Friday, November 23, 2012

A True Story of a Girl and A Bird

The boys each made a turkey
hat at school and Zane
brought these leaves home
to "make me smile".

last year, our thanksgiving consisted of a couple of phone calls to home and delivery pizza.  heath and i did not talk about it that day, but later we discussed how it was one of our saddest and loneliest days that we can remember.  the day was tough enough, as it was, but once we'd called home and heard family members in the background, knowing full well all the love and yumminess that surrounded them, we felt...well, lonely.  a lump somehow formed in my throat that i couldn't get down.  why didn't we take the time to do something special on that day?  i will never know, but we didn't.  and, i think, we are actually stronger for it.

this year, i spent much of the day wednesday in preparation for thanksgiving on thursday.  the kids would be in school and heath would be at work, but by golly....we were going to have thanksgiving when everyone came home!  i had some recipes (old and new), a couple of pots and pans to cook with (i had to buy a few more) and some determination.  thanksgiving will happen!



i felt pretty good until i bought the turkey.  i'd never cooked one before, didn't know the first thing on what to do with one.  i cried as i carried the turkey home from the grocery store.  i'm not sure why i cried.  i mean, i was laughing too.  here i was, carrying three heavy bags from the grocery store, most of which i knew nothing to do with, i was alone, it was raining and i knew that the time would soon come when i had to take off the clear plastic wrap around this turkey and come face to face with it.  overwhelmed and "skeered" is putting it mildly.  to be honest, i don't do well with raw meat.  not well at all.  heath has been the one, for years, to prepare anything that once was alive.  it's just not my thing.  if it once breathed or had blood coursing through it's veins, i'm not touching it until it has had some quality time in an oven or on a grill!

watching you-tube and trying to figure out
what to do with the bird.
so you can imagine my shock, when, not only was this bird dead, raw and naked, but it still had a few hairs and feathers left in it.  i could see tiny spots of red (blood) in places....and it smelled....raw...oh, please Lord, just get me through this.  it may sound silly to pray about cooking a bird, but i did anyway.  after all, no one wants to find mama passed out on the kitchen floor upon returning home on thanksgiving day.

before i knew it, i found myself up to my elbows (literally) underneath that bird's skin with butter and herbs.  if i thought looking at the raw bird was tough, imagine how i was when peeling skin from the bird to season it.....gulp, yep, peeled that skin right up from that beast and shoved seasoned butter all up in there!  when i say that i broke a full sweat and closed my eyes during this part...i am not exaggerating at all.  i think i gagged a bit and even shed a tear.  dramatic?  maybe.  truth?  absolutely.  ashamed?  not one bit.

after quality bonding time between me and mr. turkey.


i'm not sure how many times i laughed and cried throughout the day, but it was often, and sometimes a lot.  it was me and the bird in that tiny kitchen with a lot of ingredients and a whole lot of mess.  i swear there were moments i could hear my relatives, namely my grandma, aunt mary and mama all cooking and talking in years past.  i could feel them cheering me on.  today was my right of passage, i felt.  my test.  and i was taking the bull by the horns...or the turkey by the thighs...

i thought about thanksgivings when i was a child and how they use to be, so easy, so fun, so carefree.  i thought about them now, challenging, exciting, nerve wracking.  i thought about them in the future, when my girls are in the kitchen with me, helping and laughing, talking and sharing.  my boys doing their boy thing...whatever that will be.  judging by their father, they will probably be helping as well and picking on me each step of the way.  they will lighten my mood and charm me into keeping a smile on my face.  undoubtedly, they will all drive me nuts to the point that i will yell at them and they will all have to leave the kitchen until dinner is served.

i worked, and i mean worked, in that kitchen from 10 am until 6 pm.  only stopping for about 45 minutes to shower and get clean for our guests.  we'd invited our sweet australian nanny, emma, to join us and our dear american friends, dustin and abby, to come over.  emma had never had thanksgiving before and didn't even know why we celebrated.  it was so exciting to "teach" her how to properly devour a plate (or two) of food!

the house smelled amazing, just like i remember thanksgiving smelling.  the food was prepared, the turkey, only slightly blackened due to the fact that i'd not converted my european oven from celsius to fahrenheit.  when i say the odds were stacked against me on this dinner, i'm not kidding, degrees are not the same and measurements are not the same over here.  you would think that i would have been doomed.  turkey by the thighs, remember....?  i was digging in deep.  i was going to win this battle.


my masterpiece.  a bit crispy in spots, but tasty,
no doubt!

heath blessed the meal and we all sat down to eat.

