Monday, October 17, 2011

Friday Favorites

Fridays have never been better than they are here in london.  it's one of our favorite days.  it's the beginning of the weekend which is obvious.  but it's also a fun-filled day for us as a family.  heath sleeps in just a tiny bit later so that he can help me take the kids to school.  we all love this.  the kids are super stoked that they get to show off their daddy to all their friends and their teachers.  and i'm even more super stoked that i have an extra set of hands to help me get the kids on and off the double decker bus and crossing the busy streets.  not to mention that i get, at least, an extra half-hour to see him that morning.  yes, it's the start to a great day!

once the kids are in school, echo and i kiss daddy goodbye and take a leisurely walk back home.  we don't rush, we don't fuss, we just walk home in the cool, crisp london air.  cars are rushing by, buses are blowing past, dogs are being walked, children are walking to school...it is pure  entertainment.  echo and i stop off to grab a cup of coffee and a breakfast treat that we share once we get home.  the treat, not the coffee, that is.  we lay around and play around.  we put on shoes and go to the park or go to a little music class at our local library.  it's simple and it's fun.  it's easy.  it's almost relaxing.  the big city is buzzing all around and we're just in the background of it all, doing our thing.  doing pretty much nothing.

echo goes down for a short nap on fridays and we pick up the kids early at 2:45.  early release every friday, gotta love it.  i have made it a routine to "surprise" the kids with their scooters every friday afternoon.  and they always yell and scream for joy when we get out of the school and they see their scooters.  they KNOW what it means.  they get to RIDE home from school!  but before we do, we've made it part of our routine to stop off at a little club house, grab a snack (or eat one that i've packed) and go to a little local playground.  it's a really small playground that is gated and everyone inside the gates are mothers and their children from our school.  reese, maddox and zane quickly find their friends and run off to go play.  what amazes me, is echo runs right after them and begins to play too.  no hesitation.  no reservation.  just goes.  full speed ahead.  and she doesn't look back.  

my oldest three have always been really good about the "mommy check-in".  they run, they play, they do their thing.  but they always run over to me after a few minutes as if to check-in.  to say hello.  to tattle on the other one.  something.  some reason that they need to come over to me.  echo never even looks over my way.  it's funny.  such a independent little thing.

one day during this play time, i told one of the mothers that echo was SO independent.  i was both happy and sad about this.  she is independent to the point that she acts as though she doesn't need me.  or want me.  at times.  i am both impressed and confused by the way that echo does what she does.  her strength.  her bravery.  it's like nothing i've ever seen.  the mother and i were on to another conversation when, out of no where, the mother said, "hey, mistye"....and when i looked up.  i saw echo coming our way.  she was looking right at me.  all she did was come over, lay her head on my lap, then crawled up to sit by me for a split second, literally up, then down...and she was off to go play again.  my "check-in".  she'd done it.  she'd needed the reassurance that i was still waiting, still watching.  she was assured, and away she went.  i love my fridays.





after the kids have played for about an hour (or more) we scooter home.  they love it.  we always come home with scrapped knees, runny noses, dirty clothes, muddy hands and shoes, and at least two really whiney children.  we are all usually exhausted beyond belief.  we clean up, rest and wait for daddy to come home and go out for dinner.  and a lot of times after a really great dinner....comes some really great ice cream!  a really fun way to end a great day.

these fridays will be the memories that i will look back on in 2, 5, 10 years and DREAM of getting to do them again.  i will relive them in my head a million times.  having four young children, a busy life, living in a big city and getting to experience this together with heath.  these fridays teach me to relish my time here.  to enjoy the simplicity of what is offered.  there are so many things to do and see and go.  but i'll remember most these favorite fridays.  









These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there’s only future
There’s only here, there’s only now

Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence
The fires of spring are kindling bright
Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory
Crying freedom in the night

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one magician
Turned the water into wine

These are days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I’m holding you oh, so tight

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned water into wine

These are the days now that we must savour
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart.   -Van Morrison

Sunday, October 2, 2011

No no, Echo, no no!


