My Roots are Showing

i noticed a week ago that my roots are starting to show.  many of you know that i've gone from blonde to brown while living over here.  the change is good.  it's been fun to try new colors although i've come to like the dark color so much that i keep going darker.  the last time i went in to get my hair colored, i asked for black!  they stylist was all for it but insisted that i put in just a touch of my lighter hair so that i wouldn't freak out too much.  and thank goodness i put in some of that blonde because the black color was BLACK!

so now that my roots are beginning to come through, they are not the usual dark roots to my blonde highlights that i'm use to.  no, these are actually lighter roots!  my lighter hair is trying to come back in.  so, what's a girl to do?  i went today to get my roots covered.  darker.  again.  but i know, without a doubt, my roots will start to show in another 6 weeks or so.  it will drive me to the point that i will have to go back in and get them touched up.  the color change is fun but it's still a lot of maintenance.  no matter what i do to try and cover my roots, they always show back up.

i have other roots that are beginning to show as well.  the roots that are planted firmly in me that no one can see.  the roots that have grown deep down and are firmly planted deep within me.  just the other day, i was paying for pasta in a little noodle shop over in Notting Hill.  the lady asked, "will this be all?" and i, without thinking, replied, "yes ma'am".  by the look on her face, you would have thought that i said, "yep, that's it, GRANNY!"  she was disgusted and offended from what i could tell.

and there are the moments that i run into someone on the street, bumping their shoulder, and quickly say, "i'm so sorry, excuse me".

and then the occasional "y'all" comes out of my mouth.  that one is hard to cover up!

oops, my roots are showing.

it was yesterday day that i had a sense of homesickness.  it creeps in once in awhile.  not very often in this amazingly busy and fun city do i get a chance to feel true homesickness.  as a matter of fact, i haven't had homesickness like this since last year around this same time! but on this particular day, i felt it.  i sat alone in a great little restaurant and began to cry.  for no other reason than the fact that i missed home.  oh no, mistye, don't do it, your roots will show!  these city slickers can sniff out weakness and they'll come for you!  but, of course, no one noticed or said anything to me about the tears.  no one attacked.

there are things that i'm starting to realize just how much i love from home.  things that i think i took for granted, things that so many take for granted.  my roots.

you know, the definition of root is this:
Root. (noun) the part of a plant which attaches it to the ground or to a support, typically underground, conveying water and nourishment to the rest of the plant via numerous branches and fibers.

our roots are like that of a tree.  our roots keep us grounded just like the roots of the tree keep it grounded.  they give us nourishment. they keep us fed.  you can't usually see the roots, unless they come creeping out (and they sometimes do).  roots are strong, they run deep, they can be huge, they can be extremely tiny.  but they all play a really big part on what keeps that tree standing when the rains come down, when the harsh winds blow.  the roots keep the tree standing tall.  the roots allow the tree to look so strong.  all those little roots, they go unnoticed by everyone.  except the tree.  the tree, certainly, must "know" they are there.  the roots are what keep the tree ALIVE!

i realized that day as i sat looking out the restaurant window, feeling the homesickness, that my roots are firmly planted.  i began to think about the things i love back home.

i love sitting on my back screened-in porch when it rains.
i love the smell of that rain.
i love riding in a car with the windows rolled down.
i love riding around and looking at the tree foliage.
i love sweet tea...and i hardly ever drank it!
i love walking into a room and everyone knows one another.
i love little art festivals.
i love crickets....as long as they are outside...and i can't see them....and they don't jump on me.
i love having four distinct seasons...lasting around 3 months each...we get seasons over here but they all happen in one day.  it's a bit tricky to plan for each day.
i love being told to "have a blessed day".
i love going to church on a sunday morning and feeling the fullness in my heart.
i love watching the trees dance in my back yard.
i love being with family and friends in that back yard, eating BBQ and watching the kids run around.
i love hearing, yes, ma'am, fixin to, and y'all.
i love the smell of fresh cut grass.


there are so many things that i can't wait to go back home to. my roots.  heath and i are excited to start laying the foundation for our children so that, they too, can begin to grow their roots.  roots to plant them firmly in the ground.  because we all have roots, we all have a place where we started, a reason that we are who we are.  we all have these crazy, beautifully twisted roots that shape us and shift us into become the adults that we are now.  i'm excited to have my children grow theirs.

