No no, Echo, no no!

NO echo! it's the most common phrase we hear around this house these days. someone is constantly telling this poor child "no"! and i'm the first to admit that i say it a lot. "no, no, echo, don't touch mommy's make-up. no, no. don't throw your food. no, no, no whining. no hitting. no tantrums. no, no, echo." she is right at that age, 18 months, where she can't use words and it is beyond frustrating for us all. she wants something, feels the need to do something and yet...she can't get the words out. and what makes me want to climb the wall is when she does something that she KNOWS is a no, looks up with those huge almond brown eyes....and shakes her head no. and then does it again. all of my children have gone through this stage and age. they all have. i will say, that echo has made me the craziest. why? didn't i know this was coming? she is from an orphanage for heaven's sake! she was there only four months ago! seriously. what was i thinking!? did i think that she was going to have the best behavior of all my four?

i knew going into this adoption that our dynamics would change. i knew that zane would become a big brother, reese and maddox would be the REALLY big kids and heath and i, well, we'd have four kids and not three. dynamics. i knew they would change. i knew that things would also change once we moved out of the country, sweet USA, and into the big city of London. i knew things would change. but did i? did i really know that things would change so much? and the fact that i felt the changes, what is echo feeling? within about 2 months, she went from china, to america, to the united kingdom. that's enough to freak anyone out, much less a little baby orphan girl. (no longer an orphan, however....no longer an orphan).

my days, when the kids are all home, consist of a lot of tears, a lot of yelling, refereeing, putting some in corners, trying to read with others, listening to three talk AT me at once. am i the only mom whose children talk AT her? i can't be. there have to be other moms whose children talk AT them instead of TO them. my children just start talking. they don't even know if i'm listening. they just talk. all of them. the same time. some moments, i forget what my own voice sounds like in my head because all i hear is 4 kids coming at me with words that i don't understand. heath even said at dinner the other night, "no one say mommy again for the rest of dinner, if you need anything, say "daddy"". IMMEDIATELY after he said that, i heard reese's tiny voice...."daddy".....they just don't stop. i'm exhausted thinking about it.

even bed time has gotten out of whack. and if you know me, you know, you know, when it's bed time....it is. bed. time. we have had effortless nights for years because of this. and we still do, but there is a baby...a sweet and crazy little baby, that you can hear some nights when we put her down. and she is crying. crying for what, we don't know. and when either of us go in to check on her, we get that numb look from her, "what are you doing in here, why are you looking at me". heath has actually gotten to her a little bit. he's good at rubbing her belly and gently talking to her. she is quiet after that some nights. she wakes at night crying out, she wakes in the morning, crying. i don't get it. teething? adjusting? sick? scared? lonely? confused? what is it? when will it stop? is this the same little girl that we marveled over how much she was like our others?  bed time beauty (for the most part). she was effortless. almost perfect in our eyes. her sleeping habits were spot on...not any more.

and i won't even go into how this has affected Zane and his night time potty issues. oh my! i don't understand what happened to this little guy that was doing so well at night and staying dry. i've cleaned more of his sheets in the last 6 weeks. wee hours of the night. some days i feel as though i've gone back to the days of when my twins were infants. the lack of sleep made me crazy!...okay, maybe it's not that bad these days after all. the twin infancy days put this to shame.

i have to be honest, there are still more days than not, that i wonder if i'm really cut out for this. what was i thinking? four kids? some of you reading this may have 5 children, 7 children. you may even be a Dugger family member and think that i'm pathetic. who knows. but it's all relative. and we handle things differently. i love cleanliness, i love order. i love the cleanliness and order so that i can be dirty and disorderly. but on my own terms! when there are four small children, everything is on their terms. do i sound whiney yet?

there are moments when i want to look up and say, "Hey God, remember me? i'm still here, living this life. and it feels a little out of control, where are You in all of this?" thankfully, even when i have those painful thoughts and feelings, i know He is there. i feel a million miles away from Him some days. and although i'm embarrassed to admit it, i feel the need to admit that i feel lost some days. lately, most days. i don't know what God is going to do with all of this chaos, how He is going to make it beautiful, or what purpose it will serve. i'm convinced that it will be all of these things.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



but right now, i feel like a fish out of water, a girl in a big city, a child learning a lesson. while i'm constantly telling echo "no", am i listening enough to hear if and when God tells me "no"?   or am i too busy being Queen Mommy to stop and hear what's really being said? i'm not sure.

i guess what i haven't yet realized and i'm just now realizing, is that she finally feels comfortable with us. maybe that's it. and then, maybe there is no explanation. maybe she is simply a toddler and i need to get over it and go with the flow.