Sunday, December 23, 2012

Nap Time



toddlers are some of the luckiest little people in the world.  think about it, they have someone to feed them, clothe them, kiss their boos boos and answer to their every need.  one of the best things about being a toddler is that someone puts you down for a nap each day.  can you imagine?  toddlers get to be taken to a cool, dark, quiet room, tucked into bed and left alone for a couple of hours each day.

let’s just take a moment to envision the luxury of that....

a couple of days ago, heath had taken the kids to lunch while i went to the gym.  when i picked up the kids, i then took them for haircuts.  echo was WELL past her nap time.  normally she goes down at noon.  on this day, it was a little past 2:00.  as we came into the house and took off our shoes, i let her know her fate.  “echo, it’s time for you to go night-night.”  to which she replied, “no”.

hmm, i can see where this is going....

i knew she was tired and past all reasoning, so my better judgement told me to keep quiet and calmly lead her to her room.  however, echo, like many toddlers, is a bright little girl.  as we approached the stairs, she began to contort her body into all sorts of ways, whining and crying.  she knew these stairs led straight up to her bed and that was NOT what she wanted.  we climbed the stairs for what seemed like 45 minutes.  listening to her whining was like...well, it was like listening to a toddler whine and cry.  annoying is a very nice way to put it.  the sound made me want to contort my own body and begin to cry just the same.

once we made it up to her room, she refused to pee in the potty.  my mother put it best when she said, “you can lead a horse to water....”.  because you can sit the toddler on the potty but you can’t make her pee.  finally, i got echo into her bed and snuggled her in.  i placed all of her animals, blanket, and lovie in her arms.  before i could unleash my inner dragon on her, i turned and walked out the door, leaving her to cry out her final rebuttals.

when i’d gotten down the stairs and into the kitchen to check her monitor.  she was out.  dead asleep.  it took her less than 2 minutes to fall into complete and utter silence.  sleeping peacefully without a care in the world.

really?  all that ridiculousness and she passed out THAT quickly?!

yesterday, heath took the afternoon off.  he’s been traveling and working like crazy for the last month and a half.  (well, longer than that but the last several weeks have been brutal!)  it’s been nonstop for him.  he's been waking early in the mornings to get in extra hours and staying up later to put in the final bits and pieces.  if he’s not working, he’s thinking about working.  if he’s not thinking about working, then he’s dreaming about it.  so it was no surprise to me that when he had an afternoon off (after running several errands and odd jobs that had to be done) he came in and laid on the couch.  we had a nice fire going, the kids were watching a movie.  it was set up perfectly for a man to come in, lay down his weary head,

and take a nap.

and that’s just what he did.  he got horizontal, closed his eyes and let it all go.  i bet he was asleep in less than 2 minutes.

i had to laugh to myself at how men and toddlers are so much alike.  but then i realized how much we are all like toddlers.  we fight rest.  we fight down time.  we feel that we have to get it all in, get it all done.  and seriously, who has time for rest during this time of the year!?  right?  there is shopping to be done, gifts to be wrapped, family to visit, food to cook, dishes to clean, Christmas cards to make/write/lick/stamp/address/send.  the list is endless.  and when any or all of those things are done, there is always something to be added.  something more to be done.

it’s one of the bazillion reasons why i love Christmas Day so much.  the world shuts down.  time stands still.  for just a moment.  we are forced...or should be forced to put all others things to the side.  except for our family.  except for our love.  except for the remembrance of a tiny and perfect baby being born to save the world from itself.

this is a day when God gets to be the One who reminds us that He leads us each day and encourages us to take a rest.  almost as if He leads us up into that cool, dark quiet room and lays us down for a nap.  or shows us to a comfortable couch by a warm and cozy fireplace. take rest in Me is what He seems to say.

in all of the crazy dysfunction, all the hustle and bustle, all the worry and doubt, the frustrations and unknowns, i want to take a day of rest.  and what better day than the day that we celebrate the Savior’s birth?  what better way to celebrate Him, then to surrender ourselves to the rest that He was sent to provide for us?

so this Christmas Day, i plan to give and receive some gifts.  i plan to spend a day with my family.  i want to spend some crazy fun moments with my children, (some peaceful and some...probably not so peaceful).  and i plan to rest.  i plan to curl myself up with whatever big or small person that is around and willing to snuggle.  i plan to take a nap.  that’s right.  a nap.  and i’m going to take that nap without a protest or a fight.  i won’t whimper or cry.  i’m just going to nap.  in Christ’s honor.

i hope that there are others who are able to rest on Christmas Day.  take rest and comfort in one another.  know that there is Someone else doing your work for you and give yourself permission to relax.

Merry Christmas, my friends.  Happy napping.



 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28






Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Bedtime Routines

bedtime is always a big surprise around this joint.  we never know what we are going to get.  echo has learned what "bed time" is and she begins to whine and cry about the upcoming event.  zane, who's been on his nebulizer treatments (which causes hyper activity) is in RARE form these days.  he bounces from one end of the hallway to the next as he scurries to be the first in the room.  and by bounces, i mean, he bounces.  as in, hits one wall, head first, crashes to the ground, rubs his head, gets up and runs again at mock speed toward the room.  the kid does not learn.

reese and maddox do their fair share of complaining, but for the most part, they all know it's coming and they all know what to do.  bedtime is a pretty well oiled machine in our household.  every night is about the same, yet a little different. with or without heath being home, it is what it is.  if you fight it, mama's gonna get crazy and you don't want crazy.  and if daddy is out of town and you give me heat over bedtime, things could get ugly.  and you really don't want ugly.

tonight was no different than any other.  they got ready for bed with ease (sort of) and had some books ready to read.  we read them and after we were done, maddox wanted to know if he could ask some God questions...

oh boy...here we go...

the kids have had a lot of questions lately about God.  all kinds of questions.  big and small.  they have some serious questions.  and with good reason.  it's a tricky concept right?  i can't even wrap my own brain around it!  how can i expect them to!  their biggest question lately is, "why does God let hurricanes happen to kill people?  why would He be mean?"  

yikes...