and then i began to see why my grandmother, my aunt, my mama, my mother-in-law...and every woman goes to great lengths to prepare a meal on thanksgiving day...now i understood the feeling that each one of them have in that moment.  that moment when everything is done.  everyone is seated, everyone is slamming food, laughing, talking, oohing and ahhing.  children are complaining, yucking and picking through the strange new foods.  in this case, zane was projectile vomiting....no kidding.  i'd forced him to try some sweet potato souffle and he jack-boxed all in his seat and plate.....(sigh).  whatever.  it was a minor glitch.  my moment of happiness was too good to let that get in my way.

but now i know why these women (and some men) work so hard on this day to prepare such a huge meal.  now i know what it feels like to be so dog-tired from cooking, that the taste of each bite is like a little piece of a prize.  now i know.  and it felt really great.  i may still be beaming today from the excitement and pride over having friends and family sit down together to enjoy dinner and company with one another.  dinner that had been prepared with each one of them in mind.

later that night, i called my mom, "mama!  you would have been so proud of me!  i did so good!"  suddenly i felt 6 years old again...time reversed back 30 years in a matter of seconds.  i was able to be the kid for just a moment.  and then it passed as quickly as it came.  we discussed briefly our day, she and my dad were at my brother's house and finishing up their own meal.  it sounded like they were having fun and enjoying their time.  this year, i didn't feel that lump in my throat.  this year, we'd had thanksgiving.  and a really good one, in fact.  we had done it....and we had done it well!

this thanksgiving was very different in a lot of ways.  i will look back on it with true happiness.  i had a great day.  a memorable day.  we will never have another thanksgiving quite like the one we had this year.  next year will be new and different in its own way.

don't let any of this fool you.  i'll be home for Christmas.  and you can bet your bottom that i will not be preparing a full meal.  i'm happy to bring a few souffles or desserts but please don't ask me to touch a raw, naked turkey any time soon.


 their preparations for dinner.
heath sleeping, boys playing leapster,
girls watching
cartoons. 

gravy, sweet potato souffle', broccoli casserole
and stuffing.  (not shown: mashed potatoes,
mac and cheese, and cranberry relish)

zane:  just before he vomited.

cutting onions.
first picture i took and sent to heath at
around 10 am.  it's not pretty,
but hard work never is!

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  
1 Thessalonians  5:8
it's a little blurry and difficult to see the little ones
 but it was worth putting it on here to remember the day!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Eyes Wide Open

there is something i've been secretly praying about for over a month now.  it's something that is always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart.  especially for the last several years.  it's something that will sometimes surface to the front of my mind and the top of my heart.  and when it does...

it burns.

it hurts.

i can't shake it.

i can't scratch the itch.

nothing seems to put my mind and heart at ease until...

i decide...

 i go...

i do...

i'm talking about mission work.  i'm talking about those little cambodian faces that have pierced my soul like nothing else can and maybe never will.  i'm talking about going out into the trenches and actually getting dirty for Jesus.  really dirty, really sweaty, really tired, really down and dirty for the One who got down and dirty for me over 2000 years ago.

being here in london for the last year and half has kept me away from some of the things that I'm most passionate about.  children and moms in need.  i've not been able to go to cambodia for the last 2 years now.  and part of that is because i brought home a little asian nugget of my own.  i have serious mission work to do right within my own home!

but just as i felt many years ago, there is a nagging.  a feeling.  a pain inside of me.  it pulls me.  it grips me.  it shakes me.

i've lightly prayed about going back to visit cambodia but lately i've prayed a little more intently about it.  it's not an easy decision to make, after all.  i have a family here to care for.  i have a husband who works and travels full time.  i have children who go to school.  i have a toddler who needs to know her mommy.  it is not easy to up and leave for 10 days.  it takes planning, it takes time, it takes money.  it takes commitment.  it takes a lot.  to leave my brood for that amount of time and to a country that is so far away....it's scary to me.  it takes me beyond my comfort zone.  the travel is relentless.  the time away from my own children is suffocating.  i have so much that i would be leaving behind, so many blessings that i want to stay home and take care of.  to enjoy.

but if i do go?  the reward?  oh, the reward...there is nothing like being part of a team who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of over 40 orphan children.  to touch the faces of such precious faces.  to rattle the hearts of a bunch of kids thousands of miles away.  there are no words for what the reward feels or looks like but it is real and it is powerful and it keeps calling me back to serve.

a few months ago i started to realized that we will be living back in the states soon and i will be able to be a part of another missions team.  i could have the chance to go back to cambodia.  and then i read a book, "Kisses from Katie" that is written by a girl who, at the age of 18, gave everything up and moved to Uganda to work with the children there.

the beast inside me started to awaken....

i could go.  i could serve.

