we've been in london now for around 8 months. i'm not sure if that feels like a long time or a short time. a little bit of both, i guess. there are things about living here that i love (the adventure and travel!!!) and things that i'm not so crazy about (the hustle and bustle of getting the kids to and from places and heath's crazy work schedule/travel). it's been an adjustment. the first three months were pretty difficult, the next couple of months were a little better. and after learning my way around, understanding the culture a little better and braving new areas, it became even better. these last couple of months have been a little bit of both, "difficult" and a "little better".
the children talk about America often. they ask questions about if we remember certain things (as if we could forget). they want to know when we will go back, will we go back to stay forever, will we get to see friends and family members. it's fun to talk to them about all of these things but it can also be little sad at times. we all love home so much. we are enjoying our days here but there is such a strong pull to be "home".
it's difficult to live life long distance. we are on different time zones, different weather patterns, different tv shows to talk about, different schools, different churches. there are so many differences that, although not really a big deal, after several months, becomes a little bigger.
there are people, friends and family, that i'm surprised that i have not kept in touch with more. the time difference is crazy. when i'm up and ready to make some phone calls in the morning, all of america is sleeping like babies (or my boot camp buddies are in the park working out at 5 am!) when there are important phone calls to be made, i have to make them after 8 pm over here when the children are in bed and i can actually HEAR the person i'm speaking with, which again, gets crazy because it's 3 pm in the states. who has time to chit chat at 3 pm. and even someone who could talk at this time would do circles in the conversation around me since my brain is MUSH by 8 pm.
we have a long distance plan that allows us to call at any time and talk for as long as we like. the bill is the same each month. many people have this sort of phone plan. it's nothing new and nothing fancy. it's nice, because it allows me the opportunity to call whenever, whomever, and however i like. so, why don't i call more?
long distance. it's not the price, it's all the other stuff that makes it difficult.
i noticed something else that has seemed long distance over here. God. i say that with complete hesitation because i know that it's not His fault that i feel so far away from Him. i know that it is all my fault and that hurts me deeply. i'm in that "place" right now, that sort of valley. you know, we have hills and valleys? yep, i'm in the valley. not a deep or desperate valley. but a valley. just a little one. the things that i valued so much are long distance right now, my church, my small group on monday nights, my family, my cambodia team members and the option to do mission work (the way that i'm use to). it's all so far away. so it's really no wonder that i've slipped into this "far away" feeling.
even my prayers feel far away. i like to describe my prayers as this: i pray them, silently. sometimes out loud. and they feel as though they can't leave the room. as if they are not heard. like they bounce off the ceiling. or the prayers just float up a little and then rest there, waiting to be heard at a later time. sometimes, i'll have a million things that i want to say, that i want to pray. and then when i start to speak, my words get jumbled, i start to fumble. and there i just sit.
the thing is, i know better than this. i know that God hears it all. i know that i have a long distance plan with Him as well. His plan is free of charge. i can call whenever i like and He'll always pick up, He'll always listen. even with this knowledge and full belief. full faith. i still feel far away.
it's my truest belief that we have the hills and valleys with good reason. it is with great certainty that God is at work, even in my weakness and my failure to communicate. God has these two years in His hands along with a gazillion more things that are thrown His way by all of us. and this time is important to Him, like all of time is. the way that i carry myself and the way that i serve during the fun travels (when it's easy to enjoy the good life and all the blessings) and the quiet lonely moments (when it's easy to have a pity party). regardless of my hill or valley, i know that He is there. i know that He is waiting, watching, listening, loving and holding me. all of us. God uses these valleys in all kinds of ways. i know this from experience in some of my deepest and darkest valleys in the years past. i wouldn't trade those valleys. i won't trade this one.
and so, while i'm living life long distance.
feeling so far away.
i will continue to wait,
watch,
listen,
love
and hold on to Him as well.
this valley will not last forever, nor will the hills. they come and go.
living life long distance is not easy. but it's where i am for the moment. and it's where i'll be for a little while. at least on the map. i'm in God's hands all the time so i know He is right with me.
the valleys are here for a reason.
i'll continue to enjoy my hills and embrace my valleys.
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
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