You Don't Know

going home to the states was exciting for a lot of reasons.  one of the main reasons it's always great to go home is to see our loved ones.  friends a family cannot be replaced.  so when we arrived home, i had the list in my head of who i wanted and needed to see.  the list was LONG but i was determined to do my best.

one of these special friends happens to be my Eyebrow Lady.  i know her actual name but have great fun in calling her Eyebrow Lady.   i even told her one day that i call her this and she thought it was hysterical.  i saw her every three weeks for almost 6 years to do a little maintenance on my brows.  we met, for the first time, when my husband bought my mom and i a facial from her after my twins were born in 2006.  not only did i enjoy going to her because of the miracles she performed on my face but because of our conversations. she was such a deep and honest thinker.  her heart was always interested in others.  she had a lot of questions.  and had a lot of answers.  we would have great conversations about worldly issues, religion, people, finances, places, friends, children and so much more.  i considered her a friend.

a few years ago, when i came in, she asked me some questions about my faith and wanted to hear what i had to say.  it was one of the first times that i was more calm in my response.  for me, talking out loud about my faith, makes me jittery,  nervous,  sometimes embarrassed, when it is with someone that i feel as though i'm trying to justify it to.  i'm not good at memorizing scripture, i'm not eloquent with my words, i'm just a regular old mama who believes utterly and faithfully in something that i cannot explain or justify.

her mother, who lived in kazakhstan, had recently passed away and she was having a difficult time with it.  she wanted to see her again.  she wanted to know the true meaning of life. she didn't want her mother's life to just be what it was, a life.  here and then gone.  it seemed too painful for her.  too simple.  there had to be more.

as she worked on my eyebrows, i explained to her what i believed to be true about Christ and how it is that we get to Heaven.  it wasn't a flowery explanation, i didn't have cool words to woo her or anything of that sort.  she was skeptical and told me that she did not believe the same way but thought that there might be a higher power of some sort.  she seemed to be chewing on what i'd said but i could also tell she may have thought that i was off my rocker.  a little crazy in the head.  haaha  (okay, i'll take that)

after that conversation with her, i started to feel a pull toward her.  i would pray for her daily, regularly.  actually, she was the reason why i began to pray even more.  she was on my mind often.  when i sat in church, i would think of her.  months went by and we would have other small conversations about prayer or spiritual "well-being".  she was always trying to know more mainly because she loved to hear her clients talk.  she has a great listening ear!

after even more months went by, i gathered up the courage to send her a card, letting her know that i adored our friendship and that i was praying for her.  later, i felt the need (really it felt like more of a calling) to give her a book about my faith, "how good is good enough" by andy stanley.  and then there was a sermon that i attended that i felt so much of a pull for her that i bought the CD, as we were leaving, to give to her.  i kept that CD in my car for a month or more!  i listened to it endlessly.  over and over.  i desperately wanted to give it to her but i was so afraid.  i knew it would answer some of her questions about life but i was scared that i was coming on too strong.  and pushy people drive me nuts.  i did not want to be a pushy person.  and yet, i felt a nudge...asking me to be "persistent".  as last summer approached, i decided to drop by her business and give her the CD with a card.  i told her that it was a sermon and may sound a little crazy to her but i'd had it in my car for her for a couple of months and it was burning a whole in my glove box so i needed to hand it over!  she laughed and took it from me.

the next time i saw her, she told me she had listened to the CD and enjoyed it.  she still did not believe the same as i did but she enjoyed the sermon very much.  (okay, i'll take that)

summer was ending and we began to pack for London.  i teared up a little when i left my Eyebrow Lady.  i told her how special she was to me and that i viewed her as a friend, not just my Eyebrow Lady.  we hugged and she said that we had a connection that very few people have.  we agreed that our souls were much the same.  our souls just "jived".

we moved in August.

four weeks ago, back in the states for a visit, i decided i would call my Eyebrow Lady.  i had saved up my brows just for her.  they were nice and bushy!  i would be renewing my vows with heath and i wanted them looking their best.  i couldn't wait to see her, to tell her about London, to tell her about renewing my vows, to ask her about her daughters, to ask her how her dad in kazakhstan was doing.  she had been planning a visit to see him in September and was super excited so i wanted to know how it went and how he was doing after his wife's death.

i called to make my appointment and the receptionist answered the phone.  it was a familiar voice and she asked where i'd been.  i told her we lived out of the country now but that we were visiting and i wanted to see if my girl was available for an eyebrow wax on friday.

the receptionist paused...."oh.....you don't know, do you?"

know?  no.  i don't know.  know what?


she continued to pause for a really long time.  so long, in fact, that i had time to think of things that could be going on.