no.  i can't give it all up.  and i don't want to.  i have beautiful children of my own and a fantastic husband that i adore.  i'm not being asked to give it all up.  i'm not being asked for all.  i'm being asked for a little.  some.

i began to more-than-half-way pray about it.  my fear keeps me from fully praying about it.  i mean, i kinda just want to get back to the states and relax.  kick my feet up and enjoy.  but that may not be the answer for me.  i told heath, "i'm not me unless i'm serving somehow or some way."  and he knows this probably better than anyone.  i mean, he's the one that has to step off to the side of the street while I chit-chat with David, my homeless buddy, in the evenings after date night.  he's the one who has to run through the house trying to find items to give to a young girl in russia who is pregnant and homeless.  and he was certainly by my side as we decided together to take in the craziest, cutest little baby girl in all of china and bring her home to live with us!  he's been there through it all.  he knows!

we were on a date about a month ago and heath got up to go to the restroom.  i took a moment to give thanks for all that i have in my life.  and i looked down to see a card on the table.  the front of it said, "talk to me".  it was a little conversation starter for your date, i guess, but i immediately took it as God saying, "talk to me.  tell me what you are feeling.  tell me your heart.  just get it out there."






i turned the card over to see that, on the back, it said, "use me again and again."  and my heart smiled.  because if God was asking me to talk to him.  i would do so, but He just got His answer.



use me again and again.

so this is what i prayed;

if there is a need, let me help.  if there is pain, let me see it.  if You want me, ask me.  use me over and over again.

to some of you i may sound like a total whack-job.  i mean, come on.  this was a coincidence that the card was on the table at that time.  but i don't believe in coincidences.  i believe everything happens for a purpose.  a reason.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

i prayed for God to open my eyes to the needs that i can help with here and now and to help me be who i am called to be.  me.  i need to be me.  and i'm not me without Him.

the next few weeks unfolded to show me areas where we could give financial, verbally, and prayerfully, i was shown ways that we could give of our time and our resources.  i was asked to be a prayer warrior for a friend going to cambodia in november.  he is there now, actually...and yes, i used the word prayer warrior which sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of you.  but let me tell you, when you've been praying for something on your own and you feel like you are fighting a battle on your own, when you feel helpless but you know it's not hopeless, whether it be infertility, cancer, mission trips, job loss, house issues, family struggles...the list is endless.  when you ask for others to pray and you see the changes made in the situation, you see how God makes changes in the people, you see prayers being answered...you begin to believe that there might just be something to those prayer warriors.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.  Matthew 18:20

having these needs come to my attention allowed me to see again.  my eyes just opened up.  eyes wide open.  and there are still needs that are popping up.

use me again and again.

has this quenched my thirst for missions in other countries?  i don't think so.  i will continue to pray for an answer to that.  sometimes when we don't hear Him, it's not because it's a "no", it might be because it's a  "not now".  i don't know what He is telling me at the moment.  but He has me busy with other things that are filling my heart with happiness and satisfaction.  for that, i am grateful.  i am (almost) content.  i know the little beast inside me is resting for now, but she will awaken once again.  she will request to be the hands and feet of God to children across the world who have very little.  she will want to go into the trenches and get down and dirty.

for now, i will do what i can, where i can, when i can.  and i will pray for more.  because the fire burns too hot, the pain cuts too deep, and the itch insists on being scratched.  my eyes are open and i refuse to close them.

Our three cambodian babies who call me Mom.
Philib, Vandam, and Nat in 2010. 


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

When In Rome!




We all know the full saying is "When in Rome, do as the Romans do".  But what does that actually mean?  Where did it come from?  Why do we say that?

The phrase developed from the following incident:
When St. Augustine arrived in Milan, he observed that the Church did not fast on Saturday as did the Church at Rome. He consulted St. Ambrose, bishop of Milan, who replied: "When I am at Rome, I fast on a Saturday; when I am at Milan, I do not. Follow the custom of the Church where you are." The comment was changed to "When they are at Rome, they do there as they see done," by Robert Burton in his Anatomy of Melancholy. Eventually it became, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

So now that you have that useless knowledge, I will go on with my blog.  I could not help my inner nerd coming out after this trip.  It was fascinating to see such history, such brilliance, such remarkable architecture and LIFE in this city.  It has been the most educational trip I've been on at this point and I was so thrilled to have my four hoodlums there to learn along with me!

I did not know what to expect, going into this trip.  I knew it was an old city.  I knew the historical and biblical Romans dwelled there over 2000 years ago, but I don't think I really put that into perspective until we were actually there.  Walking on the same soil, inside the Colosseum, where fights took place, where crucifixions, punishments and parties thrived!  The fact that something of such magnitude and beauty was built to endure so many years of use.  It's astonishing that human hands worked without technology or machinery to build this.  It was  a great reminder of how intelligent and productive the human brain and hand can be.  It was inspiring beyond words.  I'm glad my children, namely Maddox, was there to ask the guide so many questions.  Because the tour rendered me speechless.