"if God knows the future and He makes everything happen, then why can't he stop people from getting killed"

oh my....


as much as it boggles my mind to try and answer these questions (on a 4-6 year old level, keep in mind) it also warms my heart to know that they are asking!  they have every right to question, to ask, to wonder.  it's our human nature to want to know more.  to see proof.  they are no different than any other inquisitive child.  or adult for that matter.  we all want answers.  we all want proof.

we stayed in their room for almost half an hour discussing their questions, some of which get way out of hand while zane is in there.  being four years old, he is playing with his cars and pitching in a comment or two here and there.  at total random.  which then makes our conversation get a little wacky.  but whatever.

my best answer to give to the children tonight was "He uses everything for good, even the really bad things, he uses for good".  it may not seem like good at the moment.  but it's good.  it matters.  it's important.  everything is done for a reason. a good reason.  sometimes when things begin at the worst, it is for the best.

tonight was the first time that i told them a little more about my infertility.  i kept it PG, don't worry.  i told them that there were moments when i almost felt God was being mean.  i almost wondered if he heard my prayers, did He know what children really meant to me?  i told the kids how much i prayed for babies.  and for three years...no babies.  no chance.  it seemed like a possible impossibility.  but then, anything is possible...anything.  and so i kept praying...

i told them i cried.  i told them i was sad.  and sometimes i was mad.  i told them i had lots of feelings, and one of the feelings, because of my faith, was peace.  and then i asked, "you know how you are breathing air.  but you can't see it?"  "you know how you can feel the air?  that's what faith is. you can't see it, but you know it is there."  in my darkest moments, when i cry out to God.  i can't see Him.  but i know He is there.  i've felt His peace.  i've felt His touch.  i've heard His whisper....His echo.

not having children when i wanted was a tragedy to me.  but if i'd had children any time sooner, at my timing, i would not have my reese and maddox.  i would not have my zane.  i would not have my echo.  i would not have this life as i know it right now.   and i would not have known that closeness that i felt to God during that time.  the closeness that made me feel as though i could reach out and touch Him.

i want for my children to know that closeness.  to think that it could come from a tragedy of their own, big or small, makes me shutter.  but i want them to know God in their own way.  not because the bible says.  not because they learned it in church.  not because it's what their parents believe.

i want them to know....because they know.  because they feel.  because they see.  because they get so close that they can almost touch Him.

as we get a little closer to Christmas and the birth of Jesus, i know it seems really crazy, (but you all know how i feel about mamas and babies, babies and mamas.  the bond is amazing to me, to say the least.  i think it's why my heart bleeds for orphans; every child deserves that bond.)  but with the season quickly approaching, i think of mary, Jesus' mother.  her first born son.  and she was told He was going to be the Savior of the world....i've felt some pressure of being a mom...but can you imagine!?

and to think that she had to watch this perfect child grow up, cure and save so many.  and then to watch him be abused to the point of death.  she watched.

my faith is big.  and it runs deep.  but i have to say, mary really had it going on.  because this seems to be the greatest tragedy of all.  to watch your child suffer and die?  when He did nothing wrong?  to know that you held that man as a baby and did everything you could to keep Him safe, only to have him beaten and killed in front of you.  killed and punished on behalf of others.  all others.  the ones who will one day love Him as well as the ones who will deny Him.

my faith.  my belief.  it's nothing compared to what mary must have had in order to have survived what she saw.  the only way is that she knew, without a doubt, that God was real and true to His word.  i'm certain that mary felt her son's death was a tragedy.  and look at the good that came out of it.

i don't know why we have certain tragedies.  i don't know why some suffer while others live the good life.  i'd like to think that when we get to Heaven, we can ask questions, much like a child asking their parent.  just as reese and maddox are asking me these questions now, i truly believe we will get to ask those questions to the Big Guy one day.  unlike me, He has all the answers.  maybe we will get to see why He chose to do the things He did and we'll get to see all the good that came from it.  and maybe, maybe...we won't even have to ask.  maybe it will all be clear the moment we see His face.

so tonight, in my own bedtime routine, i will wash my face and brush my teeth.  i will put too much blistex on my lips because i'm addicted and a little less facial cream because it feels sticky.  i will turn my sound machine on and i will lay my head down.  every night is about the same, yet a little different.

tonight i will thank God for knowing all the answers.  i will thank Him for His personal relationship with me and that i had an opportunity to grasp it at the time that i did.  i will thank Him for inquisitive children who keep me on my toes...and on my knees.

if you are wondering where echo is in these pictures...she
is in bed 30 minutes before so that
we can wrangle these hoodlums.
Divide and conquer, right?

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Friday, November 23, 2012

A True Story of a Girl and A Bird

The boys each made a turkey
hat at school and Zane
brought these leaves home
to "make me smile".

last year, our thanksgiving consisted of a couple of phone calls to home and delivery pizza.  heath and i did not talk about it that day, but later we discussed how it was one of our saddest and loneliest days that we can remember.  the day was tough enough, as it was, but once we'd called home and heard family members in the background, knowing full well all the love and yumminess that surrounded them, we felt...well, lonely.  a lump somehow formed in my throat that i couldn't get down.  why didn't we take the time to do something special on that day?  i will never know, but we didn't.  and, i think, we are actually stronger for it.

this year, i spent much of the day wednesday in preparation for thanksgiving on thursday.  the kids would be in school and heath would be at work, but by golly....we were going to have thanksgiving when everyone came home!  i had some recipes (old and new), a couple of pots and pans to cook with (i had to buy a few more) and some determination.  thanksgiving will happen!



i felt pretty good until i bought the turkey.  i'd never cooked one before, didn't know the first thing on what to do with one.  i cried as i carried the turkey home from the grocery store.  i'm not sure why i cried.  i mean, i was laughing too.  here i was, carrying three heavy bags from the grocery store, most of which i knew nothing to do with, i was alone, it was raining and i knew that the time would soon come when i had to take off the clear plastic wrap around this turkey and come face to face with it.  overwhelmed and "skeered" is putting it mildly.  to be honest, i don't do well with raw meat.  not well at all.  heath has been the one, for years, to prepare anything that once was alive.  it's just not my thing.  if it once breathed or had blood coursing through it's veins, i'm not touching it until it has had some quality time in an oven or on a grill!

watching you-tube and trying to figure out
what to do with the bird.
so you can imagine my shock, when, not only was this bird dead, raw and naked, but it still had a few hairs and feathers left in it.  i could see tiny spots of red (blood) in places....and it smelled....raw...oh, please Lord, just get me through this.  it may sound silly to pray about cooking a bird, but i did anyway.  after all, no one wants to find mama passed out on the kitchen floor upon returning home on thanksgiving day.

before i knew it, i found myself up to my elbows (literally) underneath that bird's skin with butter and herbs.  if i thought looking at the raw bird was tough, imagine how i was when peeling skin from the bird to season it.....gulp, yep, peeled that skin right up from that beast and shoved seasoned butter all up in there!  when i say that i broke a full sweat and closed my eyes during this part...i am not exaggerating at all.  i think i gagged a bit and even shed a tear.  dramatic?  maybe.  truth?  absolutely.  ashamed?  not one bit.

