The Aftermath

i used a pretty dramatic title for what i'm about to write.  the word aftermath is most commonly used after devastation.  i don't mean to offend anyone or downplay any sort of true devastation that any of you may have endured but it was the first word that came to my mind when i thought about writing this entry.  i looked up the meaning of the word and read the following:

n.
1.  A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune: famine as an aftermath of drought.
2.  A period of time following a disastrous event: in the aftermath of war.
3.  A second growth or crop in the same season, as of grass after mowing.

#3 looked fitting enough.  not so tragic, yet, to that crop that was harvested...well, devastation, right?  there are days that i feel as though i'm living in the aftermath.  of war.  even though we've been through no sort of misfortune or disastrous event.  certainly not that of war, although you would think WWIII goes on some days in my home.  i've decided that the title still fits the point that i'm about to get to.  so let's get to it.

adoption is one of the coolest experiences i've ever been through.  one of the most selfish and unselfish things i've ever done.  selfish because i wanted another baby after already having 3 to love.  it seems excessive to take on a child when i'd already been blessed with three.  and selfless for the same reason mentioned before.

throughout the adoption process, 15 months, give or take a week, there was so much excitement.  we had so much anticipation, the thrill of the hunt kind of thing.  i would stalk blogs, read up on adoption websites, ask questions from already adopted parents and lots, i mean LOTS of sincere prayers.

and the homecoming was nothing short of amazing.  friends and family stood at the airport with signs, gifts, smiles and hugs waiting to be given.  it was a beautiful thing.

once we arrived home, there were days and weeks that friends came by, family called to check in, gifts continued to come, dinners brought over and so many other supportive and exciting events occurred.  it was a busy time for us all.  it was a whirlwind.  it was exhausting.  and it was fun!

skip ahead to today.  the aftermath.  the dust has had plenty of time to settle.  a picture is worth a thousand words, right?  well, it doesn't tell you everything.

pictures don't describe the crazy days of lessons being taught to a little girl who has already been through more of what most of us can only begin to imagine.  we are constantly trying to teach her lessons of love, battles with food, sharing, tantrums, rules and regulations.  lessons of acceptance.  it is a daily battle.  to say that she is strong willed is to put it mildly.  sometimes there is a fight every minute, from one thing to the next with her.  this was a battle that i thought i was fully ready to take on.  some days i feel as though i've completely failed this little girl.  other days i feel like i nailed it.  yep, just like i feel with all my other little ones.

when i'm alone with her, she can be totally different than when the other children are around.  it is a constant battle to remind her that i'm a mother of four.  not one.  she can be so precious one on one, but add in another, or three, and she fights for attention, demands to be held, struggles to be in the center of it all.

just like with all my other little ones, i have to teach her.  she's learning that mommy and daddy share our love to all four children.  we can hold one in our lap for a time and then we have time for another.  or, if that doesn't work out, i've been known to hold all four at one time.  while sitting, of course.  my arms stretch wide enough.

she is learning that tantrums get you nothing but a tantrum.

now that echo has tasted food besides congee, she fully enjoys the food that tastes GOOD and will protest anything that does not....another lesson, you eat what's on your plate.

she is learning that hitting is not accepted.  that, and biting.  pushing others or pulling hair.

i could go on.  the list is forever for a toddler, any toddler.  i'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.  it's a universal thing for a toddler to try and push the limits.  it's their job.  it's how they learn.  and she is learning!

but in all of this learning and all of this teaching, my mind, has more than once gone down that ugly, dark road.  the "What If..."  road.   what if we'd never adopted echo.  (and the eyebrows raise...huh!?)  because if we'd never adopted, life would be so much easier!  so much calmer!  we would not HAVE a toddler!  we would have three KIDS.  ohhhhh, the What If!

no more diapers
no more strollers
no more tantrums
no more naps
no more force feeding  (although we still have to force a veggie or two with our others!)
no more of this "baby" stuff that i'm SO OVER!  (keep in mind, i've been changing poopie diapers for 6 straight years now.)

but then.....

there would be no echo in our lives.

and that is not an option.  because like all the rest, she is my child.  she was hand-picked just for us.  whatever reason that we have been brought together, we are together.  forever.  and i can't see the future without her at this point.

i'm going fight the good fight.  and i'm going to win.


but she will win as well.  we all will.


and there will be an aftermath with this fight.  this battle.  this war.  except that we won't be picking up the pieces any longer when we get to that aftermath because we will have fought to put all the pieces together.  all of us.  the 6 of us, together.

put on your boxing gloves, echo.  let's fight this one out.