-she left the job?
-she was fired?
-she moved back to kazakhstan?
-she was in a car accident?


the receptionist said, "mistye, valentin was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September. it was already stage four.  she passed away in November."

no....please, God, no.  i needed more time with her!  i wasn't there for her.  she was a dear friend.  i didn't get to say goodbye.


the receptionist stayed on the phone with me for quite some time.  Eyebrow Lady had wanted to not tell her clients the truth.  she wanted her coworkers to tell us that she'd moved back to Kazakhstan and would not return.  she did not want us to know that she was dying.  fortunately, her coworkers talked her into telling everyone the truth.  when she passed, she left behind her ailing father, her doting husband and her two beautiful young-adult daughters.

i'm still in shock and disbelief over her death.  i'm still saddened by it to no end.  i have no answers for why her life was taken so young or so quickly.  but i do know why i felt such a pull to talk to her about Christ, to share my faith.  i now know why there was such a pull, such a draw to her, especially in the end.  i know why i could not get her off my mind and my heart.  i know that i was put in her life for a reason.  and she was in mine for a reason.  she is a good lesson to me to follow my Lord when i feel Him say "hurry".  "don't wait until tomorrow, tell her today".  "don't be embarrassed, just say it from your heart".


it's taken me a while to register the news.  to think about the what-ifs. what if i'd been more vocal about my faith?  what if i'd been more pushy?  what if i'd sat down with her and helped her to understand, to believe?  to have faith?  why not ask her to give it a chance?  open her mind her to the possibilities?

i once heard from andy stanley, in a sermon to non-believers, "in accepting Christ as your savior, you have everything to gain.  in not accepting Christ, you have everything to lose.  so why not believe in the possibility,  why not choose to believe?".

my lesson from this is that i want to talk to my friends who don't know Christ's love.  i don't want to be pushy.  i want to be persistent.  because you don't know.  you don't know what kind of difference you can make in someone else's life.  you don't know how your actions can change someone's views, beliefs, outlook.  you just don't know.

i understand that i was not the only Christian in Valentin's life.  she had some really great girlfriends that she spoke of who also believed and wanted her to open up to the possibility as well.  i can only hope that i did a small part in rattling her heart as well.  who knows.

i like to think that i'll have an answer to this one day when i go to Heaven.  i hope to see her there.  i hope to hear the story of how she accepted Christ as her Savior.  i want her to show me around Heaven.  maybe she can do my eyebrows!

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

All Dressed Up and No Place To Go

monday morning marked a big day back to school.  the children had been on holiday for three weeks.  we'd flown back from the states only a couple of days prior and were still battling jet lag.  i'd taken the extra time to lay out their clothes and things the night before as i always do to try and make the morning go as smoothly as possible.  i try to be prepared for anything that could possible make us late.  not because i'm such a good mom.  quite the opposite.  if i'm not totally organized, i'm totally UNorganized.  

the morning started out with little zane at my bedside.  at 4:59 am.  i could hear him saying, "mommy, i have something to tell you!"

then he waited.

and i waited.

i was hoping, praying really, that he would go away.

just go away you tiny little intruder.  i'm sleeping.  i can't even see straight right now.  it is not time to get UP!


so...i ignored him.

but zane is not easily ignored.  so he came over, got in my face and said, "MOMMY, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!"

after tilting my face up off the pillow and mumbling a bit i asked, "what zane, what do you want to tell me?"


"well, i just want to tell you that i don't think i'm weewy that sweeeepy anymore".

oh no he didn't.....

zane did end up going back to bed.  and he did fall back asleep.  i did not.

so after laying in bed for a while longer, i got up and got our day going.  it was the first day back.  i was such a sight.  hair all a mess, bags under my eyes, and sweatpants.  yes, it was going to be a sweatpants kind of morning.  i couldn't managed to fix coffee for myself.  i wanted to make sure everyone was up, ready and out the door.

first day back!  we have to be on time.  i need to be prepared for their jet lag leftovers.  for tears.  for ANYTHING that could make us late.


but once the children woke up, it was relatively easy.  just a regular old morning.  they were all tired but in really good moods.  echo was so tired that she was super quiet and just sat in her chair up under all her black hair and ate peacefully.  (score!)