after quality bonding time between me and mr. turkey.


i'm not sure how many times i laughed and cried throughout the day, but it was often, and sometimes a lot.  it was me and the bird in that tiny kitchen with a lot of ingredients and a whole lot of mess.  i swear there were moments i could hear my relatives, namely my grandma, aunt mary and mama all cooking and talking in years past.  i could feel them cheering me on.  today was my right of passage, i felt.  my test.  and i was taking the bull by the horns...or the turkey by the thighs...

i thought about thanksgivings when i was a child and how they use to be, so easy, so fun, so carefree.  i thought about them now, challenging, exciting, nerve wracking.  i thought about them in the future, when my girls are in the kitchen with me, helping and laughing, talking and sharing.  my boys doing their boy thing...whatever that will be.  judging by their father, they will probably be helping as well and picking on me each step of the way.  they will lighten my mood and charm me into keeping a smile on my face.  undoubtedly, they will all drive me nuts to the point that i will yell at them and they will all have to leave the kitchen until dinner is served.

i worked, and i mean worked, in that kitchen from 10 am until 6 pm.  only stopping for about 45 minutes to shower and get clean for our guests.  we'd invited our sweet australian nanny, emma, to join us and our dear american friends, dustin and abby, to come over.  emma had never had thanksgiving before and didn't even know why we celebrated.  it was so exciting to "teach" her how to properly devour a plate (or two) of food!

the house smelled amazing, just like i remember thanksgiving smelling.  the food was prepared, the turkey, only slightly blackened due to the fact that i'd not converted my european oven from celsius to fahrenheit.  when i say the odds were stacked against me on this dinner, i'm not kidding, degrees are not the same and measurements are not the same over here.  you would think that i would have been doomed.  turkey by the thighs, remember....?  i was digging in deep.  i was going to win this battle.


my masterpiece.  a bit crispy in spots, but tasty,
no doubt!

heath blessed the meal and we all sat down to eat.

and then i began to see why my grandmother, my aunt, my mama, my mother-in-law...and every woman goes to great lengths to prepare a meal on thanksgiving day...now i understood the feeling that each one of them have in that moment.  that moment when everything is done.  everyone is seated, everyone is slamming food, laughing, talking, oohing and ahhing.  children are complaining, yucking and picking through the strange new foods.  in this case, zane was projectile vomiting....no kidding.  i'd forced him to try some sweet potato souffle and he jack-boxed all in his seat and plate.....(sigh).  whatever.  it was a minor glitch.  my moment of happiness was too good to let that get in my way.

but now i know why these women (and some men) work so hard on this day to prepare such a huge meal.  now i know what it feels like to be so dog-tired from cooking, that the taste of each bite is like a little piece of a prize.  now i know.  and it felt really great.  i may still be beaming today from the excitement and pride over having friends and family sit down together to enjoy dinner and company with one another.  dinner that had been prepared with each one of them in mind.

later that night, i called my mom, "mama!  you would have been so proud of me!  i did so good!"  suddenly i felt 6 years old again...time reversed back 30 years in a matter of seconds.  i was able to be the kid for just a moment.  and then it passed as quickly as it came.  we discussed briefly our day, she and my dad were at my brother's house and finishing up their own meal.  it sounded like they were having fun and enjoying their time.  this year, i didn't feel that lump in my throat.  this year, we'd had thanksgiving.  and a really good one, in fact.  we had done it....and we had done it well!

this thanksgiving was very different in a lot of ways.  i will look back on it with true happiness.  i had a great day.  a memorable day.  we will never have another thanksgiving quite like the one we had this year.  next year will be new and different in its own way.

don't let any of this fool you.  i'll be home for Christmas.  and you can bet your bottom that i will not be preparing a full meal.  i'm happy to bring a few souffles or desserts but please don't ask me to touch a raw, naked turkey any time soon.


 their preparations for dinner.
heath sleeping, boys playing leapster,
girls watching
cartoons. 

gravy, sweet potato souffle', broccoli casserole
and stuffing.  (not shown: mashed potatoes,
mac and cheese, and cranberry relish)

zane:  just before he vomited.

cutting onions.
first picture i took and sent to heath at
around 10 am.  it's not pretty,
but hard work never is!

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  
1 Thessalonians  5:8
it's a little blurry and difficult to see the little ones
 but it was worth putting it on here to remember the day!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Eyes Wide Open

there is something i've been secretly praying about for over a month now.  it's something that is always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart.  especially for the last several years.  it's something that will sometimes surface to the front of my mind and the top of my heart.  and when it does...

it burns.

it hurts.

i can't shake it.

i can't scratch the itch.

nothing seems to put my mind and heart at ease until...

i decide...

 i go...

i do...

i'm talking about mission work.  i'm talking about those little cambodian faces that have pierced my soul like nothing else can and maybe never will.  i'm talking about going out into the trenches and actually getting dirty for Jesus.  really dirty, really sweaty, really tired, really down and dirty for the One who got down and dirty for me over 2000 years ago.

being here in london for the last year and half has kept me away from some of the things that I'm most passionate about.  children and moms in need.  i've not been able to go to cambodia for the last 2 years now.  and part of that is because i brought home a little asian nugget of my own.  i have serious mission work to do right within my own home!

but just as i felt many years ago, there is a nagging.  a feeling.  a pain inside of me.  it pulls me.  it grips me.  it shakes me.

i've lightly prayed about going back to visit cambodia but lately i've prayed a little more intently about it.  it's not an easy decision to make, after all.  i have a family here to care for.  i have a husband who works and travels full time.  i have children who go to school.  i have a toddler who needs to know her mommy.  it is not easy to up and leave for 10 days.  it takes planning, it takes time, it takes money.  it takes commitment.  it takes a lot.  to leave my brood for that amount of time and to a country that is so far away....it's scary to me.  it takes me beyond my comfort zone.  the travel is relentless.  the time away from my own children is suffocating.  i have so much that i would be leaving behind, so many blessings that i want to stay home and take care of.  to enjoy.

but if i do go?  the reward?  oh, the reward...there is nothing like being part of a team who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of over 40 orphan children.  to touch the faces of such precious faces.  to rattle the hearts of a bunch of kids thousands of miles away.  there are no words for what the reward feels or looks like but it is real and it is powerful and it keeps calling me back to serve.

