Kept. Forever.

there is a strange and common occurrence happening around the house that drives me absolutely crazy these days.  makes me nuts.  sends me over the edge at times, causes me to take a step back and breathe before doing the unthinkable....

what is this unthinkable thing, you ask?

...throwing paper away.

paper.

so why would it be difficult to throw paper away?

let me explain:

my children are in the beginning stages of writing.  reese especially loves to write letters to heath and me.  she wants us to "keep them forever".  she draws us pictures, cuts out hearts, shapes, tiny little shreds of paper that she claims is a work of art.  a piece well deserving of being kept and loved, hung up on the wall, refrigerator, for all to see.  every piece.  every scrap.  she does not want to waste a bit.

today, i was cleaning out their rooms, their closets, my desk, the kitchen.  i kept coming across these tiny pieces of paper.  and just as i would be about to toss it, i would think, "how could i toss this?  her tiny hands made it.  she gave it as a gift.  she wants it to be kept.  forever."  i began to put all of these pieces together and pile them up.  several loads are in her closet now for her to sift through, find later, and give to  us again as a "new" creation of hers.  there may be a few that she asks about, "mommy, where is that tiny little piece of paper that I made into a bear, and named it Teddy?  i gave it to you along with the heart that i colored pink and put tiny dots on it..."  oh, i hope she does not have that great of a memory of some of those pieces....

she  will work for long periods of time on these papers.  cutting, coloring, shaping and shifting, folding, holding....oh, paper!  i find tiny little strips in random corners.  sometimes she reminds me of Edward Scissorhands.  she just keeps cutting, paper is flying, she doesn't give a care where the pieces land but, by golly, she thinks EVERY LAST PIECE is special!

i find little notes around the house.

Dear Mommy...


Dear Daddy...


these tiny little strips of paper should be so easy to throw away, but i find myself stopping my cleaning, stopping my scurried moment to read and reread those tiny little words on those tiny little sheets of paper.  my writer.

i have children that can write.  and read.  i say this in disbelief.  little writers.  little readers.  it's remarkable to me.  to watch them grow and change.  these tiny, 4 lb babies have come so far.

and to some, these tiny scraps are just that.  scraps.  scraps that could easily be tossed and never thought of again.  but for me, even if/when i do toss some little masterpiece away, i have a pang of guilt.  sadness.  how could i throw it away!?  deep inside of me though, i know that i can't keep all these things or you would see me, in 10 years, on Hoarders.

being a child of God, it makes me wonder how many times i've handed Him something.  some tiny strip of paper.  maybe it was a piece that i worked really hard on, maybe it was a piece that i picked up from the rubble of paper and handed it to Him as a "gift", hoping that it was enough to please Him for the moment.  how does He see these tiny pieces that i give Him?  i think it all depends on the giver, not necessarily the gift.

was it genuine?  did it matter to me?  was it something i intended for Him?  or did i give Him the leftovers?  because i know that He wouldn't want the leftovers.  but He would certainly take any tiny piece He could get, as long as it was meant for Him.  as long as the intentions were true and heartfelt.

lately, i feel as though i've given Him my tiny pieces that have fallen to the floor.  the leftovers.  i know it's not enough.  i know He wants more.  He wants my masterpieces.  He wants me to put some effort into these tiny "sheets of paper".  He certainly put some effort into me.  into us.  He thinks we are amazing masterpieces.  and we are.  it was easy for Him to "whip us up".  to create each one of us.  but He did it with such precision and love.  such sincerity and joy.  He whipped each one of us up with great intent.  great purpose.

am i serving that purpose?

i'm working on it.  i work on it all the time.  and sometimes i have to stop and be redirected on my purpose.  because i forget.  i get sidetracked.  i get a little lost.

and then i refocus.

and there He is.

my Purpose.

i will continue to wrestle with myself on whether or not to throw these tiny pieces of art away.  i hope that i will continue to find tiny little love letters strewn about the house.  one can never tire of tiny love letters from a child.  especially when it's your own.

however, i want to get better at my own "art".  i don't want to leave tiny little pieces for God.  I want to give Him my best.  my masterpieces.   i'll stumble along at times but i'll always get back on track.

and anyway, sometimes when we stumble, it makes it all the better for when He carries us through.

and rest assured, once we give our masterpieces to him.  once we hand ourselves over to Him.

and we are His.

we will be kept.

forever.