we got out the door in record time.  truly.  it's like we were floating to the bus.  it was so nice.  we managed to catch the bus after only waiting 2-3 minutes.  there were PLENTY of seats on the bus.  we all flew to back and sat down.  and then i began to realized things....

where is zane's lunch box?
oops, we didn't bring their math workbooks back.
oops, we didn't  complete, or even BEGIN, their easter diaries.
oops, reese has on GREEN nail polish.  (she'd been told not to wear nail polish after the head master saw her with light pink a couple of months ago.)

you would think these things might get me down, but no.  i was still in good spirits, telling the children not to worry about any homework that may or may not be due (i mean, maybe it was meant for fun, right?).  and i told zane that mommy would be back in an hour with his lunch.  just enjoy the bus ride and let's get to school, people.

once we got off the bus and walked the rest of the way to school and rounded the corner, things seemed a little quiet.  i immediately began to wonder the impossible.  could school be closed today?  could we be late?  suddenly maddox, my ever so observant son asks, "mommy, are we late or something".  we continue to walk and as we near the school doors, it is becoming more clear that we are either really early, really late.  or there is no school.

i check my watch.  8:41 am.  children are allowed to begin walking in from 8:00-9:00 am.  okay, we are not late.  we get to the door and all four stand there for a moment in complete silence.  but i can't except the truth.  this can't be happening.  so i tell them, "we're going in".  we pushed open the door, good sign that the door opened.

and then i see a mom of a child who's in zane's room.  she is paying a bill at the front desk and starts to laugh.  she asks me if i got all the kids dressed for school today (laughing) because (laughing) there is no school today.  school is closed.  school starts back tomorrow.  we have an extra day.

we have an extra day.

an extra day.

well, that would have been nice, huh?


so, what else could we do, we got back on the bus, and rode home.

and picked up coffee.

a venti latte.

we made it in the door and kids stripped of their clothes and got down into their underwear and began to run around.  who cares if we were all dressed up with no place to go.  i was still in my sweatpants and no bra, so why not let the kids get practically naked.

and i can honestly say, i LOVED my "extra" day with those children.  i loved it.  we were all giddy when we returned home (i was sucking down a venti coffee, after-all!).  we were all just thrilled to have another day together.  another day to play.  another day of freedom.  an extra day.

one day, i will look back on this day and feel so blessed to have had that day.

i already do.

This Little Light of Mine

Last year on april 2, we celebrated a birthday for echo.  our little family of 5 had a tiny celebration for a little daughter and sister who was turning one on that paticular day.  originally, i'd thought that we would have a big party for her, with decorations, gifts and maybe even invite over her grandparents.  but as the date closed in, i realized that celebrating would be very difficult without her.  and so we, i,  chose to make it simple.  so simple, in fact, that we celebrated by letting each of her siblings have a cupcake with a candle to blow out.  we sang happy birthday.  it seemed a little hollow, now that i think about it.  no feeling, no light.  little happiness.  but there was anticipation and hope, no doubt, for the daughter and sister that we would soon be able to bring home.

celebrating without echo last year, April 2, 2011

this year, we celebrated for echo.  with echo!  on april 2, echo turned 2 years old.  and since she'd not celebrated the year before, we went with the whole "first birthday" type feeling.  we partied in my parents' backyard, with food, gifts, family, cake...yes, she even had her smash cake that so many first birthday babies get.  i just knew she would tear into it.  but, of course, like all 3 of our other children, she picked at it, unsure if this was really a safe or smart thing to do, after all, mommy never lets us DIG in our food!  she didn't really get it.  or like it.  and after she put a tiny finger or two in the cake, she looked at me and said, "wet wipe?".







just seeing and thinking about how far this little one has come is mind boggling.  we've not even had her a year!  i'm amazed at the changes in her physically, mentally, socially....it really is amazing.  and there are times that i'm amazed at my own changes for all the same reasons.  she has taught me a new kind of unconditional love.  we still have a long way to go but each day gets us closer.  it's still a lot of work.  but what 2 year old is NOT a lot of work?  i look at this little girl, our daughter, and see so much in her.  i see so many birthdays, vacations, holidays, arguments (well, she is a girl!) giggles, accomplishments, celebrations...i see it all with her.

look at this party crew!

echo with grandma and granddaddy williamson

yes, i see it all and more.  our full family.  our family of 6.  there is never a dull moment.  we are constantly moving, constantly going, constantly doing.  but constant is good these days.  constant is really good...

happy birthday, baby echo.  you gave us another light in our lives, little girl.