You Don't Know

going home to the states was exciting for a lot of reasons.  one of the main reasons it's always great to go home is to see our loved ones.  friends a family cannot be replaced.  so when we arrived home, i had the list in my head of who i wanted and needed to see.  the list was LONG but i was determined to do my best.

one of these special friends happens to be my Eyebrow Lady.  i know her actual name but have great fun in calling her Eyebrow Lady.   i even told her one day that i call her this and she thought it was hysterical.  i saw her every three weeks for almost 6 years to do a little maintenance on my brows.  we met, for the first time, when my husband bought my mom and i a facial from her after my twins were born in 2006.  not only did i enjoy going to her because of the miracles she performed on my face but because of our conversations. she was such a deep and honest thinker.  her heart was always interested in others.  she had a lot of questions.  and had a lot of answers.  we would have great conversations about worldly issues, religion, people, finances, places, friends, children and so much more.  i considered her a friend.

a few years ago, when i came in, she asked me some questions about my faith and wanted to hear what i had to say.  it was one of the first times that i was more calm in my response.  for me, talking out loud about my faith, makes me jittery,  nervous,  sometimes embarrassed, when it is with someone that i feel as though i'm trying to justify it to.  i'm not good at memorizing scripture, i'm not eloquent with my words, i'm just a regular old mama who believes utterly and faithfully in something that i cannot explain or justify.

her mother, who lived in kazakhstan, had recently passed away and she was having a difficult time with it.  she wanted to see her again.  she wanted to know the true meaning of life. she didn't want her mother's life to just be what it was, a life.  here and then gone.  it seemed too painful for her.  too simple.  there had to be more.

as she worked on my eyebrows, i explained to her what i believed to be true about Christ and how it is that we get to Heaven.  it wasn't a flowery explanation, i didn't have cool words to woo her or anything of that sort.  she was skeptical and told me that she did not believe the same way but thought that there might be a higher power of some sort.  she seemed to be chewing on what i'd said but i could also tell she may have thought that i was off my rocker.  a little crazy in the head.  haaha  (okay, i'll take that)

after that conversation with her, i started to feel a pull toward her.  i would pray for her daily, regularly.  actually, she was the reason why i began to pray even more.  she was on my mind often.  when i sat in church, i would think of her.  months went by and we would have other small conversations about prayer or spiritual "well-being".  she was always trying to know more mainly because she loved to hear her clients talk.  she has a great listening ear!

after even more months went by, i gathered up the courage to send her a card, letting her know that i adored our friendship and that i was praying for her.  later, i felt the need (really it felt like more of a calling) to give her a book about my faith, "how good is good enough" by andy stanley.  and then there was a sermon that i attended that i felt so much of a pull for her that i bought the CD, as we were leaving, to give to her.  i kept that CD in my car for a month or more!  i listened to it endlessly.  over and over.  i desperately wanted to give it to her but i was so afraid.  i knew it would answer some of her questions about life but i was scared that i was coming on too strong.  and pushy people drive me nuts.  i did not want to be a pushy person.  and yet, i felt a nudge...asking me to be "persistent".  as last summer approached, i decided to drop by her business and give her the CD with a card.  i told her that it was a sermon and may sound a little crazy to her but i'd had it in my car for her for a couple of months and it was burning a whole in my glove box so i needed to hand it over!  she laughed and took it from me.

the next time i saw her, she told me she had listened to the CD and enjoyed it.  she still did not believe the same as i did but she enjoyed the sermon very much.  (okay, i'll take that)

summer was ending and we began to pack for London.  i teared up a little when i left my Eyebrow Lady.  i told her how special she was to me and that i viewed her as a friend, not just my Eyebrow Lady.  we hugged and she said that we had a connection that very few people have.  we agreed that our souls were much the same.  our souls just "jived".

we moved in August.

four weeks ago, back in the states for a visit, i decided i would call my Eyebrow Lady.  i had saved up my brows just for her.  they were nice and bushy!  i would be renewing my vows with heath and i wanted them looking their best.  i couldn't wait to see her, to tell her about London, to tell her about renewing my vows, to ask her about her daughters, to ask her how her dad in kazakhstan was doing.  she had been planning a visit to see him in September and was super excited so i wanted to know how it went and how he was doing after his wife's death.

i called to make my appointment and the receptionist answered the phone.  it was a familiar voice and she asked where i'd been.  i told her we lived out of the country now but that we were visiting and i wanted to see if my girl was available for an eyebrow wax on friday.

the receptionist paused...."oh.....you don't know, do you?"

know?  no.  i don't know.  know what?


she continued to pause for a really long time.  so long, in fact, that i had time to think of things that could be going on.