The kids were FANTASTIC on this trip!  I was so proud of them and enjoyed (almost) every moment with them.  I could have done without a few of Echo's tantrums and the tad bit of the whining...and definitely the amount of bathroom trips (just think of tiny bladders times 5.  Heath is the only camel in our family, the rest of us have to pee at the most inopportune times.)  I can honestly say that I know what every toilet in every building that we entered looked like.  Sometimes I would see that same bathroom, 2-4 times in one hour.  You laugh and you think I'm exaggerating.  I'm not.

I was prepared for the crazy nonsense of the kids.  I had come with wet-wipes, a portable toilet seat, hand sanitizer and sassy spray all packed in a bag.  (what is sassy spray?  half vinegar, half water in a tiny spray bottle.  it tastes terrible but it works immediately when timeouts are not an option....and, well, vinegar is actually good for you so I consider it a nutritional supplement for the misbehaving child.)  I was fully ready for what was going to come my way.  I'm not sure that Heath was prepared.  As one of the most patient...actually, THE most patient man I've ever known, his patience level was put to the test countless times.  On the first morning, we went down to a really fancy breakfast.  The kids were not only giddy with excitement but they were hungry and a little tired too.  Put that together and it makes for an ugly mix.  Echo was constantly saying, "eat, eat, eat, Echo eat?"  unsure why we had left our hotel room and not fed her, she wanted to make sure we understood she did not get her breakfast.  Zane, for the second time, bit into his drinking glass and shards of glass had to be extracted from his mouth and Reese and Maddox had their twin thing going on.  Those two get so silly with one another that there is no stopping them.  We only try to contain them.  This first morning pretty much set up how the rest of our mornings would go, just give or take a few incidents.  One thing remained constant.  Heath did not once have a hot cup of coffee and there was at least once, maybe twice, that he ate alone because one or two (or four) had to go to the bathroom.  It can be a lonely life when you are a camel.

St. Peter's Basilica
One of the MANY times I asked them to get together for
a picture.  And this is what I would get.  Really?
Picture at Trevi Fountain just before kids climbed the rock
and were asked by Roman police to step down.  

Our guide.  When we were leaving, Maddox told him,
"text me or email me if you want to talk again."


After spending 3 days in Italy, we boarded a flight to Sicily.  Ahhhhhh, if Rome was educational and face-paced and exhausting, Sicily was the complete opposite.  (Well, except for the mornings during breakfast time.)  We went to our beautiful resort and did NOT leave for 5 days!  It was warm and beautiful and relaxing.  Not only did I not learn a darn thing in those 5 days, but I'm not sure that I even used my brain.  I think that I am starting to understand why the people in big cities get so excited over "holidays".  The mind, body and spirit need to get away from the noise and chaos sometimes.  The nostrils need to breath fresh air.  The eyes desire to see the vastness of hills, seas, oceans, and/or land in order to clear minds.  

Could go down as one of my favorite pictures of Echo.  

This is the classic "head lock" that Zane performs
whenever I ask him to be in a picture with Echo.

Yes, I realize it's blurry.  Maddox wanted to take a picture.
I wanted a picture of Heath and myself with a cool background.
Echo forced her way in.
I ended up loving the photo.



"Get together for a picture!"
Really?

"Hey, you guys get together for a picture!"
Really?

It was a trip to remember!  Endless days of pizza and pasta, amazing sights, adventure and fun.  I sometimes wonder how we will look back on these trips.  Because I already view them as being really cool, exceptionally fun, unthinkably exhausting and sometimes down right insane.  I'm not sure what business we have traveling with this mad bunch, but we do it, it's fun and it's really, really funny.

Heath, one day, you and I will be sitting together, alone, on our screened porch, overlooking our backyard and drinking our really hot cups of coffee together.  We'll be dreaming of the good 'ole days, when we didn't have time for ourselves to eat breakfast.  We will reminisce over when we couldn't drink our hot coffee.  We will think of these trips and laugh (and cry) over the memories made with this crazy crew.  And if, by chance, we begin to talk and reminisce so much that your coffee becomes cold, I will gladly go and warm it back up for you.  But for now, let's enjoy our cold coffee, the constant bathroom breaks, sassy sprayed mouths, and relentless silly, giddy, inappropriate conversations with our kids.  We both know this trip would not have been the same without them.  This trip to Italy and this crazy trip of a life.

Beyond blessed.