a few months ago i started to realized that we will be living back in the states soon and i will be able to be a part of another missions team.  i could have the chance to go back to cambodia.  and then i read a book, "Kisses from Katie" that is written by a girl who, at the age of 18, gave everything up and moved to Uganda to work with the children there.

the beast inside me started to awaken....

i could go.  i could serve.

no.  i can't give it all up.  and i don't want to.  i have beautiful children of my own and a fantastic husband that i adore.  i'm not being asked to give it all up.  i'm not being asked for all.  i'm being asked for a little.  some.

i began to more-than-half-way pray about it.  my fear keeps me from fully praying about it.  i mean, i kinda just want to get back to the states and relax.  kick my feet up and enjoy.  but that may not be the answer for me.  i told heath, "i'm not me unless i'm serving somehow or some way."  and he knows this probably better than anyone.  i mean, he's the one that has to step off to the side of the street while I chit-chat with David, my homeless buddy, in the evenings after date night.  he's the one who has to run through the house trying to find items to give to a young girl in russia who is pregnant and homeless.  and he was certainly by my side as we decided together to take in the craziest, cutest little baby girl in all of china and bring her home to live with us!  he's been there through it all.  he knows!

we were on a date about a month ago and heath got up to go to the restroom.  i took a moment to give thanks for all that i have in my life.  and i looked down to see a card on the table.  the front of it said, "talk to me".  it was a little conversation starter for your date, i guess, but i immediately took it as God saying, "talk to me.  tell me what you are feeling.  tell me your heart.  just get it out there."






i turned the card over to see that, on the back, it said, "use me again and again."  and my heart smiled.  because if God was asking me to talk to him.  i would do so, but He just got His answer.



use me again and again.

so this is what i prayed;

if there is a need, let me help.  if there is pain, let me see it.  if You want me, ask me.  use me over and over again.

to some of you i may sound like a total whack-job.  i mean, come on.  this was a coincidence that the card was on the table at that time.  but i don't believe in coincidences.  i believe everything happens for a purpose.  a reason.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

i prayed for God to open my eyes to the needs that i can help with here and now and to help me be who i am called to be.  me.  i need to be me.  and i'm not me without Him.

the next few weeks unfolded to show me areas where we could give financial, verbally, and prayerfully, i was shown ways that we could give of our time and our resources.  i was asked to be a prayer warrior for a friend going to cambodia in november.  he is there now, actually...and yes, i used the word prayer warrior which sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of you.  but let me tell you, when you've been praying for something on your own and you feel like you are fighting a battle on your own, when you feel helpless but you know it's not hopeless, whether it be infertility, cancer, mission trips, job loss, house issues, family struggles...the list is endless.  when you ask for others to pray and you see the changes made in the situation, you see how God makes changes in the people, you see prayers being answered...you begin to believe that there might just be something to those prayer warriors.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.  Matthew 18:20

having these needs come to my attention allowed me to see again.  my eyes just opened up.  eyes wide open.  and there are still needs that are popping up.

use me again and again.

has this quenched my thirst for missions in other countries?  i don't think so.  i will continue to pray for an answer to that.  sometimes when we don't hear Him, it's not because it's a "no", it might be because it's a  "not now".  i don't know what He is telling me at the moment.  but He has me busy with other things that are filling my heart with happiness and satisfaction.  for that, i am grateful.  i am (almost) content.  i know the little beast inside me is resting for now, but she will awaken once again.  she will request to be the hands and feet of God to children across the world who have very little.  she will want to go into the trenches and get down and dirty.

for now, i will do what i can, where i can, when i can.  and i will pray for more.  because the fire burns too hot, the pain cuts too deep, and the itch insists on being scratched.  my eyes are open and i refuse to close them.

Our three cambodian babies who call me Mom.
Philib, Vandam, and Nat in 2010. 


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

When In Rome!




We all know the full saying is "When in Rome, do as the Romans do".  But what does that actually mean?  Where did it come from?  Why do we say that?

The phrase developed from the following incident:
When St. Augustine arrived in Milan, he observed that the Church did not fast on Saturday as did the Church at Rome. He consulted St. Ambrose, bishop of Milan, who replied: "When I am at Rome, I fast on a Saturday; when I am at Milan, I do not. Follow the custom of the Church where you are." The comment was changed to "When they are at Rome, they do there as they see done," by Robert Burton in his Anatomy of Melancholy. Eventually it became, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

So now that you have that useless knowledge, I will go on with my blog.  I could not help my inner nerd coming out after this trip.  It was fascinating to see such history, such brilliance, such remarkable architecture and LIFE in this city.  It has been the most educational trip I've been on at this point and I was so thrilled to have my four hoodlums there to learn along with me!

I did not know what to expect, going into this trip.  I knew it was an old city.  I knew the historical and biblical Romans dwelled there over 2000 years ago, but I don't think I really put that into perspective until we were actually there.  Walking on the same soil, inside the Colosseum, where fights took place, where crucifixions, punishments and parties thrived!  The fact that something of such magnitude and beauty was built to endure so many years of use.  It's astonishing that human hands worked without technology or machinery to build this.  It was  a great reminder of how intelligent and productive the human brain and hand can be.  It was inspiring beyond words.  I'm glad my children, namely Maddox, was there to ask the guide so many questions.  Because the tour rendered me speechless.


The kids were FANTASTIC on this trip!  I was so proud of them and enjoyed (almost) every moment with them.  I could have done without a few of Echo's tantrums and the tad bit of the whining...and definitely the amount of bathroom trips (just think of tiny bladders times 5.  Heath is the only camel in our family, the rest of us have to pee at the most inopportune times.)  I can honestly say that I know what every toilet in every building that we entered looked like.  Sometimes I would see that same bathroom, 2-4 times in one hour.  You laugh and you think I'm exaggerating.  I'm not.

I was prepared for the crazy nonsense of the kids.  I had come with wet-wipes, a portable toilet seat, hand sanitizer and sassy spray all packed in a bag.  (what is sassy spray?  half vinegar, half water in a tiny spray bottle.  it tastes terrible but it works immediately when timeouts are not an option....and, well, vinegar is actually good for you so I consider it a nutritional supplement for the misbehaving child.)  I was fully ready for what was going to come my way.  I'm not sure that Heath was prepared.  As one of the most patient...actually, THE most patient man I've ever known, his patience level was put to the test countless times.  On the first morning, we went down to a really fancy breakfast.  The kids were not only giddy with excitement but they were hungry and a little tired too.  Put that together and it makes for an ugly mix.  Echo was constantly saying, "eat, eat, eat, Echo eat?"  unsure why we had left our hotel room and not fed her, she wanted to make sure we understood she did not get her breakfast.  Zane, for the second time, bit into his drinking glass and shards of glass had to be extracted from his mouth and Reese and Maddox had their twin thing going on.  Those two get so silly with one another that there is no stopping them.  We only try to contain them.  This first morning pretty much set up how the rest of our mornings would go, just give or take a few incidents.  One thing remained constant.  Heath did not once have a hot cup of coffee and there was at least once, maybe twice, that he ate alone because one or two (or four) had to go to the bathroom.  It can be a lonely life when you are a camel.