-she left the job?
-she was fired?
-she moved back to kazakhstan?
-she was in a car accident?


the receptionist said, "mistye, valentin was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September. it was already stage four.  she passed away in November."

no....please, God, no.  i needed more time with her!  i wasn't there for her.  she was a dear friend.  i didn't get to say goodbye.


the receptionist stayed on the phone with me for quite some time.  Eyebrow Lady had wanted to not tell her clients the truth.  she wanted her coworkers to tell us that she'd moved back to Kazakhstan and would not return.  she did not want us to know that she was dying.  fortunately, her coworkers talked her into telling everyone the truth.  when she passed, she left behind her ailing father, her doting husband and her two beautiful young-adult daughters.

i'm still in shock and disbelief over her death.  i'm still saddened by it to no end.  i have no answers for why her life was taken so young or so quickly.  but i do know why i felt such a pull to talk to her about Christ, to share my faith.  i now know why there was such a pull, such a draw to her, especially in the end.  i know why i could not get her off my mind and my heart.  i know that i was put in her life for a reason.  and she was in mine for a reason.  she is a good lesson to me to follow my Lord when i feel Him say "hurry".  "don't wait until tomorrow, tell her today".  "don't be embarrassed, just say it from your heart".


it's taken me a while to register the news.  to think about the what-ifs. what if i'd been more vocal about my faith?  what if i'd been more pushy?  what if i'd sat down with her and helped her to understand, to believe?  to have faith?  why not ask her to give it a chance?  open her mind her to the possibilities?

i once heard from andy stanley, in a sermon to non-believers, "in accepting Christ as your savior, you have everything to gain.  in not accepting Christ, you have everything to lose.  so why not believe in the possibility,  why not choose to believe?".

my lesson from this is that i want to talk to my friends who don't know Christ's love.  i don't want to be pushy.  i want to be persistent.  because you don't know.  you don't know what kind of difference you can make in someone else's life.  you don't know how your actions can change someone's views, beliefs, outlook.  you just don't know.

i understand that i was not the only Christian in Valentin's life.  she had some really great girlfriends that she spoke of who also believed and wanted her to open up to the possibility as well.  i can only hope that i did a small part in rattling her heart as well.  who knows.

i like to think that i'll have an answer to this one day when i go to Heaven.  i hope to see her there.  i hope to hear the story of how she accepted Christ as her Savior.  i want her to show me around Heaven.  maybe she can do my eyebrows!

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

All Dressed Up and No Place To Go

monday morning marked a big day back to school.  the children had been on holiday for three weeks.  we'd flown back from the states only a couple of days prior and were still battling jet lag.  i'd taken the extra time to lay out their clothes and things the night before as i always do to try and make the morning go as smoothly as possible.  i try to be prepared for anything that could possible make us late.  not because i'm such a good mom.  quite the opposite.  if i'm not totally organized, i'm totally UNorganized.  

the morning started out with little zane at my bedside.  at 4:59 am.  i could hear him saying, "mommy, i have something to tell you!"

then he waited.

and i waited.

i was hoping, praying really, that he would go away.

just go away you tiny little intruder.  i'm sleeping.  i can't even see straight right now.  it is not time to get UP!


so...i ignored him.

but zane is not easily ignored.  so he came over, got in my face and said, "MOMMY, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!"

after tilting my face up off the pillow and mumbling a bit i asked, "what zane, what do you want to tell me?"