but then, they already are.  our children will have roots wherever they are, wherever we are.  our children are growing roots, knowing that the world is huge, people are people all over the world.  our children's roots are going to be far and wide, greatly exposed to all that God has created.

and then there are the spiritual roots that we have.  we are digging them deep.  they keep us fed, they keep us strong, keep us standing, keep us nourished.

i have been through a few rough winds and pretty strong storms but my roots are firmly planted.  the big ones and the little ones keep me standing tall.  my roots keep me ALIVE!

so if my roots tend to come out, i can't be embarrassed.  i don't have to rush to cover them up.  i have to be proud.  i may seem like a softy or a weakling on these city streets at times but i'm tough and i'm mighty.

i have my roots firmly planted.

This tree, in Hyde Park, grew right through the concrete ground.
There was no stopping this tree from growing!  The roots
pushed right through.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.  Psalm 1:3

Say My Name

echo has a new thing that she does.  heath and i noticed it a couple of days ago.  echo will come into the room where i am and say, "mommy?".  she says it in a way that makes me think she wants to ask me a question or tell me something important.  or maybe it's something very unimportant.  but the fact that she can now search the house for me, find me, and call my name is wonderful.  most of the time, after she says the word, she will just stand there, not saying anything.  like she just wanted to say my name to see if i'll answer.  other times she will pause for a bit and come closer to stand beside me.  it's the funniest thing.  it's so sweet.

last night, as we were cleaning the dishes after dinner, she came into the kitchen doorway and stood for a while, watching us, quietly.  and then she said, "mommy?".  to which i responded, "yes, honey?" without looking over my shoulder.  she quietly said, "more milk".  heath and i stopped everything and turned to her.  i grabbed her milk and handed it to her.  she asked for a need, a want.  and we could provide.  instant gratification for her!  we wanted to reward her!  we were thrilled that she could communicate so beautifully.

the toddler stage is amazing.  each day they learn and do something new.  i love being shocked by the new things that happen each day with a toddler.  some days are better than others, there is always that moment when the toddler learns to take off her diaper or play in the potty.  those are not my favorite surprises but the good outweighs the bad...  they are little sponges whose knowledge begins to ooze from inside them outward, without as much effort as when they were babies.  it's so amazing to me that this new found knowledge comes out of the child as if she's had this ability all along and is just now starting to let it come from within.

later that night, as we were going to bed, heath and i were talking about how cute echo had been to state her request.  i laughed because, of course she would pick up on how to best get my attention.  she hears the others all day long saying "mommy?, mommy?  mommy?"  she has been watching the bigger kids and understands that when there is a want or a need, you go to mom and she provides.  whether it be more milk, a snack, a hug, help with a toy, directions to a game, solution to a problem...you go to one of the tall, big people and they will help you out.

i went to bed with this on my mind.  all she had to do was come into the room and call my name.  she was not whining, she was not complaining.  she had a want.  a need.  and she has learned to call my name.  it makes my heart swell.  it makes me feel more connected to her.

and then it hit me.

all i have to do is call His name?  because i have to tell you, there are some nights that i'm so worn, so tired, so confused, so frustrated, so sad, so everything...so anything!...that it's all i CAN do to call His name.  i start my prayer, Dear Heavenly Father....

and there He is.  "Yes, honey?"

and He waits.  He waits to hear what my heart has to say.  what are my needs?  what are my wants?  i'm most certain that His heart swells when He hears my voice call to Him.  i'm certain that He feels my desire to be close to Him in that moment.  and i know it makes us more connected.

and just like echo, there may be a time, should be a time that i ask specifically for what i want or (think) that i need.  shocking.  He wants me to be specific.  so that He can provide.

will He give me my wants every time?  no.  and thank goodness.  thank goodness!  i've prayed for some pretty crazy stuff in my lifetime and if He'd honored those prayers, well, it's a good thing He's the one in charge.  but he does give me my needs.  and just like a parent to a child, He knows my needs better than i do.

and there are times that i just want to say His name.  to be close to Him.  i guess like echo does with me.  she just wants to say my name.  because she can now.  and she likes it.  it gets her closer to me.  it is a reminder that she is with me.

sometimes i just want to remind God that i'm with Him too.  even when i don't know exactly what to pray or what to say.  sometimes i just want Him to know that  i'm here.  i'm listening.  i want to be close to you.  my Heavenly Father.

i have been so blessed to have my kids.  they are a bunch of clowns, they drive me nuts and they make me age very quickly.  but i love them and they are a constant reminder to me of how God sees each one of us.  in my eyes, my children are beautiful, special and wonderful.  i want them to come to me.  i want them to ask me for things.  i want to see/hear their needs.  and i want to try and provide for them the best way that i can, the best way that i know.  i want to do what is best for each one of them.

that's what God wants from me and for me, as well.

all i have to do is call His name.

