when i was around 5 years old, my brother and i were playing "war" in the back yard with a little boy that would come to our house after school some days. we'd not been playing very long when the boy threw a pine cone right at my face. it felt like the biggest, pointiest, pine-piniest, pine cone of them all. it hurt! i remember crying and knowing that there was blood, although i'm not sure how much, i'm thinking maybe it was only a scratch, but it felt like i was going to die.
while standing there crying, i remember my brother yelling at the boy. and with one swoop, my brother picked me up and carried me to the house to take me to my mother. while being carried, i remember feeling that it was worth the blood, worth the pain. my brother had never carried me before and, to my knowledge, had never taken up for me so aggressively. he was my hero in that moment.
my brother let me fight my own battles growing up. i think he knew that i was very willing and able to take a stand for myself. and i had a big mouth. he probably didn't want to get in the middle of anything that dealt with me and my drama. however, the times that i needed him, he would come to my aid. the day on the bus, when older kids were teasing me, he told them "shut-up and leave her alone." (which was a big deal since "shut-up" was a bad word in our household). the day that his friend was punching and picking on me a little too hard, my brother stepped in and told the kid to "lay off of her because she doesn't like that." and the time in college when his roommate and i dated for a while. we stopped dating but the guy still wanted to see me. my brother had to let him know he needed to back off and leave me alone. my brother was not the most aggressive but he never had to be. when he said something, they seemed to listen. not because they were afraid, but because they knew he was right.
these were such tiny and insignificant moments to anyone else, but to me, they are seared in my memory. my big brother was defending me. he was taking care of me. he was never dramatic about it, he would just say it like it was. simple. leave her alone.
we recently found out that my brother has hodgkin's lymphoma. a type of cancer. we do not yet know the stage or what actions need to be taken. but we all know that cancer is a very ugly word. it's a scary word. it's a word that has recently been pounding in my head like a constant jack hammer. it's a word, that, up until now, had not touched my closest family members. it was the word that lurked in corners, stalked others around me, but not yet teased one of my own.
i've spent days walking around half alive, half coma. i've composed myself at almost all times, but there are moments when the tears come out of nowhere.
like when i'm washing my hands and i think the children won't hear over the running water.
or when i shower and no one will notice the tears.
at night, muffled in my pillow.
after taking my children to school, the moment to breathe...and then cry.
the tears come at the most random times.
my mother said it best when she told me that we would take this news, get over the shock and the sadness and then we are all going to fight.
terry, i wish i had the biggest, pointiest, pine-piniest pine cone. i would throw that sucker right in the face of your cancer. i would tell cancer to leave you alone and to lay off of you. and i'm much more dramatic and hot-headed then you, so i would additionally scream and punch it. i'd probably even kick it in the nose.
i hesitated to write this today. my mind tells me not to think about it and not to talk about it and maybe it won't exist, maybe it will go away. but my faith and my belief in the power of prayer reminds me that God is always at work. there is power in prayer. i've experienced it, first-hand. i've seen what prayer can do. so i'm going to pray. i'm going to cry when i need to. i'm going to take comfort in the peace and understanding that my brother is in the greatest Hands of all.
and i'm going to look for a pine cone.
"As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength." Psalms 138:3
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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