"well, i just want to tell you that i don't think i'm weewy that sweeeepy anymore".

oh no he didn't.....

zane did end up going back to bed.  and he did fall back asleep.  i did not.

so after laying in bed for a while longer, i got up and got our day going.  it was the first day back.  i was such a sight.  hair all a mess, bags under my eyes, and sweatpants.  yes, it was going to be a sweatpants kind of morning.  i couldn't managed to fix coffee for myself.  i wanted to make sure everyone was up, ready and out the door.

first day back!  we have to be on time.  i need to be prepared for their jet lag leftovers.  for tears.  for ANYTHING that could make us late.


but once the children woke up, it was relatively easy.  just a regular old morning.  they were all tired but in really good moods.  echo was so tired that she was super quiet and just sat in her chair up under all her black hair and ate peacefully.  (score!)

we got out the door in record time.  truly.  it's like we were floating to the bus.  it was so nice.  we managed to catch the bus after only waiting 2-3 minutes.  there were PLENTY of seats on the bus.  we all flew to back and sat down.  and then i began to realized things....

where is zane's lunch box?
oops, we didn't bring their math workbooks back.
oops, we didn't  complete, or even BEGIN, their easter diaries.
oops, reese has on GREEN nail polish.  (she'd been told not to wear nail polish after the head master saw her with light pink a couple of months ago.)

you would think these things might get me down, but no.  i was still in good spirits, telling the children not to worry about any homework that may or may not be due (i mean, maybe it was meant for fun, right?).  and i told zane that mommy would be back in an hour with his lunch.  just enjoy the bus ride and let's get to school, people.

once we got off the bus and walked the rest of the way to school and rounded the corner, things seemed a little quiet.  i immediately began to wonder the impossible.  could school be closed today?  could we be late?  suddenly maddox, my ever so observant son asks, "mommy, are we late or something".  we continue to walk and as we near the school doors, it is becoming more clear that we are either really early, really late.  or there is no school.

i check my watch.  8:41 am.  children are allowed to begin walking in from 8:00-9:00 am.  okay, we are not late.  we get to the door and all four stand there for a moment in complete silence.  but i can't except the truth.  this can't be happening.  so i tell them, "we're going in".  we pushed open the door, good sign that the door opened.

and then i see a mom of a child who's in zane's room.  she is paying a bill at the front desk and starts to laugh.  she asks me if i got all the kids dressed for school today (laughing) because (laughing) there is no school today.  school is closed.  school starts back tomorrow.  we have an extra day.

we have an extra day.

an extra day.

well, that would have been nice, huh?


so, what else could we do, we got back on the bus, and rode home.

and picked up coffee.

a venti latte.

we made it in the door and kids stripped of their clothes and got down into their underwear and began to run around.  who cares if we were all dressed up with no place to go.  i was still in my sweatpants and no bra, so why not let the kids get practically naked.

and i can honestly say, i LOVED my "extra" day with those children.  i loved it.  we were all giddy when we returned home (i was sucking down a venti coffee, after-all!).  we were all just thrilled to have another day together.  another day to play.  another day of freedom.  an extra day.

one day, i will look back on this day and feel so blessed to have had that day.

i already do.

This Little Light of Mine

Last year on april 2, we celebrated a birthday for echo.  our little family of 5 had a tiny celebration for a little daughter and sister who was turning one on that paticular day.  originally, i'd thought that we would have a big party for her, with decorations, gifts and maybe even invite over her grandparents.  but as the date closed in, i realized that celebrating would be very difficult without her.  and so we, i,  chose to make it simple.  so simple, in fact, that we celebrated by letting each of her siblings have a cupcake with a candle to blow out.  we sang happy birthday.  it seemed a little hollow, now that i think about it.  no feeling, no light.  little happiness.  but there was anticipation and hope, no doubt, for the daughter and sister that we would soon be able to bring home.

celebrating without echo last year, April 2, 2011

this year, we celebrated for echo.  with echo!  on april 2, echo turned 2 years old.  and since she'd not celebrated the year before, we went with the whole "first birthday" type feeling.  we partied in my parents' backyard, with food, gifts, family, cake...yes, she even had her smash cake that so many first birthday babies get.  i just knew she would tear into it.  but, of course, like all 3 of our other children, she picked at it, unsure if this was really a safe or smart thing to do, after all, mommy never lets us DIG in our food!  she didn't really get it.  or like it.  and after she put a tiny finger or two in the cake, she looked at me and said, "wet wipe?".