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13

Year 2. Let's Do This!

Here we are.  year 2 of our stay here in london.  year 2 of our time in st. nicholas preparatory school.  year 2 of a fun family adventure together.  to think how quickly the first year went by makes me scratch my head in wonder.  where did the time go?  how could it go so quickly?  and at this rate, if every year goes by so quickly, i need to hang on for dear life, because all those older mothers who said, "cherish each moment, it goes by in a blink..."  well, maybe they are right...

today was the first day of school for my big three.  reese and maddox started year 2 and zane started reception.  i can hardly type through my tears.  they seemed so big, so determined, so ready, so proud and so strong.  each one, in their own way, was ready to tackle this day full on.  maddox, with his words of wisdom as he helped his little brother put on his proper school clothes.  zane no longer in his gym kit uniform from last year, but rather his school uniform, "just like maddox's".  he could not wait to get it on.  and he was so ready to hear maddox teach him how to put each piece on.  reese, my sweet girl, more quiet and timid than the boys, steadied herself as she carefully put each piece of clothing on, just right.  she took great pride in telling me how she wanted her hair this morning.  she expressed her joy over having a teacher that she was excited to meet and get to know.  

Daddy and the gang.

Outside of our flat.

Zane wanted a funny picture.

So did Maddox.

Reese wanted a "good picture".
She didn't have any interest in
the boys' shenanigans today.

when we asked the kids who their teachers were, reese knew right away, maddox had to think for a bit, but remembered quickly and zane's simple reply was, "i have no idea".  (and clearly didn't care!)

Maddox, our courageous child,  was the first to volunteer to go to his class.
Here he is with his teacher, Ms. Edge.

Reese was the next to go.  She was excited to have a "tiny teacher".  
Ms. Garland is really small and Reese thinks it's so cute.  I'll have to
remind her that dynamite comes in small packages...

Zane was taken lastly to Ms. Jacqueline.  I've heard she is a
strong teacher and keeps the kids in line...is there any wonder
why Zane was placed in her room?

now that they are all in their classrooms and i've had time to go to the gym, give echo her lunch and put her down for a nap....it all seems so quiet.  if i thought i was about to lose my cool on the bus ride after dropping them off at school, i'm certainly losing it now.  i have to have time to breathe, to cry, to look at their pictures and to hear the stillness of this house.

i've had time.

i'll have more time.

much more time while they are away this year.  i'll have time to ride around the city, go see some museums, try new foods, read some books, see new sights, visit more landmarks, see more plays, cook better dinners....(okay, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves).  i've realized that this is year 2!  we said we'd be here for about 2 years and we are IN IT!  this is it.  i want to make the most of it.  i want to enjoy it.

here we go.

year 2.

let's do this.

First Day of school 2011.  Looking a little unsure.

First Day of School 2012.  Wow, what a
difference a year can make!

Guess who starts St. Nicholas in January 2013!?  Get ready!!!

Silence Has A Sound

i'd never really thought about whether or not silence made a sound.  i mean, seriously...it's a difficult thing to try to wrap your brain around.  silence making a sound?  that's just weird.

it was the first morning after we'd landed.  i'd woken up early and decided to go ahead and get up before everyone and have my first cup of coffee.  this is not normal for me at ALL!  i love my sleep and unless i'm getting up to go enjoy boot camp at 5:30 am, you better bet that i'm going to be in bed.  not to mention that my all-time favorite part of the day is when the kids come into my room and get into bed with me and we snuggle for the first part of our day.  one by one they trickle into my bed and we snuggle until i have all three.  then i get up and get echo and breakfast begins. and all the craziness begins as well.