NO echo! it's the most common phrase we hear around this house these days. someone is constantly telling this poor child "no"! and i'm the first to admit that i say it a lot. "no, no, echo, don't touch mommy's make-up. no, no. don't throw your food. no, no, no whining. no hitting. no tantrums. no, no, echo." she is right at that age, 18 months, where she can't use words and it is beyond frustrating for us all. she wants something, feels the need to do something and yet...she can't get the words out. and what makes me want to climb the wall is when she does something that she KNOWS is a no, looks up with those huge almond brown eyes....and shakes her head no. and then does it again. all of my children have gone through this stage and age. they all have. i will say, that echo has made me the craziest. why? didn't i know this was coming? she is from an orphanage for heaven's sake! she was there only four months ago! seriously. what was i thinking!? did i think that she was going to have the best behavior of all my four?

i knew going into this adoption that our dynamics would change. i knew that zane would become a big brother, reese and maddox would be the REALLY big kids and heath and i, well, we'd have four kids and not three. dynamics. i knew they would change. i knew that things would also change once we moved out of the country, sweet USA, and into the big city of London. i knew things would change. but did i? did i really know that things would change so much? and the fact that i felt the changes, what is echo feeling? within about 2 months, she went from china, to america, to the united kingdom. that's enough to freak anyone out, much less a little baby orphan girl. (no longer an orphan, however....no longer an orphan).

my days, when the kids are all home, consist of a lot of tears, a lot of yelling, refereeing, putting some in corners, trying to read with others, listening to three talk AT me at once. am i the only mom whose children talk AT her? i can't be. there have to be other moms whose children talk AT them instead of TO them. my children just start talking. they don't even know if i'm listening. they just talk. all of them. the same time. some moments, i forget what my own voice sounds like in my head because all i hear is 4 kids coming at me with words that i don't understand. heath even said at dinner the other night, "no one say mommy again for the rest of dinner, if you need anything, say "daddy"". IMMEDIATELY after he said that, i heard reese's tiny voice...."daddy".....they just don't stop. i'm exhausted thinking about it.

even bed time has gotten out of whack. and if you know me, you know, you know, when it's bed time....it is. bed. time. we have had effortless nights for years because of this. and we still do, but there is a baby...a sweet and crazy little baby, that you can hear some nights when we put her down. and she is crying. crying for what, we don't know. and when either of us go in to check on her, we get that numb look from her, "what are you doing in here, why are you looking at me". heath has actually gotten to her a little bit. he's good at rubbing her belly and gently talking to her. she is quiet after that some nights. she wakes at night crying out, she wakes in the morning, crying. i don't get it. teething? adjusting? sick? scared? lonely? confused? what is it? when will it stop? is this the same little girl that we marveled over how much she was like our others?  bed time beauty (for the most part). she was effortless. almost perfect in our eyes. her sleeping habits were spot on...not any more.


and i won't even go into how this has affected Zane and his night time potty issues. oh my! i don't understand what happened to this little guy that was doing so well at night and staying dry. i've cleaned more of his sheets in the last 6 weeks. wee hours of the night. some days i feel as though i've gone back to the days of when my twins were infants. the lack of sleep made me crazy!...okay, maybe it's not that bad these days after all. the twin infancy days put this to shame.

i have to be honest, there are still more days than not, that i wonder if i'm really cut out for this. what was i thinking? four kids? some of you reading this may have 5 children, 7 children. you may even be a Dugger family member and think that i'm pathetic. who knows. but it's all relative. and we handle things differently. i love cleanliness, i love order. i love the cleanliness and order so that i can be dirty and disorderly. but on my own terms! when there are four small children, everything is on their terms. do i sound whiney yet?



there are moments when i want to look up and say, "Hey God, remember me? i'm still here, living this life. and it feels a little out of control, where are You in all of this?" thankfully, even when i have those painful thoughts and feelings, i know He is there. i feel a million miles away from Him some days. and although i'm embarrassed to admit it, i feel the need to admit that i feel lost some days. lately, most days. i don't know what God is going to do with all of this chaos, how He is going to make it beautiful, or what purpose it will serve. i'm convinced that it will be all of these things.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



but right now, i feel like a fish out of water, a girl in a big city, a child learning a lesson. while i'm constantly telling echo "no", am i listening enough to hear if and when God tells me "no"?   or am i too busy being Queen Mommy to stop and hear what's really being said? i'm not sure.

i guess what i haven't yet realized and i'm just now realizing, is that she finally feels comfortable with us. maybe that's it. and then, maybe there is no explanation. maybe she is simply a toddler and i need to get over it and go with the flow.