St. Peter's Basilica
One of the MANY times I asked them to get together for
a picture.  And this is what I would get.  Really?
Picture at Trevi Fountain just before kids climbed the rock
and were asked by Roman police to step down.  

Our guide.  When we were leaving, Maddox told him,
"text me or email me if you want to talk again."


After spending 3 days in Italy, we boarded a flight to Sicily.  Ahhhhhh, if Rome was educational and face-paced and exhausting, Sicily was the complete opposite.  (Well, except for the mornings during breakfast time.)  We went to our beautiful resort and did NOT leave for 5 days!  It was warm and beautiful and relaxing.  Not only did I not learn a darn thing in those 5 days, but I'm not sure that I even used my brain.  I think that I am starting to understand why the people in big cities get so excited over "holidays".  The mind, body and spirit need to get away from the noise and chaos sometimes.  The nostrils need to breath fresh air.  The eyes desire to see the vastness of hills, seas, oceans, and/or land in order to clear minds.  

Could go down as one of my favorite pictures of Echo.  

This is the classic "head lock" that Zane performs
whenever I ask him to be in a picture with Echo.

Yes, I realize it's blurry.  Maddox wanted to take a picture.
I wanted a picture of Heath and myself with a cool background.
Echo forced her way in.
I ended up loving the photo.



"Get together for a picture!"
Really?

"Hey, you guys get together for a picture!"
Really?

It was a trip to remember!  Endless days of pizza and pasta, amazing sights, adventure and fun.  I sometimes wonder how we will look back on these trips.  Because I already view them as being really cool, exceptionally fun, unthinkably exhausting and sometimes down right insane.  I'm not sure what business we have traveling with this mad bunch, but we do it, it's fun and it's really, really funny.

Heath, one day, you and I will be sitting together, alone, on our screened porch, overlooking our backyard and drinking our really hot cups of coffee together.  We'll be dreaming of the good 'ole days, when we didn't have time for ourselves to eat breakfast.  We will reminisce over when we couldn't drink our hot coffee.  We will think of these trips and laugh (and cry) over the memories made with this crazy crew.  And if, by chance, we begin to talk and reminisce so much that your coffee becomes cold, I will gladly go and warm it back up for you.  But for now, let's enjoy our cold coffee, the constant bathroom breaks, sassy sprayed mouths, and relentless silly, giddy, inappropriate conversations with our kids.  We both know this trip would not have been the same without them.  This trip to Italy and this crazy trip of a life.

Beyond blessed.



Wednesday, October 3, 2012

An Uncomfortable Truth

this morning was one of those whirlwind mornings.   i had uniforms out for all the children, lined neatly and ready for them to put on.  reese and maddox have to wear their swimsuits under their uniform on tuesdays because they go to swim soon after arriving to school.  zane needed his track suit packed as he would have gym later in the day.  goggles, swim cap, towels...you get where i'm going with this.  there was a full on line-up of what all we had to take.  as the kids were dressing, i told reese and maddox to be sure to run back and get clean underwear to take to school since they would have on swimsuits while going to school.   and then i packed zane some grapes to share with his class (a fruit sharing tradition that the young children do every week).  it was certainly a whirlwind.

and little echo, of course, had to sit on her potty before we left.

 i managed to get everyone on the bus and we were off to start our day.  i was feeling pretty good about how things had gone, although chaotic, the children were smiling, we were happy, life was good.  i had not yelled all morning.  teeth had been brushed...well maybe not mine, but everyone else was very presentable.  yep, i was feeling good!

and then maddox, who was sitting at the back of the bus, yells up to me (standing in the middle of the bus).  "oh no, mommy, we forgot our underwear!!!"  (insert red faced mom here).  a few people turned to me and stifled a laugh.  even i had to try not to laugh.  i tried to remain calm, after all, this was not the worst thing that could have happened!  i shouted back to him, "it's okay, you can just go free today, it'll be fun, you'll like it!"  and this really got some laughing.  who knew we would be entertainment for the bus riders on this paticular morning.

maddox looked down and came back with, "did reese forget hers too?"  reese shot him a dirty look and told him to be quiet.  she was mad now.  i simply said that yes, all underwear has been forgotten and it will be fine, not to worry.

but maddox was worried.  i could tell.  he did not like the idea of no underwear.  and to make matters worse, he's always complaining about the scratchy paints.  he hates them.  i just knew that he'd already put two and two together of what it would be like commando....and those scratchy pants.  God bless him.

maddox's eyes became more and more red and teary as we neared school.  he asked me a few times if we could turn around and go back.  i let him know that we could not because it would make them late for school.  he asked if i would go back and get the underwear and bring them back before swim.  i told him no.  i thought he would be fine.

i told both of the kids that this was a good lesson.  when i tell them to do something in the mornings, it needs to be done.  i'd had a lot to get done and i'd asked them to do the one thing and they did not do it.

reese, the whole time, was silent.

as we entered the school, reese and maddox were about to go up the stairs and maddox quietly, slowly began to walk up.  and then he turned to me, threw his hands up and said, "i just can't do this.  i can't do it!"

i tried not to laugh and asked him to come back down and talk to me.  he came right into my arms and put his head in my neck and cried.  i was afraid that he dreaded some kind of laughter from other boys but i wanted to hear it from him.  when i asked him why he was so upset, he told me, "i won't be comfortable."

comfort.  my little maddox is the KING of comfort.  of course.  comfort.

after giving a great sigh and a shake of my head, i told maddox i would try my best to get back to the flat and bring him back some underwear.  but i wasn't sure i could make it in time.

thrilled at this, he ran, flew up the stairs, thanking me and yelled down with complete seriousness, "take a taxi mom!  it will be much quicker!!!"

so echo and i headed back for the underwear.....


on the bus ride home, i couldn't help but wonder if this is how i sometimes sound.  like the sad little kid who is not "comfortable".