but on this morning, i got up and got that coffee.  i quickly realized how QUIET the house was at that moment.  actually, heath and i had gotten in the bed the night before and been a little freaked out by the eerie silence.  where were the fire trucks?  where were the cars?  where were the porters talking on the phone at the front of our flat?  where were the dogs barking or babies crying on their way to the park?  where was the city noise?

the silence was deafening.

reverse culture shock.  we were right in the middle of it.

so, to wake up to more silence was a bit freaky.  i walked around rooms of the house, looking at things that i'd missed, pictures i'd not seen in quite a while, furniture i'd not sat in, walls i'd not touched.  it's silly, but i was a tad emotional.  how could i miss london and all of it's chaos and yet adore the beauty and luxury of living in a quiet, suburban town?  how could i miss all that noise?  how could i miss hearing the rubbish being picked up at 7 a.m. on a saturday morning....okay, i didn't miss THAT!

you know, i kinda felt like the bachelorette, being in love with two men at one time.  haha!  one is comfortable and safe, warm and kind.  the other is exciting and action packed, fun and wild.  how could i love such opposite things?  how could i love both?  (strange analogy, i know.)

i sat at my back window for quite a long time.  just thinking.  just listening to the silence.  and the silence seemed to have a sound.  a familiar, sweet sound.  one that i'd not heard in awhile.  it was calming.  soothing.  refreshing.  it was beautiful.  memories came flooding back of things that have already happened in this house.  we had not lived here long until we packed up and moved away.  i thought of all that we have to be thankful for here and there.  what we have to be thankful for in our silence as well as our noise.

i'd remembered buying this house only a couple of years ago for many reasons but one big reason was this window.  the view was spectacular and i wanted to wake up every morning to such happiness....

i'm not sure how long i'd been sitting there in the window, when i heard my early bird coming down the stairs.  the pitter patter of maddox's little feet was the break of my silence and i turned to him with a grin from ear to ear.  he quietly came over and sat by my side and began to look out the window with me.  we sat for a bit and then he asked, "what are you doing here, mommy".  i replied, "sitting here listening to the silence and waiting for you."

not long after that, reese came down.  normally she is a late sleeper but the jet lag forces us awake sooner than we'd like in the first few mornings back.  she came and sat down with us too.  and asked, "mommy, what are you doing?"  and i replied, "sitting here with maddox, just looking outside and waiting for you."

we started to talk about memories of this window, nothing as sentimental as what i'd been originally thinking.  no, they were asking, "do you remember when that bird hit the window and blood was on the window?"  "mommy, do you remember when that tiny bird (a humming bird) flew into the screen and daddy had to hammer it's beak out with that book."

yep, sentimental just flew out that window.....oh well.

by the time zane had come down to join us, we were all doubled over laughing about the funny memories that had happened right where we were sitting.  and here we were....making another memory!  this will be added to our list.  maybe not as memorable as the bloody bird or tiny beak but it will still be somewhere in our memory bank.

i've looked out that window each morning since we've been here.  it's a window that makes me so happy.  it's big and bright and beautiful in the mornings.  the window makes my coffee taste better.

i've not relished another silent morning since that morning.  i've not sat in the silence and listened to the stillness.  it's been the usual hustle and bustle from that day forward but i still look out my window and know that silence makes a really lovely sound.  a captivating and riveting sound that i can't quite put my finger on.

i love living in london.  i love the crazy, constant movement.  i love that the city is alive at every moment of every day.  i love it.

and i love my sweet, soft marietta.  i love the stillness.  i love the silence.  i love that families hunker down together in the evenings and sleep in silence.  i love that the town seems to be "on hold" for a few hours each night.  i love that it feels as though time stops.  i love it.

is it possible to be in love with both?  i believe so.  i'm in love with both.  do i know where my heart truly belongs and will eventually end up?  absolutely.  so when we return to the hustle and bustle of that big city and take in the sights and sounds all over again, i think i will appreciate it even more.

because i know that my silence waits here for me.  i know the sound of silence.  and i will relish it again in my return.

