Eyes Wide Open

there is something i've been secretly praying about for over a month now.  it's something that is always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart.  especially for the last several years.  it's something that will sometimes surface to the front of my mind and the top of my heart.  and when it does...

it burns.

it hurts.

i can't shake it.

i can't scratch the itch.

nothing seems to put my mind and heart at ease until...

i decide...

 i go...

i do...

i'm talking about mission work.  i'm talking about those little cambodian faces that have pierced my soul like nothing else can and maybe never will.  i'm talking about going out into the trenches and actually getting dirty for Jesus.  really dirty, really sweaty, really tired, really down and dirty for the One who got down and dirty for me over 2000 years ago.

being here in london for the last year and half has kept me away from some of the things that I'm most passionate about.  children and moms in need.  i've not been able to go to cambodia for the last 2 years now.  and part of that is because i brought home a little asian nugget of my own.  i have serious mission work to do right within my own home!

but just as i felt many years ago, there is a nagging.  a feeling.  a pain inside of me.  it pulls me.  it grips me.  it shakes me.

i've lightly prayed about going back to visit cambodia but lately i've prayed a little more intently about it.  it's not an easy decision to make, after all.  i have a family here to care for.  i have a husband who works and travels full time.  i have children who go to school.  i have a toddler who needs to know her mommy.  it is not easy to up and leave for 10 days.  it takes planning, it takes time, it takes money.  it takes commitment.  it takes a lot.  to leave my brood for that amount of time and to a country that is so far away....it's scary to me.  it takes me beyond my comfort zone.  the travel is relentless.  the time away from my own children is suffocating.  i have so much that i would be leaving behind, so many blessings that i want to stay home and take care of.  to enjoy.

but if i do go?  the reward?  oh, the reward...there is nothing like being part of a team who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of over 40 orphan children.  to touch the faces of such precious faces.  to rattle the hearts of a bunch of kids thousands of miles away.  there are no words for what the reward feels or looks like but it is real and it is powerful and it keeps calling me back to serve.

a few months ago i started to realized that we will be living back in the states soon and i will be able to be a part of another missions team.  i could have the chance to go back to cambodia.  and then i read a book, "Kisses from Katie" that is written by a girl who, at the age of 18, gave everything up and moved to Uganda to work with the children there.

the beast inside me started to awaken....

i could go.  i could serve.

no.  i can't give it all up.  and i don't want to.  i have beautiful children of my own and a fantastic husband that i adore.  i'm not being asked to give it all up.  i'm not being asked for all.  i'm being asked for a little.  some.

i began to more-than-half-way pray about it.  my fear keeps me from fully praying about it.  i mean, i kinda just want to get back to the states and relax.  kick my feet up and enjoy.  but that may not be the answer for me.  i told heath, "i'm not me unless i'm serving somehow or some way."  and he knows this probably better than anyone.  i mean, he's the one that has to step off to the side of the street while I chit-chat with David, my homeless buddy, in the evenings after date night.  he's the one who has to run through the house trying to find items to give to a young girl in russia who is pregnant and homeless.  and he was certainly by my side as we decided together to take in the craziest, cutest little baby girl in all of china and bring her home to live with us!  he's been there through it all.  he knows!

we were on a date about a month ago and heath got up to go to the restroom.  i took a moment to give thanks for all that i have in my life.  and i looked down to see a card on the table.  the front of it said, "talk to me".  it was a little conversation starter for your date, i guess, but i immediately took it as God saying, "talk to me.  tell me what you are feeling.  tell me your heart.  just get it out there."

i turned the card over to see that, on the back, it said, "use me again and again."  and my heart smiled.  because if God was asking me to talk to him.  i would do so, but He just got His answer.

use me again and again.

so this is what i prayed;

if there is a need, let me help.  if there is pain, let me see it.  if You want me, ask me.  use me over and over again.

to some of you i may sound like a total whack-job.  i mean, come on.  this was a coincidence that the card was on the table at that time.  but i don't believe in coincidences.  i believe everything happens for a purpose.  a reason.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

i prayed for God to open my eyes to the needs that i can help with here and now and to help me be who i am called to be.  me.  i need to be me.  and i'm not me without Him.

the next few weeks unfolded to show me areas where we could give financial, verbally, and prayerfully, i was shown ways that we could give of our time and our resources.  i was asked to be a prayer warrior for a friend going to cambodia in november.  he is there now, actually...and yes, i used the word prayer warrior which sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of you.  but let me tell you, when you've been praying for something on your own and you feel like you are fighting a battle on your own, when you feel helpless but you know it's not hopeless, whether it be infertility, cancer, mission trips, job loss, house issues, family struggles...the list is endless.  when you ask for others to pray and you see the changes made in the situation, you see how God makes changes in the people, you see prayers being answered...you begin to believe that there might just be something to those prayer warriors.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.  Matthew 18:20

having these needs come to my attention allowed me to see again.  my eyes just opened up.  eyes wide open.  and there are still needs that are popping up.

use me again and again.

has this quenched my thirst for missions in other countries?  i don't think so.  i will continue to pray for an answer to that.  sometimes when we don't hear Him, it's not because it's a "no", it might be because it's a  "not now".  i don't know what He is telling me at the moment.  but He has me busy with other things that are filling my heart with happiness and satisfaction.  for that, i am grateful.  i am (almost) content.  i know the little beast inside me is resting for now, but she will awaken once again.  she will request to be the hands and feet of God to children across the world who have very little.  she will want to go into the trenches and get down and dirty.

for now, i will do what i can, where i can, when i can.  and i will pray for more.  because the fire burns too hot, the pain cuts too deep, and the itch insists on being scratched.  my eyes are open and i refuse to close them.

Our three cambodian babies who call me Mom.
Philib, Vandam, and Nat in 2010.