just seeing and thinking about how far this little one has come is mind boggling.  we've not even had her a year!  i'm amazed at the changes in her physically, mentally, socially....it really is amazing.  and there are times that i'm amazed at my own changes for all the same reasons.  she has taught me a new kind of unconditional love.  we still have a long way to go but each day gets us closer.  it's still a lot of work.  but what 2 year old is NOT a lot of work?  i look at this little girl, our daughter, and see so much in her.  i see so many birthdays, vacations, holidays, arguments (well, she is a girl!) giggles, accomplishments, celebrations...i see it all with her.

look at this party crew!

echo with grandma and granddaddy williamson

yes, i see it all and more.  our full family.  our family of 6.  there is never a dull moment.  we are constantly moving, constantly going, constantly doing.  but constant is good these days.  constant is really good...

happy birthday, baby echo.  you gave us another light in our lives, little girl.

Dubai

dubai.  let's discuss!

never in a million years did i think i would get the opportunity to go to dubai, but when my husband came to me back in january and said, "hey, i have a conference to go to in dubai, do you think you'd want to go?", i about hit the floor.  my jaw actually did!

not that i knew, really, where dubai was on the map, or how far we'd have to fly to get there, i only knew that my answer was, "YES!"

i was able to go for a full weekend.  we left on a thursday night and i stayed until early monday morning.  (heath and his co-worker stayed for the week).  we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, we really thought that the hotel was so amazing that we would just stay by the pool for a few days.

WRONG!

saturday morning we (heath, myself, dustin (co-worker) and abby (his wife) were all around the pool and dustin tells us that he booked us a trip to go on a desert safari.  we all thought this would be really fun and something new and exciting.  after laying out by the water, in amazing sand and having really nice cabana boys bring us popsicles to cool us off (no, i'm not kidding!) we all went up to get ready for our desert safari.

the safari was like something i've never done.  and never thought i would do!  we drove down the highway for about 45 minutes and then he just pulled into some desert.  while we rode around on quad-bikes, he let air out of the Land Cruiser's tires.  we all piled back in after a FANTASTIC time on the quad-bikes (four wheelers).  so much fun.

and we were off to the desert!  right away, he took us to this really high tip of a desert hill and we just rode it until the car started to go sideways!  we all screamed, i may have been holding my breath, i'm not sure and then we were on all four wheels again.  he did this over and over and over again.  it was amazing.  dune bashing is what it's called.  it was such a thrill!

after dune bashing for an hour or so, stopping to get some great pictures, and driving some more, we came to an area...i'm not even sure what to call it.  it was a wide open area for us to have dinner and entertainment.  we did things like camel riding, hookah, ate exotic food (like camel...yes, i ate some.  it tastes like chicken) and henna painted on our arms.  it was really like nowhere i'd ever been before.  it was so much fun.

the best part of it all was that heath and i were able to do this together.  to experience this for the first time, at the same time.  we were like little kids at disney!  my face hurt that night as we came home from it all because i'd been smiling so much, laughing and talking endlessly about what a great experience it had been.  it just kept getting better the whole day through!

you know, sometimes you need a little crazy fun with your spouse.  it was new and exciting and it enabled us, FORCED us, to forget about work, children, and responsibility.....it was wonderful.

just for a little while. to forget.  and to have fun.

the next day we shopped at the gold markets and had some fun bartering with the locals, (i may have had more fun than heath on that) and later, we were able to shop at The Dubai Shopping Mall, the world's largest shopping mall and then have dinner at the top of the tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa.  it's really just kinda fun to say that we did these things.  the mall was more than i could stand.  endless shopping...you think it sounds fun until you are lost in a labyrinth of stores and you can't find your way out!

it was at our dinner, way up high, that heath and i were able to sit back and giggle at all the crazy things we'd done over the weekend.  again, like little kids at disney who were trying to be calm adults in an adult restaurant.  all the excitement from the weekend.  and not only that, but all the adventures we've done in the last 10 YEARS together!  it's been a wild ride since the moment we met.  we couldn't help but talk about our blessings that we've been given, the opportunities that we have in front of us.  there is not a day that goes by that i don't think about these years as a fun experience (even when times get a little crazy), a learning experience (goodness knows i'm learning!) and a time to grow.