Find rest (wait in silence), O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  psalm 62:5

It Takes a Village

you know the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child"?  well, i'm starting to understand it a little better.  i'm starting to embrace it a little more.  here is the thing, i have a tendency to be controlling.  yep, control is good for me.  it makes me feel large and in charge.  i like to know where everything is in my home, i like to know what everyone is doing in my family.  i just have a need to be ever so slightly....in charge.  and most moms would agree that we truly feel that no one can raise our children like we can.  no one can run our household as well as we can.  no one can clean or put things away as well as we can.  not even close.  we, as moms, are the best.  right?

so, even though i know the common phrase, "it takes a villiage", deep down, i never truly believed it.  until recently.  

our lives have been turned over and over, left and right, upside down, backwards and forwards in the past year.  with three, already young children, we took on little echo and then moved out of the country.  and i, deep down, thought that we could do it on our own.  okay, i knew we would have the help of God.  that goes without saying.  but, other than that, i felt like we could manage it.  

but slowly i started to see my control leaving me.  we decided that it might be a good idea to hire a nanny while in london.  and we did.  back in the states, we had already asked some amazing people to live in our home and care for it while we are abroad.  and as picky as we are...these people are even picker!  they are neat-freaks at its finest!  but i soon realized that, not only was i no longer in control of it all, i wasn't in control of much of anything.  i actually felt very out of control.  

*insert freaked out mother here*

we came home to the states a few weeks ago, our family of 6, nanny with us, and "house guards" all under the same roof.  it's such a funny sight and sound to be in our home these days.  four young children tearing through the house, our australian nanny with her beautiful accent and our awesome columbian family speaking in spanish to one another.  i'm here to tell you, it's amazing to say the least.  and i have learned that THIS is our family right now.  this is what we do, this is how we live, this is what works for us right now.  

are things done exactly the way that i want?  no.  not always.  but then, sometimes they are done even better.

can i walk around in my underwear these days or leave a bathroom door open while nature calls?  nope.  but it's where we are in life right now.   

my children spent time with my parents last weekend while heath and i attended a fun event with friends in tennessee.  when i came to pick them up, they had a million stories to share about what they had done.  playing in a creek, reading bedtime stories and learning the game of chess with granddaddy.  stories about how grandma had dropped a ball, it rolled down the hill and into the road where a car ran over it.  the kids told me that it was okay though, "grandma said she didn't like that ball anymore, anyway."  they told me about my sister, cherish, coming over and bringing her boys so that they could spend the night all together at my parents' house.  oh my, i'm sure that house was full...and FUN!  the stories that they told me were hysterical.  they had the best time!  do i believe that things were handled the way that i would handle them?  nope.  even though i gave my mother strict, well-written directions on what to do with echo, do i believe that she followed them perfectly?  nope.  and i'm glad.  my children experienced something special with their grandparents and it's partly due to the fact that they were out of their routine.  they were experiencing something new and different.  

after picking the children up, we went straight to the beach to meet up with heath's parents for a week of fun.  usually when we go, it is constant madness, from the moment we wake up, get the kids fed, sunblock on, suits on, beach bags packed, kissed a few boos boos, put a couple (or all four in time-out) and kids out the door and to the beach or pool.  and it was still constant chaos.  but this time, this time...i had time to sit!  time to watch them play, time to talk to other adults, time to relax and breathe.  all i could think about as i watched the kids being thrown around by their pappy and hearing their grandmother laugh was, "wow, it takes a villiage to raise these kiddos.  look at how happy everyone is!"  not only did we have heath's parents but we'd taken along our nanny!  we actually had more adults than children for once!!!  it was a beautiful thing.  

did i have complete control?  nope.   

now ask me if i minded one tiny bit...  no way!

last year we took the kids to the beach and we barely brought back any pictures.  i think we managed to take 6 pictures and they were in our condo.  no beach pictures.  it was our tiny family of 6 and we had no time (or energy) for pictures.  i clearly remember last year trying to go to dinner with this "new" family (keep in mind, we'd only had echo for a month)  we tried to take them to the pool.  we tried to take them to the beach.  we tried but i remember once we finally got down to the beach or pool, someone had to go to the bathroom, one of them had fallen and skinned their knee, somebody needed a nap and had pooped their diaper, someone was whining and at least three wanted to be carried.  and let's not forget all the beach/pool paraphernalia that one must take when toting children.  chairs, balls, floats, towels, food, diapers, sippy cups...the list goes on.  multiplied by four.  i'm not sure how much fun heath and i had and i'm not even sure we were very successful.  we'd brought them all home alive so we felt like this was an achievement. 

i do remember telling my mom that i was exhausted from the so called vacation.  i needed a vacation to recover from the vacation.

