this morning was one of those whirlwind mornings. i had uniforms out for all the children, lined neatly and ready for them to put on. reese and maddox have to wear their swimsuits under their uniform on tuesdays because they go to swim soon after arriving to school. zane needed his track suit packed as he would have gym later in the day. goggles, swim cap, towels...you get where i'm going with this. there was a full on line-up of what all we had to take. as the kids were dressing, i told reese and maddox to be sure to run back and get clean underwear to take to school since they would have on swimsuits while going to school. and then i packed zane some grapes to share with his class (a fruit sharing tradition that the young children do every week). it was certainly a whirlwind.
and little echo, of course, had to sit on her potty before we left.
i managed to get everyone on the bus and we were off to start our day. i was feeling pretty good about how things had gone, although chaotic, the children were smiling, we were happy, life was good. i had not yelled all morning. teeth had been brushed...well maybe not mine, but everyone else was very presentable. yep, i was feeling good!
and then maddox, who was sitting at the back of the bus, yells up to me (standing in the middle of the bus). "oh no, mommy, we forgot our underwear!!!" (insert red faced mom here). a few people turned to me and stifled a laugh. even i had to try not to laugh. i tried to remain calm, after all, this was not the worst thing that could have happened! i shouted back to him, "it's okay, you can just go free today, it'll be fun, you'll like it!" and this really got some laughing. who knew we would be entertainment for the bus riders on this paticular morning.
maddox looked down and came back with, "did reese forget hers too?" reese shot him a dirty look and told him to be quiet. she was mad now. i simply said that yes, all underwear has been forgotten and it will be fine, not to worry.
but maddox was worried. i could tell. he did not like the idea of no underwear. and to make matters worse, he's always complaining about the scratchy paints. he hates them. i just knew that he'd already put two and two together of what it would be like commando....and those scratchy pants. God bless him.
maddox's eyes became more and more red and teary as we neared school. he asked me a few times if we could turn around and go back. i let him know that we could not because it would make them late for school. he asked if i would go back and get the underwear and bring them back before swim. i told him no. i thought he would be fine.
i told both of the kids that this was a good lesson. when i tell them to do something in the mornings, it needs to be done. i'd had a lot to get done and i'd asked them to do the one thing and they did not do it.
reese, the whole time, was silent.
as we entered the school, reese and maddox were about to go up the stairs and maddox quietly, slowly began to walk up. and then he turned to me, threw his hands up and said, "i just can't do this. i can't do it!"
i tried not to laugh and asked him to come back down and talk to me. he came right into my arms and put his head in my neck and cried. i was afraid that he dreaded some kind of laughter from other boys but i wanted to hear it from him. when i asked him why he was so upset, he told me, "i won't be comfortable."
comfort. my little maddox is the KING of comfort. of course. comfort.
after giving a great sigh and a shake of my head, i told maddox i would try my best to get back to the flat and bring him back some underwear. but i wasn't sure i could make it in time.
thrilled at this, he ran, flew up the stairs, thanking me and yelled down with complete seriousness, "take a taxi mom! it will be much quicker!!!"
so echo and i headed back for the underwear.....
on the bus ride home, i couldn't help but wonder if this is how i sometimes sound. like the sad little kid who is not "comfortable".
there has been something lurking in my mind since we adopted echo a little over a year ago. am i the right mom for this job? i thought i could handle this. but this is more than i thought.
is it any wonder that more than one-third of Americans have seriously considered adopting, but no more than 2 percent have followed through?
why?
because it's not easy.
there, i said it. it's not easy.
it's not "comfortable".
i was on the phone with heath last night asking him why had God called me to do this? what made Him think i could do this? echo is stubborn, bull headed, demanding and rejecting at times. the mean and mad looks she can project from her eyes is piercing. fighting her food battles is exhausting. tending to her demands is draining. i don't know what to do for her in some moments. i don't know what i CAN do! i don't know if i have the patience for it. we have four children, not one. not just echo. she can't demand so much out of me. and the part that throws me for a loop, almost makes me angry, is that i don't think God did this for echo only. He has a plan for us too. He is teaching me every day something new about myself. and they are not always pretty things.
i'm not comfortable, Lord.
why didn't You tell me it would be so hard?
i can't do this. i just can't do it..
you all know, by now, that echo is potty training. she's had accidents each day, of course, as any learner would. and she does NOT like to be left for too long in her wet underwear. she walks towards me bowlegged and a big frown on her face. it's uncomfortable, right? but i let her stay in it for a little while, not too long, but to give her an idea that this is not the result she wants. the result she wants is the dry underwear. comfort.
i'm no different than a toddler or a 6 year old. i like comfort. i strive for it. we all do. but sometimes if we are left to be uncomfortable for a bit, we truly begin to understand what we want for the end result to be. if we are strong enough to look beyond ourselves, and focus on that end result, we can push ourselves, pull ourselves to achieve that result.
and certainly, many of you reading this, have far bigger issues than i do! you scoff at me right now and maybe even want to punch the computer. because you TRULY know difficult. you TRULY know discomfort. even i may look back on this blog and be upset with myself for feeling as though THIS was my discomfort in 2012. and i'm certain that when my children all become teenagers, i'm going to still be blogging about my comfort level! but for now, for now, i have that question that keeps coming to my mind.
why? we were so comfortable, Lord. You knew we were going to a city, and that strollers, diapers, nannies, extra care, extra help, extra, extra, extra would all be needed. You knew her hidden issues. You knew my hidden issues. You knew. You knew we would move. You knew my friends, my family, my church and my support would be gone. and yet, You urged me to move forward with the adoption. You urged me to move quickly toward her. and we did. we followed. we obeyed. and now it's hard.
please don't get me wrong. echo is no mistake. she was never a mistake. i have no doubt she is meant to be with us. my faith gives me the certainty that she is right where she is meant to be. but i'm not comfortable...yet.
mothering an adopted child is not easy. God didn't ask us to take echo because it would be easy. maybe just the opposite. who knows. because i can say that echo certainly draws me closer to God each day...
why me? why us?
why not?
is my discomfort such a bad thing? after all, i said it brought me closer to God. i mean, my tiny little discomfort is nothing compared to Job. no where near that of Jesus. my discomfort is a drop in the bucket by comparison. but God doesn't compare. He has compassion. and just as i'm working to deal with echo, He is working to deal with me. just as i've adopted echo, He adopted me. just as echo fights me, i fight Him. when will i ever learn?
so, for now, and for this year, just like the year before, i have to call upon my Father.
teach me how You love.
teach me how You see.
teach me how You touch.
teach me how You move.
teach me how.
oh, and Lord, could You take a taxi? it'll be much quicker!