there has been something lurking in my mind since we adopted echo a little over a year ago.  am i the right mom for this job?  i thought i could handle this.  but this is more than i thought.

is it any wonder that more than one-third of Americans have seriously considered adopting, but no more than 2 percent have followed through?

why?

because it's not easy.

there, i said it.  it's not easy.

it's not "comfortable".

i was on the phone with heath last night asking him why had God called me to do this?  what made Him think i could do this?  echo is stubborn, bull headed, demanding and rejecting at times.  the mean and mad looks she can project from her eyes is piercing.  fighting her food battles is exhausting.  tending to her demands is draining.  i don't know what to do for her in some moments.  i don't know what i CAN do!  i don't know if i have the patience for it.  we have four children, not one.  not just echo.  she can't demand so much out of me.  and the part that throws me for a loop, almost makes me angry, is that i don't think God did this for echo only.  He has a plan for us too.  He is teaching me every day something new about myself.  and they are not always pretty things.

i'm not comfortable, Lord.  

why didn't You tell me it would be so hard?

i can't do this.  i just can't do it..

you all know, by now, that echo is potty training.  she's had accidents each day, of course, as any learner would.  and she does NOT like to be left for too long in her wet underwear.  she walks towards me bowlegged and a big frown on her face.  it's uncomfortable, right?  but i let her stay in it for a little while, not too long, but to give her an idea that this is not the result she wants.  the result she wants is the dry underwear.  comfort.

i'm no different than a toddler or a 6 year old.  i like comfort.  i strive for it.  we all do.  but sometimes if we are left to be uncomfortable for a bit, we truly begin to understand what we want for the end result to be.  if we are strong enough to look beyond ourselves, and focus on that end result, we can push ourselves, pull ourselves to achieve that result.

and certainly, many of you reading this, have far bigger issues than i do!  you scoff at me right now and maybe even want to punch the computer.  because you TRULY know difficult.  you TRULY know discomfort.  even i may look back on this blog and be upset with myself for feeling as though THIS was my discomfort  in 2012.  and i'm certain that when my children all become teenagers, i'm going to still be blogging about my comfort level!  but for now, for now, i have that question that keeps coming to my mind.

why?  we were so comfortable, Lord.  You knew we were going to a city, and that strollers, diapers, nannies, extra care, extra help, extra, extra, extra would all be needed.  You knew her hidden issues.  You knew my hidden issues.  You knew.  You knew we would move.  You knew my friends, my family, my church and my support would be gone.  and yet, You urged me to move forward with the adoption.  You urged me to move quickly toward her.  and we did.  we followed.  we obeyed.  and now it's hard.

please don't get me wrong.  echo is no mistake.  she was never a mistake.  i have no doubt she is meant to be with us.  my faith gives me the certainty that she is right where she is meant to be.  but i'm not comfortable...yet.

mothering an adopted child is not easy.  God didn't ask us to take echo because it would be easy.  maybe just the opposite.  who knows.  because i can say that echo certainly draws me closer to God each day...

why me?  why us?

why not?

is my discomfort such a bad thing?  after all, i said it brought me closer to God.  i mean, my tiny little discomfort is nothing compared to Job.  no where near that of Jesus.  my discomfort is a drop in the bucket by comparison.  but God doesn't compare.  He has compassion.  and just as i'm working to deal with echo, He is working to deal with me.  just as i've adopted echo, He adopted me.  just as echo fights me, i fight Him.  when will i ever learn?

so, for now, and for this year, just like the year before, i have to call upon my Father.  

teach me how You love.

teach me how You see.

teach me how You touch.

teach me how You move.

teach me how.



oh, and Lord, could You take a taxi?  it'll be much quicker!




Sunday, September 30, 2012

If You Can't Beat 'Em.

This morning, i awoke to little hands pressing on my side, asking the a question that i could not comprehend.  in my sleepy coma, i asked, "zane, what do you need", his reply, "i need you to fix my covers"

....uhhh, right, because CLEARLY that's important in these wee hours of the morning.  

so i reached over the side of the bed to fix his covers, only to find that he didn't just want the blanket to be on him...no he wanted them to be straightened and tightened and tucked and folded all around his tiny body. "sorry, buddy, not at this time of night" (and since when did you become such a princess?)

i'd let the three big kids sleep in my room the night before.  a new tradition that i started a few months ago to keep our spirits up.  heath is out of town on business and we are all alone this weekend.  it's been quite awhile since heath has been out of town on a weekend so this has been an event that i was not really looking forward to.  add on to that, i'm potty training echo.  add on to that, emma, our nanny, is out of town for 5 days.  she doesn't work on weekends but it's always great to know that she could be there in case of an emergency.  so i told heath to travel quickly and safely and hope that he comes home to four children because one, if not two, might not make it through the next 8 days.  potty training makes me crazy.  it's my least favorite thing to do with a toddler.  i knew we were in for troubled times.

look at this face.  doesn't it look like trouble to you?


and i'll admit, i've been in a funk.  my mother's birthday is monday.  they are having a family reunion this weekend; cabins, picnics, family, roasted marshmallows, and some serious fun.  it's put me in a funk. couple that with the fact that heath is gone also and, well, i was a bit foul this morning.  upon waking, maddox climbed into bed with me and said, "mommy, i can stay here with the kids if you want to go out and get coffee and cinnamon rolls from starbucks."

ohhhh, maddox, if you only knew.  i could almost take you up on that offer.

before i could wipe the sleep from my eyes, we were up and at it. for some crazy reason, i decided to cook eggs, bacon, pancakes and bagels.  it was a huge meal.  this is SO not like me, especially to do it all without heath!  i'm not sure what i was trying to prove.

but as the day wore on and i started to lose my momentum, i began to learn (or remember) a few things:

-left over pizza is still okay after a few days in the fridge.  so okay, in-fact, that i had a couple of slices.  they were slightly stale and a little soggy, but i fought through it.
-those "2-bite" brownies that i bought for the kids, are really good.  i can eat one in just 1 bite.  i can eat three within a very short amount of time.  and i can finish a whole box of them within a day.  (i'm not saying i'm proud, i'm just saying that i learned this.)
-i learned that it's possible to go through a full day's time and NOT know what the air feels like outside.
-stealing the children's vitamins is yet another way to get a sugar fix.
-allowing children to run around half naked throughout the day is okay, it actually makes them happier. clothes are totally overrated.
-i can successfully do absolutely nothing with my day, except tend to children, eat pizza and sneak brownies (and those darn vitamins) and not feel too bad about it.
-potty training is not so hard if you sit her on her potty all day long.  she had a very successful potty day!
-finding four separate rooms for children to go to "time out" is critical.
-a first shower at 4 in the afternoon can actually turn you into a human again.
-bathing children is sometimes for safety purposes, they are all in sight, busy and happy.  all i have to do is sit and supervise...and then form the washing assembly line.
-poopie in fresh underwear looses its "gross factor" after the fourth child.  i didn't even blink.
-allowing children to play video games, watch cartoons and lay around kills no one.  we all survived the day.  we are all very happy for it.
-it is possible to clean a kitchen 5-7 times a day if you are a mother.
-buy two packs of cookie mix. one to bake with and one to eat the dough from the bowl.