this year, we took pictures.  we played at the beach AND pool for at least four hours each day, echo got her naps, we went to dinner and we ENJOYED.  it will certainly be a trip to remember.

you know, our family has been blessed in so many ways.  big and small.  we've had a chance of a lifetime to go and live in another country and see parts of the world that i'd only read about.  yes, we've been blessed.  but we've been blessed far beyond the travel, far beyond the trips, far beyond the fantastic adventure of it all.  we've been blessed with amazing people in our lives.  we have a family that loves us and is, not only there when we need them, but who genuinely want to be with us.  they truly love us.  and we've been blessed to have special people placed in our lives to help get us through this crazy time.  people who are willing to care for our children, care for our home and ultimately...care for us.

during our prayer last night, maddox wanted to "pray for our family".  he named our family members one by one and without missing a beat, included the names of our nanny as well as the names of the people living in our US home...

so, the fact that i open a drawer in my home and can't find a certain cutting knife or sippy cup is not such a big deal.  the realization that i may not be the one to kiss a boo boo or that i can't be there for every funny story is okay.  the moment when heath is caught in his boxers by one of the females living in our home...it's okay.  it's all good.  this is our life.  our crazy, adventurous life.  i can't do it all.  i was never intended to do it all.  i'm not in control and i'm still learning that maybe i don't want to be totally in control.  divide and conquer, right?  

it takes a village.

Beach Babe

These three loved the ocean this year!

Have Mercy!

i am home with the children for the week.  heath is traveling.  so, this weekend, i've been full on.  tonight at dinner, i was running around, meeting the needs of the children.  reaching left and right to hand them the things they needed to begin their meal.  keep in mind, our london kitchen is tiny.  it's the size of our kitchen island back in the states!  the 3 older children sit up in bar stools while echo sits at a little table in a little chair.  i stand and eat.  but, it's probably better that way because every time i try to sit, someone needs something anyway.

as we were finishing eating, maddox spilled a huge cup of milk and immediately starts to say how sorry he is.  maddox has the most sensitive heart of any child i know.  he felt terrible.  as i saw the mess of the milk go all over him, all over the table, the chairs, the cabinets, the walls...even a bit went on zane!  i'm telling you, this cup must have bounced fifty times before it finally landed on the floor.  i stood there speechless, defeated, worn to a tither from the day's events of playing, disciplining, birthday partying (yes, i'd taken them to an outdoor birthday party in the park, heaven help me), cooking, cleaning....cleaning, cooking.  so i stood there.  speechless.  i took one look at maddox and told him he needed to get into the shower.  i marched him back to the bathroom, put him in the shower and told him to wash his whole body and i would come back for him.

as i was leaving, i could here him say, "even my hair!  ahhh, man!"

in the back of my mind i knew this was a complete accident.  he was sorry immediately.  i knew this, and yet, i still could not speak.  i was oddly calm which i think freaked maddox out even more.  all i could think about was how i was going to clean up all that milk!  i had gotten to the kitchen when i heard maddox yell out that he was done.  i knew there was NO way he had washed his body, even if it is a tiny body!  i ran back and asked him if he washed his entire body.  "yes" was his timid reply.  i asked if he'd washed his hair.  "yes" was, yet again, a very weak reply.

he was fibbing.  i turned into a cyclone at that moment.  i think my head, torso and legs went in three directions as i told him, yelled rather, that there was no way he'd washed and i knew that he was not telling the truth!  he started crying and then told the truth.  he had only gotten his body wet.

shocking.

i marched, stomped, back up to the kitchen and began to clean the mess as he remained in the shower to clean up his own "mess".  after he was finished, i told him to come up and watch me clean the rest of the kitchen.  cruel and unusual?  maybe?  did it make an impression?  yep, i think so.

i'm thinking he'll probably hold that cup a little tighter and make sure he tells the truth next time.  it's just a hunch.  being a cyclone mom has it's advantages.

after the clean up, we hugged and talked about the situation.  i told him that i was only annoyed by the spilled milk but the lie made me angry.  very angry.  "i don't accept you telling me things that are not true.  i'm your mother.  please be honest with me."


he cried a little more, maybe just for dramatics, i'm not sure, gave me a huge hug...and asked if he could go play his DS...ugh.

