reese and maddox do their fair share of complaining, but for the most part, they all know it's coming and they all know what to do. bedtime is a pretty well oiled machine in our household. every night is about the same, yet a little different. with or without heath being home, it is what it is. if you fight it, mama's gonna get crazy and you don't want crazy. and if daddy is out of town and you give me heat over bedtime, things could get ugly. and you really don't want ugly.
tonight was no different than any other. they got ready for bed with ease (sort of) and had some books ready to read. we read them and after we were done, maddox wanted to know if he could ask some God questions...
oh boy...here we go...
the kids have had a lot of questions lately about God. all kinds of questions. big and small. they have some serious questions. and with good reason. it's a tricky concept right? i can't even wrap my own brain around it! how can i expect them to! their biggest question lately is, "why does God let hurricanes happen to kill people? why would He be mean?"
yikes...
"if God knows the future and He makes everything happen, then why can't he stop people from getting killed"
oh my....
as much as it boggles my mind to try and answer these questions (on a 4-6 year old level, keep in mind) it also warms my heart to know that they are asking! they have every right to question, to ask, to wonder. it's our human nature to want to know more. to see proof. they are no different than any other inquisitive child. or adult for that matter. we all want answers. we all want proof.
we stayed in their room for almost half an hour discussing their questions, some of which get way out of hand while zane is in there. being four years old, he is playing with his cars and pitching in a comment or two here and there. at total random. which then makes our conversation get a little wacky. but whatever.
my best answer to give to the children tonight was "He uses everything for good, even the really bad things, he uses for good". it may not seem like good at the moment. but it's good. it matters. it's important. everything is done for a reason. a good reason. sometimes when things begin at the worst, it is for the best.
tonight was the first time that i told them a little more about my infertility. i kept it PG, don't worry. i told them that there were moments when i almost felt God was being mean. i almost wondered if he heard my prayers, did He know what children really meant to me? i told the kids how much i prayed for babies. and for three years...no babies. no chance. it seemed like a possible impossibility. but then, anything is possible...anything. and so i kept praying...
i told them i cried. i told them i was sad. and sometimes i was mad. i told them i had lots of feelings, and one of the feelings, because of my faith, was peace. and then i asked, "you know how you are breathing air. but you can't see it?" "you know how you can feel the air? that's what faith is. you can't see it, but you know it is there." in my darkest moments, when i cry out to God. i can't see Him. but i know He is there. i've felt His peace. i've felt His touch. i've heard His whisper....His echo.
not having children when i wanted was a tragedy to me. but if i'd had children any time sooner, at my timing, i would not have my reese and maddox. i would not have my zane. i would not have my echo. i would not have this life as i know it right now. and i would not have known that closeness that i felt to God during that time. the closeness that made me feel as though i could reach out and touch Him.
i want for my children to know that closeness. to think that it could come from a tragedy of their own, big or small, makes me shutter. but i want them to know God in their own way. not because the bible says. not because they learned it in church. not because it's what their parents believe.
i want them to know....because they know. because they feel. because they see. because they get so close that they can almost touch Him.
as we get a little closer to Christmas and the birth of Jesus, i know it seems really crazy, (but you all know how i feel about mamas and babies, babies and mamas. the bond is amazing to me, to say the least. i think it's why my heart bleeds for orphans; every child deserves that bond.) but with the season quickly approaching, i think of mary, Jesus' mother. her first born son. and she was told He was going to be the Savior of the world....i've felt some pressure of being a mom...but can you imagine!?
and to think that she had to watch this perfect child grow up, cure and save so many. and then to watch him be abused to the point of death. she watched.
my faith is big. and it runs deep. but i have to say, mary really had it going on. because this seems to be the greatest tragedy of all. to watch your child suffer and die? when He did nothing wrong? to know that you held that man as a baby and did everything you could to keep Him safe, only to have him beaten and killed in front of you. killed and punished on behalf of others. all others. the ones who will one day love Him as well as the ones who will deny Him.
my faith. my belief. it's nothing compared to what mary must have had in order to have survived what she saw. the only way is that she knew, without a doubt, that God was real and true to His word. i'm certain that mary felt her son's death was a tragedy. and look at the good that came out of it.
i don't know why we have certain tragedies. i don't know why some suffer while others live the good life. i'd like to think that when we get to Heaven, we can ask questions, much like a child asking their parent. just as reese and maddox are asking me these questions now, i truly believe we will get to ask those questions to the Big Guy one day. unlike me, He has all the answers. maybe we will get to see why He chose to do the things He did and we'll get to see all the good that came from it. and maybe, maybe...we won't even have to ask. maybe it will all be clear the moment we see His face.
so tonight, in my own bedtime routine, i will wash my face and brush my teeth. i will put too much blistex on my lips because i'm addicted and a little less facial cream because it feels sticky. i will turn my sound machine on and i will lay my head down. every night is about the same, yet a little different.
tonight i will thank God for knowing all the answers. i will thank Him for His personal relationship with me and that i had an opportunity to grasp it at the time that i did. i will thank Him for inquisitive children who keep me on my toes...and on my knees.
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| if you are wondering where echo is in these pictures...she is in bed 30 minutes before so that we can wrangle these hoodlums. Divide and conquer, right? |
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
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