it was also during this time, that we talked about the blessings and how much we enjoy and want to give back, to serve, to help.  i am certain that my time of mission work is not over.  i'm certain that at some point, God will lead me back to cambodia where there is more work to be done for those children.  i was not created to take in all these blessings and NOT give back.

dubai was a great trip for so many reasons.  it gave us a chance to escape reality.  but it also gave us a really hard look at what reality really is for us and the important things in life.  it's not that we'd forgotten these things but a tiny reminder never hurts.  dubai will be one of my most treasured trips with heath.  we learned more about one another and remembered a few things about ourselves too.

Living Life Long Distance

we've been in london now for around 8 months.  i'm not sure if that feels like a long time or a short time.  a little bit of both, i guess.  there are things about living here that i love (the adventure and travel!!!) and things that i'm not so crazy about (the hustle and bustle of getting the kids to and from places and heath's crazy work schedule/travel).  it's been an adjustment.  the first three months were pretty difficult, the next couple of months were a little better. and after learning my way around, understanding the culture a little better and braving new areas, it became even better.  these last couple of months have been a little bit of both, "difficult" and a "little better".

the children talk about America often.  they ask questions about if we remember certain things (as if we could forget).  they want to know when we will go back, will we go back to stay forever, will we get to see friends and family members.  it's fun to talk to them about all of these things but it can also be little sad at times.  we all love home so much.  we are enjoying our days here but there is such a strong pull to be "home".

it's difficult to live life long distance.  we are on different time zones, different weather patterns, different tv shows to talk about, different schools, different churches.  there are so many differences that, although not really a big deal, after several months, becomes a little bigger.

there are people, friends and family, that i'm surprised that i have not kept in touch with more.  the time difference is crazy.  when i'm up and ready to make some phone calls in the morning, all of america is sleeping like babies (or my boot camp buddies are in the park working out at 5 am!)  when there are important phone calls to be made, i have to make them after 8 pm over here when the children are in bed and i can actually HEAR the person i'm speaking with, which again, gets crazy because it's 3 pm in the states.  who has time to chit chat at 3 pm.  and even someone who could talk at this time would do circles in the conversation around me since my brain is MUSH by 8 pm.

we have a long distance plan that allows us to call at any time and talk for as long as we like.  the bill is the same each month.  many people have this sort of phone plan.   it's nothing new and nothing fancy.  it's nice, because it allows me the opportunity to call whenever, whomever, and however i like.  so, why don't i call more?

long distance.  it's not the price, it's all the other stuff that makes it difficult.

i noticed something else that has seemed long distance over here.  God.  i say that with complete hesitation because i know that it's not His fault that i feel so far away from Him.  i know that it is all my fault and that hurts me deeply.  i'm in that "place" right now, that sort of valley.  you know, we have hills and valleys?  yep, i'm in the valley.  not a deep or desperate valley.  but a valley.  just a little one.  the things that i valued so much are long distance right now, my church, my small group on monday nights, my family, my cambodia team members and the option to do mission work (the way that i'm use to).  it's all so far away.  so it's really no wonder that i've slipped into this "far away" feeling.

even my prayers feel far away.  i like to describe my prayers as this:  i pray them, silently.  sometimes out loud.  and they feel as though they can't leave the room.  as if they are not heard.  like they bounce off the ceiling.  or the prayers just float up a little and then rest there, waiting to be heard at a later time.  sometimes, i'll have a million things that i want to say, that i want to pray.  and then when i start to speak, my words get jumbled, i start to fumble.  and there i just sit.

the thing is, i know better than this.  i know that God hears it all.  i know that i have a long distance plan with Him  as well.  His plan is free of charge.  i can call whenever i like and He'll always pick up, He'll always listen.  even with this knowledge and full belief.  full faith.  i still feel far away.