later that night as i was praying with the children, i gave thanks to God for his kindness, love and mercy...after i was finished praying maddox asked "mommy, what is mercy?"  after stuttering over my words and floundering for a bit, i told him that it's being forgiven and getting mercy from God, that even when we do things wrong and make mistakes, God loves us and has mercy.  he forgives us and we don't have to suffer the consequences of the mistake.  he forgives us and washes it clean.  maddox's reply was, "well, mommy, can you have mercy on us next time we make mistakes?"

really?

did he just say that to me?

i had to stifle my laugh.  don't kids say the darnedest things?  just when we think we can't take anymore they come out with something fantastic like that.

maddox and i had a really good conversation further about forgiveness and mercy.  we talked about unconditional love and what that meant.  i'm not sure that he absorbed it all but i think a lot of it went in pretty clearly.

later i googled mercy and this is something that i found:

"Mercy is like a judge finding you guilty, but then withholding any punishment. Grace is getting something you could never have imagined. An inexplicable gift. It's like the same judge awarding you $10,000,000.00, after finding you guilty!"

wow, i'd been thankful for the mercy...but i forgot about the grace that he gives also.  not only do we not pay for our mistakes if we know Christ, but we get His grace as well....

it's a pretty good deal.  i can see why maddox asked for it.  he's a smart kid.

now i sit here thinking, after all that happened tonight.  all that we talked about, all that we cried about, all that was learned.  will he spill the milk again one day?  absolutely.  he'll spill milk a million more times...not always milk, but you get what i'm saying.  he will always do something wrong.  and there will be more times (cringe) that he will lie to me.  will it make me angry?  yep.  will i be upset?  of course.  will i still love him?  without a doubt.  there is nothing that can separate my love for him.  he's my child.

i believe that God feels the same for me.  i constantly make mistakes.  after my mistakes, unlike maddox, there have been times that i'm not quite sorry.  i knew it was wrong but i did it anyway.  and there are times, that not only do i not say i'm  sorry but i lie about it.  i don't go to Him with my mistake.  i try to cover it up from Him.  and He knows the truth.  He knows.  and after i come to Him and tell Him the truth, what does He do?

He has mercy.  He cleans up all that spilled milk. but on top of that, He gives me grace.  no matter how big the mess is.

he cleans the mess, hands me another cup of milk and, on top of that, an oreo cookie to dip into the milk.

why?

because i'm His child.  and nothing can separate His love for me.

thank God.  because my mistakes have been a lot bigger than a little bit of spilled milk.  i've hurt others much more than a few splashes of milk flying across their shirt.  and yet, God forgives, forgets, and moves on.

i am so glad that we, as humans, have the capacity to love, to forgive and to move on.  God made us in His image and i believe that is why we have the ability to do the things that we do, to feel the way that we feel.  because we have some of our Father in us.

now, the kids are all asleep.  i'm beat.  i think i'm going to go have a nice cold cup of milk.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8

Disappearing Act

you can disappear pretty easily in this city.  it's not difficult.  i do it almost every day.  i walk out my front door, say "hello" the porters outside of my flat,  i pass the starbucks baristas who wave to me and sometimes i pass a couple of familiar faces on their way to the gym.  if it's raining or a lucky day, i may pass my homeless friend, david.  but once i hit kensington high street and into that multicultural sea of faces, i'm just another speck on the street.  and i kinda like it.  actually, there are many days that i love it.  don't get me wrong, i certainly miss running into any number of friends and family at target back home in the states, or seeing a friend drive by in their SUV with their windows rolled down taking their children to one of many places around marietta.  i love all of that too.  but sometimes it's nice to disappear.  it's nice to be in the background. to be anonymous.

last week, i had a really good friend over with her children for a play date.  i don't do a lot of play dates because my children live their lives in a constant play date.  that's all they do, the four of them together.  they play all day with one another.  i cater to their needs of bathroom breaks/diaper changes, snack times, lunches, juices, organized playing and unorganized playing.  yes, it's a constant play date around here.  so when i do decide that we are going to actually have some friends over or go to their place, it's a big deal.  i know it will change as they get older and more independent but right now, it's a family event, i go over with them, i stay while they play, then we all go home together.  and sometimes, especially here, our play dates are a package deal...you invite one over and i might just have to bring all four!  so little play dates can easily turn into big parties!