(yes, i lived on sugar alone today.  it was seriously one of the most desperate days i can remember in a long time.  remember dory on Finding Nemo?  "just keep swimming, just keep swimming.....")


throughout the day, i kept wishing that it was me who was on the business trip.  it might be nice to be on a 8 hour flight, all alone.  i could eat my tiny airplane pretzels in peace.  i could watch movies only allowed for adults, no cartoons.  i could go to meetings and dress sharply, make really big business decisions.  i could go to a conference and listen to speakers and their bright ideas, maybe share my own.  can you imagine?  what if i were the one on that business trip?

let me eat another 2 bite brownie....oh wait, i already ate them all...dang it!

tonight at dinner.  the kids were giggling over their food, making smirky comments about it, trying to sneak in words like "poop", "burp", "belly bubble" knowing, full well, these are usually words at the table that send me into orbit.  tonight, i just sat there, in my pull out/fold out chair (because we have a tiny kitchen with no room to sit) and i let them get away with things i would not normally let them get away with.  i sat and thought about how many brain cells died inside my brain today.  how many of my brain cells threw themselves over a bridge!?

the kids kept giggling, food falling, drinks splattering.  how had i been so calm all day?  how had i not dropped a kid off at the neighbor's house.  (i don't know my neighbors, but i can assure you, it might not stop me from dropping one over.)  calmly, with a very fluid motion, i turned on my iphone, with the speakers on high, and turned on Waka Waka by Shakira.  and it was LOUD!  the spanish version, don't ask me why.

my kids all stopped dead in their tracks.  food stopped being chewed, drinks were put to the side.  they all looked at me as if i'd lost my mind.  and maybe i had.  but i played that music so loud, it drowned out their tiny little giggles, it stopped the whining, the tattling, the mouthing off.  it stopped it all.  and suddenly, inside me, there was dancing.  my insides were happy.  i felt free.

after the children had a moment to let this sink in, they began to literally dance in their seats.  move around.  feel the music.  they began to smile, to laugh, to sing.

and so did i...

we all did.  i looked down and even little echo was up out of her seat dancing and playing.  we jammed.  we stopped everything and had one of our best dance parties.

i'd slummed around for the whole day.  quietly washed and cleaned, managed and refereed, bossed and boo boo kissed without much of a thought.  i'd breezed through the day but i'm not sure that i lived it.  i guess there comes that moment when you think, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  i mean, let's face it, it's a great little party to join.

motherhood is a lot of fun.  it's also a lot of work.  i've stumbled through the day, wallowed in my funk, let the loneliness sink in.  i've had my day today that mothers have every now and again.  i don't feel bad about it.  i'm not ashamed of it.  it was a good day.  a guilt free day.  actually, looking back on it, it was really great.  i ate without thinking, i was a sloth in my pajamas, i sat beside a potty for hours, i learned new levels of critter attack on the ipad, and i danced.  not such a bad day in the life of a mama.

not such a bad day.


the party had just gotten started!  reese was feeling the beat.

i love when Zane laughs like this....he just can't stop once he starts!

okay, yes this is slightly inappropriate.  this is one of those moments when
i tell maddox, "funny?  yes.  appropriate?  no."

echo laughing hysterically.

"Be joyful always" 1 Thessalonians 5:16






Friday, September 21, 2012

My Roots are Showing

i noticed a week ago that my roots are starting to show.  many of you know that i've gone from blonde to brown while living over here.  the change is good.  it's been fun to try new colors although i've come to like the dark color so much that i keep going darker.  the last time i went in to get my hair colored, i asked for black!  they stylist was all for it but insisted that i put in just a touch of my lighter hair so that i wouldn't freak out too much.  and thank goodness i put in some of that blonde because the black color was BLACK!

so now that my roots are beginning to come through, they are not the usual dark roots to my blonde highlights that i'm use to.  no, these are actually lighter roots!  my lighter hair is trying to come back in.  so, what's a girl to do?  i went today to get my roots covered.  darker.  again.  but i know, without a doubt, my roots will start to show in another 6 weeks or so.  it will drive me to the point that i will have to go back in and get them touched up.  the color change is fun but it's still a lot of maintenance.  no matter what i do to try and cover my roots, they always show back up.

i have other roots that are beginning to show as well.  the roots that are planted firmly in me that no one can see.  the roots that have grown deep down and are firmly planted deep within me.  just the other day, i was paying for pasta in a little noodle shop over in Notting Hill.  the lady asked, "will this be all?" and i, without thinking, replied, "yes ma'am".  by the look on her face, you would have thought that i said, "yep, that's it, GRANNY!"  she was disgusted and offended from what i could tell.

and there are the moments that i run into someone on the street, bumping their shoulder, and quickly say, "i'm so sorry, excuse me".

and then the occasional "y'all" comes out of my mouth.  that one is hard to cover up!

oops, my roots are showing.

it was yesterday day that i had a sense of homesickness.  it creeps in once in awhile.  not very often in this amazingly busy and fun city do i get a chance to feel true homesickness.  as a matter of fact, i haven't had homesickness like this since last year around this same time! but on this particular day, i felt it.  i sat alone in a great little restaurant and began to cry.  for no other reason than the fact that i missed home.  oh no, mistye, don't do it, your roots will show!  these city slickers can sniff out weakness and they'll come for you!  but, of course, no one noticed or said anything to me about the tears.  no one attacked.

there are things that i'm starting to realize just how much i love from home.  things that i think i took for granted, things that so many take for granted.  my roots.

you know, the definition of root is this:
Root. (noun) the part of a plant which attaches it to the ground or to a support, typically underground, conveying water and nourishment to the rest of the plant via numerous branches and fibers.