it's my truest belief that we have the hills and valleys with good reason.  it is with great certainty that God is at work, even in my weakness and my failure to communicate.  God has these two years in His hands along with a gazillion more things that are thrown His way by all of us.  and this time is important to Him, like all of time is.  the way that i carry myself and the way that i serve during the fun travels (when it's easy to enjoy the good life and all  the blessings) and the quiet lonely moments (when it's easy to have a pity party).  regardless of my hill or valley, i know that He is there.  i know that He is waiting, watching, listening, loving and holding me.   all of us.  God uses these valleys in all kinds of ways.  i know this from experience in some of my deepest and darkest valleys in the years past.  i wouldn't trade those valleys.  i won't trade this one.

and so, while i'm living life long distance.

feeling so far away.

i will continue to wait,

watch,

listen,

love

and hold on to Him as well.

this valley will not last forever, nor will the hills.  they come and go.

living life long distance is not easy.  but it's where i am for the moment.  and it's where i'll be for a little while. at least on the map.  i'm in God's hands all the time so i know He is right with me.

the valleys are here for a reason.

i'll continue to enjoy my hills and embrace my valleys.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

Swiss Family

zermat, switzerland skiing.  skiing doesn't really get much better than that, does it?  for anyone who knows skiing or has ever THOUGHT they knew skiing, switzerland is definitely a great place to go do so.  beautiful mountains, amazing sunshine, quiet, surrene, unimaginable mounds of snow.  it was one of the most, if not the most, picturesque place i have ever been.  pictures don't do this place justice.

i felt like one of the kids.  i'd never seen so much snow in all my life.  i was signed up for ski school, just like the older 3.  and this was an adventure i'd never had anything like.  yes.  i was feeling like one of the kids.





sunday was a day of full travel.  almost a 2 hour drive to the airport, 2 hours on a plane, 3 hours on a bus, and then 45 minutes on a train up the mountain.  and viola!  we had arrived!

once we'd gotten to our flat, a guy met us there to take us to be fitted for skis and ski boots.  he was young and fresh and had a skater-dude/british accent.  (don't ask me to immitate it but it was really cool!) and this little guy was easy on the eyes too.  he was really fun with the kids and we had a great time getting fitted for our gear.  the kids gear was too cute!  i couldn't believe that in only a few hours time, we were going to slap these small children into ski gear and send them down a mountain....or the fact that I, myself, would be getting into some gear and going down a mountain.  i'm not sure what freaked me out more!

we all headed back to the flat, this little british dude along with us and he showed us back to our "home" for the week.  and then he strapped on an apron and started to go through the pantry to find ingrediants, pots and pans and all sorts of other "cookery" things.....ummm, wait a minute.  you are our cook?  you are going to cook our meals and clean our messes?  oh my stars!  Heath, can we keep him?  


monday-friday was ski school for 4 of our crew of 7.  emma, our nanny was with us on this trip because it would be just torture to try to get echo into skis.  echo is clearly more concerned of when her next meal or nap is going to come.  we don't bother with her system because it works.  but, by golly, the rest of us were getting out there!

Kids formed a line on a rope to walk to the train that takes them up the mountain.

heath was the daddy of the holiday.  he was busy getting us all four padded and ready for our big first day of school.  he took the little ones first and then came back for me.  i must say, it's been a long time since i was this kind of nervous.  i do a lot of things that put me outside of my comfort zone but this was truly outside of my comfort zone.  he dropped me off at a train station and i had to ride up alone to find my instructor.  the train let me out at the top, to which i had to WALK down the snowy path to find my group.  i'm just going to be honest here, i couldn't even walk in the boots, much less, in the ice and snow, bobbing and weaving to stay out of skiers path, carrying awkward skis and too dangerously pointy poles.  this is NOT what responsible mothers do, is it?  and yet, here i was....

that was when i had the brilliant idea to ask a nice gentleman in front of me if he could be so kind as to pick me up and carry me 100 feet to the small ensamble of people that were below the hill.

okay, i didn't outright ask him to carry me, but i pretty much put all my weight into him as he "lifted" me down the hill.  turns out he was an instructor as well and as he handed me off to my instructor he said, "i think this one is yours, you've got your work cut out for you this week."  he smiled and walked off.


really?  i managed to make it all the way up the mountain on my own.  does that count for nothing?


my instructor just glared at me.  gulp.  i think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, sir. just wait until you get to know me and see the dynamic personality that i have....


