US for three weeks, we had 6 doctor visits, several immunizations and surgery.  not to mention that she was on ear drops and antibiotics the whole time.  fun.  as it turned out, i did a lot of my new "planning" around echo and her doctor visits.

there just was not enough time to do it all, to see you all, to relax at all.  well, we relaxed a little.  a little.

so if i didn't get to see you, to hug you, to hang out or to even chat on the phone.  i'm sorry.  i really am.  i thought about all the people that i didn't get to see and spend time with.  but i know that when i do get to see each one of you, it will be that much better!  just think, we'll have a LOT more to talk to about at that point.  we'll just look on the bright side.

now, to catch up a million thoughts for all the posts that i want to write and put on this blog.  i really have a million.  i have not told about our trip to Portugal or Scotland.  and there are so many days of really great and fun things that have happened.  but the days are getting away from me already.

i'm going to get better at writing more often.  seriously.  even if i have to lock a small child in the bathroom for a chance to get on the computer.  i'm going to write more often.  at least once a week.  hold me to it.

The Christmas Card

this entry was written back in may...i'd written it in my blog "God's Echo" before i'd met my youngest daughter.  before the true chaos, the frustration, the laughter, the tears, the joy...before it all truly began. before our family of six was put together.  i went back and read it today.  i sobbed.

i've been trying to put our card together and in doing so, remembered, "this is what i've waited for"!  i'm putting together The Christmas Card.  our family is finally complete.  we are whole.

good luck to all of you who are struggling to put your card together this year.  i rip myself to shreds trying to find a "good picture"  or a "good enough" picture.  but regardless, this is the first card of many, God willing, that we are together for The Christmas Card......

now, let's go back to 6 months ago.....


pretty strange title for a blog update in May. and you would think that I would be thinking of more important things, like which medications to take over to China in case Echo is sick or how many diapers can we pack in one suitcase, do I have enough groceries for my three children to get them through a few days after we've gone. believe me, I'm thinking of all of those things too, but the one thing that I can't get off my mind off of is The Christmas Card.
we all love Christmas cards. they are so much fun to open each year and see how all the families are growing and changing. there is a lot of thought that goes into making a christmas card. the perfect Christmas card. wouldn't it be great to capture it! some years the cards look amazing! and other years...well, we get so sick of all the hassle, that we just throw a picture on there and send it out. that was about how this past year went for me.
when i considered adoption, there was one thing that kept coming back to me, The Christmas Card. I could see what it would look like 10 years from now. and in every way that I tried to shape and shift that christmas card, I could not see it without her on it. i could not see that card 10 years from now without my four children. and the craziest part was that one of those children didn't look like me. she had beautiful brown skin and those deep, dark brown eyes. the blackest hair. why couldn't i get around this christmas card?
in the days of paperwork when I questioned what we were doing, while in the adoption process, i would always let my mind go back to that card. i had no idea how we were going to manage four children ages 5 and under. i did not want to go back to diapers! bottles! oh, please, no more bottles! but. the card. she was on it. i couldn't see my future family without her face. so I would continue down the path of seeking her. i knew she was out there. you have to start at point A to get to point B.

you know, there are nights that i've layed down to pray only to find myself crying and asking "why? why would You ask me to take this new responsibility? Did you hear my yell at one of my own today? how can i take on another? I'm already so tired. Lord, i already have my hands full with the three I have!" i wonder if He cracks up and replies back with, "yeah, and i've got the WHOLE WORLD in my hands!" i think God has a sense of humor. we do, as humans, and he created us in His image...it makes sense, right?

and then I remember my favorite quote: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called." (author unknown) who am i to think that i could do this on my own? why would i try? God has this all under control and He's going to equip me with everything I need to get thru it. so i try to turn those voices off in my head that say i can't do it. because it's true. i can't. but God can. and He will. He already has.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

He begins our life stories way before we were ever born. we all have a purpose in His plan. we just have to listen and follow. i know, easier said than done.

So the Christmas card. i have no idea what it will look like this year, much less what it will look like in 10 years. but i do know that we will all be together. our family will be complete. we will have our missing puzzle piece. my four hoodlums may be looking in every direction EXCEPT the camera's and our newest member....she'll be right along with the chaos. but we'll see that beautiful brown skin and those deep, dark brown eyes. the blackest hair. a perfectly imperfect family card. The Christmas Card.

okay, let me get back to packing diapers and bottles.....