our roots are like that of a tree.  our roots keep us grounded just like the roots of the tree keep it grounded.  they give us nourishment. they keep us fed.  you can't usually see the roots, unless they come creeping out (and they sometimes do).  roots are strong, they run deep, they can be huge, they can be extremely tiny.  but they all play a really big part on what keeps that tree standing when the rains come down, when the harsh winds blow.  the roots keep the tree standing tall.  the roots allow the tree to look so strong.  all those little roots, they go unnoticed by everyone.  except the tree.  the tree, certainly, must "know" they are there.  the roots are what keep the tree ALIVE!

i realized that day as i sat looking out the restaurant window, feeling the homesickness, that my roots are firmly planted.  i began to think about the things i love back home.

i love sitting on my back screened-in porch when it rains.
i love the smell of that rain.
i love riding in a car with the windows rolled down.
i love riding around and looking at the tree foliage.
i love sweet tea...and i hardly ever drank it!
i love walking into a room and everyone knows one another.
i love little art festivals.
i love crickets....as long as they are outside...and i can't see them....and they don't jump on me.
i love having four distinct seasons...lasting around 3 months each...we get seasons over here but they all happen in one day.  it's a bit tricky to plan for each day.
i love being told to "have a blessed day".
i love going to church on a sunday morning and feeling the fullness in my heart.
i love watching the trees dance in my back yard.
i love being with family and friends in that back yard, eating BBQ and watching the kids run around.
i love hearing, yes, ma'am, fixin to, and y'all.
i love the smell of fresh cut grass.


there are so many things that i can't wait to go back home to. my roots.  heath and i are excited to start laying the foundation for our children so that, they too, can begin to grow their roots.  roots to plant them firmly in the ground.  because we all have roots, we all have a place where we started, a reason that we are who we are.  we all have these crazy, beautifully twisted roots that shape us and shift us into become the adults that we are now.  i'm excited to have my children grow theirs.

but then, they already are.  our children will have roots wherever they are, wherever we are.  our children are growing roots, knowing that the world is huge, people are people all over the world.  our children's roots are going to be far and wide, greatly exposed to all that God has created.

and then there are the spiritual roots that we have.  we are digging them deep.  they keep us fed, they keep us strong, keep us standing, keep us nourished.

i have been through a few rough winds and pretty strong storms but my roots are firmly planted.  the big ones and the little ones keep me standing tall.  my roots keep me ALIVE!

so if my roots tend to come out, i can't be embarrassed.  i don't have to rush to cover them up.  i have to be proud.  i may seem like a softy or a weakling on these city streets at times but i'm tough and i'm mighty.

i have my roots firmly planted.

This tree, in Hyde Park, grew right through the concrete ground.
There was no stopping this tree from growing!  The roots
pushed right through.



He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.  Psalm 1:3








Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Say My Name

echo has a new thing that she does.  heath and i noticed it a couple of days ago.  echo will come into the room where i am and say, "mommy?".  she says it in a way that makes me think she wants to ask me a question or tell me something important.  or maybe it's something very unimportant.  but the fact that she can now search the house for me, find me, and call my name is wonderful.  most of the time, after she says the word, she will just stand there, not saying anything.  like she just wanted to say my name to see if i'll answer.  other times she will pause for a bit and come closer to stand beside me.  it's the funniest thing.  it's so sweet.

last night, as we were cleaning the dishes after dinner, she came into the kitchen doorway and stood for a while, watching us, quietly.  and then she said, "mommy?".  to which i responded, "yes, honey?" without looking over my shoulder.  she quietly said, "more milk".  heath and i stopped everything and turned to her.  i grabbed her milk and handed it to her.  she asked for a need, a want.  and we could provide.  instant gratification for her!  we wanted to reward her!  we were thrilled that she could communicate so beautifully.

the toddler stage is amazing.  each day they learn and do something new.  i love being shocked by the new things that happen each day with a toddler.  some days are better than others, there is always that moment when the toddler learns to take off her diaper or play in the potty.  those are not my favorite surprises but the good outweighs the bad...  they are little sponges whose knowledge begins to ooze from inside them outward, without as much effort as when they were babies.  it's so amazing to me that this new found knowledge comes out of the child as if she's had this ability all along and is just now starting to let it come from within.

later that night, as we were going to bed, heath and i were talking about how cute echo had been to state her request.  i laughed because, of course she would pick up on how to best get my attention.  she hears the others all day long saying "mommy?, mommy?  mommy?"  she has been watching the bigger kids and understands that when there is a want or a need, you go to mom and she provides.  whether it be more milk, a snack, a hug, help with a toy, directions to a game, solution to a problem...you go to one of the tall, big people and they will help you out.

i went to bed with this on my mind.  all she had to do was come into the room and call my name.  she was not whining, she was not complaining.  she had a want.  a need.  and she has learned to call my name.  it makes my heart swell.  it makes me feel more connected to her.

and then it hit me.

all i have to do is call His name?  because i have to tell you, there are some nights that i'm so worn, so tired, so confused, so frustrated, so sad, so everything...so anything!...that it's all i CAN do to call His name.  i start my prayer, Dear Heavenly Father....

and there He is.  "Yes, honey?"

and He waits.  He waits to hear what my heart has to say.  what are my needs?  what are my wants?  i'm most certain that His heart swells when He hears my voice call to Him.  i'm certain that He feels my desire to be close to Him in that moment.  and i know it makes us more connected.

and just like echo, there may be a time, should be a time that i ask specifically for what i want or (think) that i need.  shocking.  He wants me to be specific.  so that He can provide.

will He give me my wants every time?  no.  and thank goodness.  thank goodness!  i've prayed for some pretty crazy stuff in my lifetime and if He'd honored those prayers, well, it's a good thing He's the one in charge.  but he does give me my needs.  and just like a parent to a child, He knows my needs better than i do.

and there are times that i just want to say His name.  to be close to Him.  i guess like echo does with me.  she just wants to say my name.  because she can now.  and she likes it.  it gets her closer to me.  it is a reminder that she is with me.

sometimes i just want to remind God that i'm with Him too.  even when i don't know exactly what to pray or what to say.  sometimes i just want Him to know that  i'm here.  i'm listening.  i want to be close to you.  my Heavenly Father.

i have been so blessed to have my kids.  they are a bunch of clowns, they drive me nuts and they make me age very quickly.  but i love them and they are a constant reminder to me of how God sees each one of us.  in my eyes, my children are beautiful, special and wonderful.  i want them to come to me.  i want them to ask me for things.  i want to see/hear their needs.  and i want to try and provide for them the best way that i can, the best way that i know.  i want to do what is best for each one of them.

that's what God wants from me and for me, as well.

all i have to do is call His name.

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13