i started out strong for the first 10 minutes on those slopes.  i mean strong!  full of confidence and excitement as i stood there....and then he told us to put on our skis.....

i won't go into detail about the morning, except to say that i was out on this tiny little bunny slope all day with a bunch of tiny kids zooming past me.  my problem is not that i can't ski. i can ski.  the problem is that i can't stop.  and believe me, that becomes a really big problem after awhile.

by lunch time, i was at the bottom of my class.  there were 8 of us in school and i was the worst.  i have  no sadness over this knowledge.  i have to take the truth and deal with it accordingly.  so as they were all moving on to bigger and better slopes next to my tiny bunny slope, i concentrated extra hard on using my legs, skis, arms, hands, and face to try and stop.

if you've ever wondered whether or not those bright orange fences and ropes keep you from going off a cliff, i can honestly say that, yes, they indeed keep you from death.

by the end of the first day, i was the pupil who could ski the fastest!

but i still hadn't learned to stop.

so the second day of school, what did this determined mama do?  i skipped school.  i went up the lift with my three beautiful children to sip on hot chocolate and watch them ski their little hearts out.  it was a good day.

Hanging with Zane after lunch.

Reese and Maddox learning skills.

by day three, i was back in the game.  we had learned that my boots were fitted incorrectly and they had given me better boots!  i was ready to take on those big bunny slopes!  but when i got there, the instructor took one look at me and began to scold me for skipping.  he told me everyone else was ahead of me and that my job today was "to catch up and catch up fast".

meany.

he sent me down the bunny hill, i managed to stay upright and as i was coming back up the hill he pulls us all together and says, "let's go".  i get looks from all the other students.  clearly, this is not good.

and up the lift we go.  on to THE REAL DEAL SLOPES.

um, i'm sorry sir, i don't yet know how to stop.  i don't even know how to slow down without using my face as the breaks.  can we discuss this?


apparently my punishment for skipping school was to be thrown into the mix.  or thrown off a cliff.  whichever came first.

i managed to figure out how to stop.  when you are given a choice of do or die.  you do!  oh man, you do!  i picked up the pace pretty well, even the instructor was surprised and told me so.  i thought we were getting on pretty well.  we'd done the level blue slope four times and i was feeling really confident.  he had shown me a few moves which i was starting to figure out and then it happened.

i hurt my foot.  at the time i thought i broke it.  seriously.  i felt a hot snap inside my boot as i was making a turn and i just knew that i'd broken my foot.  i couldn't stop the tears.  it was embarrassing to say the least.  i was almost at the bottom of the slope with only one more hill to go when the instructor pulled off next to me.  i told him something was wrong with my foot.

he turned me to face the hill and said, "you're a big girl, you'll be fine".  then he smacked my bottom and sent me sailing down that last hill!

i still can't believe it as i'm typing it.  the good news is, i found out later that day that my foot was not broken after all, it was only "tweaked".  the better news was, that i was dropping out of ski school!

i'm not a total loss when it comes to skiing.  i will give it another shot next year when we all head back to the slopes.  i will be certain that my instructor is not some old french guy named Marcelle.  i can assure you of that.  i will take on those bunny slopes once again and even brave the big ole blue slopes.

and if skiing is not my bag then tobogganing is always an option....but that's for my next blog...

Maddox was so proud of his medal.

Reese was a natural on those slopes!

Would someone give me a snack and a nap!?

Much like his mom, he cried every day at ski school and wanted to go FAST!  Unlike his mom, he hung in there and earned a medal.  Nice work, buddy!

Our gang!

The medalist!  Total champs of the week!

*thank you, heath, for taking this crazy family on a grand adventure.  you were so patient and kind the whole week as you watched us all bust, cry, complain and moan over aches and pains.  (okay, maybe i was the only one moaning over aches and pains).  you hardly had time for any skiing yourself and yet you were so happy to invest your time in each one of us.  you really took one for the team this time.  this was the first of many ski trips for us, i hope.  it only gets better with time....right?

Kept. Forever.

there is a strange and common occurrence happening around the house that drives me absolutely crazy these days.  makes me nuts.  sends me over the edge at times, causes me to take a step back and breathe before doing the unthinkable....

what is this unthinkable thing, you ask?