i was excited about this play date for good reason.  not only do my children really enjoy the children coming over to play, but i adore the mother bringing them.  it was a time for us to hang out and chat as well.  i love a good chat with a good friend.  and best of all, we laugh.  i really love a good laugh so i was thrilled to have her over as well.

we've grown to be friends in the last year and i love the fact that i have a friend in this city.  she, too, is from the states and living here for a couple of years so we have that in common.  we have several things in common and we have several differences as well.  as much as i adore my friends who i have everything in common with, i can also appreciate a good friend who i don't have everything in common with.  one that can challenge me.  and can be challenged by me.  it helps me see myself more clearly and i really like that.

we've known of our differences for quite some time.  little things, the obvious, she's taller with fantastic long legs and i'm....less tall.  she's from the north, i'm from the south.  and then there are the less obvious, i believe in Christ, she does not.  we've had a couple of discussions over this and i'm always interested to hear her view of things.  on the afternoon that she brought her girls over to play, i tried to do more listening than talking.  goodness knows, i have a big mouth so i'm not sure how it all turned out from her view point but i wanted to hear her side of things.  i wanted to know her thoughts, her heart.  i wanted to know why someone who had grown up catholic all her life could turn from a Father who loves her more than she could ever know.  had there been an occurrence?  was it that she slowly left God or did she up and decide in one brief moment?

as it turns out, we have some different views on our faith.  different views on the bible, different views all the way around when it comes to spirituality.  this is a challenge for me because i'm not the most eloquent speaker.  i don't have verses from memory that i can quote.  and i'm not a history buff who can explain how the bible falls into our historic knowledge.  how the two, history and the bible actually DO coincide with one another.  and the idea of how science explains things vs. the bible.  oh, don't even get me started...even though i've learned how they also coincide with one another...i still can't interpret it back.  and i know several of my friends who can do any of these things, if not all of them.  how i wish i had that gift but i end up fumbling over my words, wracking my brain for the right verse to share or staring blankly when history or science is brought up.  it can be frustrating at times to know there are answers...and to not be able to give them.

these conversations have led me to do more thinking, more questioning of myself, my belief, my spirituality, my faith.  and all of this has helped to draw me even closer to God lately.  for that, i'm thankful to this dear friend.

one night last week, i was in the middle of my prayer and it hit me.  the feeling that i just wanted to disappear from all of this.  there is so much that i want to say.  i haven't explained myself well to her, i haven't explained God well enough to her, i haven't done this...i haven't done that...i haven't.....it's all too difficult.  it was in that moment i prayed to just disappear from the situation.  and then i realized that, yes, i need to disappear so that God can be be more clear.  i need to do less worrying and more trusting.  i need to be still.  be quiet.  so i can hear.  He will eventually answer in His own way.  and i truly believe that when God answers our calls...He answers big.  He answers mightily.

sometimes i get so caught up in what i'm doing, what i'm saying, how i'm doing it, when, where, why....that i don't trust that God is doing it all.  yet again i realize that i can't lead.  so why don't i just sit back and follow?  wouldn't that be easier, wouldn't that be more fun actually?  just follow God and stop taking control?  to keep my eyes set on Him?

this city is a big beautiful sea of faces.  i see them everywhere i go.  there are moments when i feel bigger than life, having a blast, enjoying each moment, experiencing each new and exciting event.  and there are moments when i feel so small, this world, this life is bigger than me.  so much bigger.  and i feel it especially here in london.  i feel small.  and then...there are moments when i feel as though i've done a disappearing act.  i've completely vanished from it all.  i'm not only one in a million, but i'm one in a zillion, one in a million-zillion...i'm too small to be noticed, too tiny to be seen.  it's reassuring to know that i may be super tiny in this great big world, but i am amazingly, inconceivably, outrageously important and big in my Father's eyes.  i am loved beyond measure.  i'm heard and i'm seen at all times by a loving Father who wants desperately for me to see Him.

there are a lot of reasons why i love to disappear in this city.  but i think my favorite is when i disappear and God appears.  it's in my smallest, tiniest, weakest moments that He can be huge.  so i think i'll stay tiny for a bit longer.  i'll continue to listen and follow.  i'll continue to love as unconditionally as my human heart can.  and i'll give it over daily so that God to be huge.


"When you were in trouble, you called, and I saved you.  I answered you with thunder".  
Psalm 8:17