...throwing paper away.

paper.

so why would it be difficult to throw paper away?

let me explain:

my children are in the beginning stages of writing.  reese especially loves to write letters to heath and me.  she wants us to "keep them forever".  she draws us pictures, cuts out hearts, shapes, tiny little shreds of paper that she claims is a work of art.  a piece well deserving of being kept and loved, hung up on the wall, refrigerator, for all to see.  every piece.  every scrap.  she does not want to waste a bit.

today, i was cleaning out their rooms, their closets, my desk, the kitchen.  i kept coming across these tiny pieces of paper.  and just as i would be about to toss it, i would think, "how could i toss this?  her tiny hands made it.  she gave it as a gift.  she wants it to be kept.  forever."  i began to put all of these pieces together and pile them up.  several loads are in her closet now for her to sift through, find later, and give to  us again as a "new" creation of hers.  there may be a few that she asks about, "mommy, where is that tiny little piece of paper that I made into a bear, and named it Teddy?  i gave it to you along with the heart that i colored pink and put tiny dots on it..."  oh, i hope she does not have that great of a memory of some of those pieces....

she  will work for long periods of time on these papers.  cutting, coloring, shaping and shifting, folding, holding....oh, paper!  i find tiny little strips in random corners.  sometimes she reminds me of Edward Scissorhands.  she just keeps cutting, paper is flying, she doesn't give a care where the pieces land but, by golly, she thinks EVERY LAST PIECE is special!

i find little notes around the house.

Dear Mommy...


Dear Daddy...


these tiny little strips of paper should be so easy to throw away, but i find myself stopping my cleaning, stopping my scurried moment to read and reread those tiny little words on those tiny little sheets of paper.  my writer.

i have children that can write.  and read.  i say this in disbelief.  little writers.  little readers.  it's remarkable to me.  to watch them grow and change.  these tiny, 4 lb babies have come so far.

and to some, these tiny scraps are just that.  scraps.  scraps that could easily be tossed and never thought of again.  but for me, even if/when i do toss some little masterpiece away, i have a pang of guilt.  sadness.  how could i throw it away!?  deep inside of me though, i know that i can't keep all these things or you would see me, in 10 years, on Hoarders.

being a child of God, it makes me wonder how many times i've handed Him something.  some tiny strip of paper.  maybe it was a piece that i worked really hard on, maybe it was a piece that i picked up from the rubble of paper and handed it to Him as a "gift", hoping that it was enough to please Him for the moment.  how does He see these tiny pieces that i give Him?  i think it all depends on the giver, not necessarily the gift.

was it genuine?  did it matter to me?  was it something i intended for Him?  or did i give Him the leftovers?  because i know that He wouldn't want the leftovers.  but He would certainly take any tiny piece He could get, as long as it was meant for Him.  as long as the intentions were true and heartfelt.

lately, i feel as though i've given Him my tiny pieces that have fallen to the floor.  the leftovers.  i know it's not enough.  i know He wants more.  He wants my masterpieces.  He wants me to put some effort into these tiny "sheets of paper".  He certainly put some effort into me.  into us.  He thinks we are amazing masterpieces.  and we are.  it was easy for Him to "whip us up".  to create each one of us.  but He did it with such precision and love.  such sincerity and joy.  He whipped each one of us up with great intent.  great purpose.

am i serving that purpose?

i'm working on it.  i work on it all the time.  and sometimes i have to stop and be redirected on my purpose.  because i forget.  i get sidetracked.  i get a little lost.

and then i refocus.

and there He is.

my Purpose.

i will continue to wrestle with myself on whether or not to throw these tiny pieces of art away.  i hope that i will continue to find tiny little love letters strewn about the house.  one can never tire of tiny love letters from a child.  especially when it's your own.

however, i want to get better at my own "art".  i don't want to leave tiny little pieces for God.  I want to give Him my best.  my masterpieces.   i'll stumble along at times but i'll always get back on track.

and anyway, sometimes when we stumble, it makes it all the better for when He carries us through.

and rest assured, once we give our masterpieces to him.  once we hand ourselves over to Him.

and we are His.

we will be kept.

forever.