It's In My Memory

zane.  from the moment i met you, i was hooked.  your little puffy eyes, your square feet and tiny little toes, the way you melted into my arms the first time i held you.  you were a blast from the moment we found out that you were going to be born.  the shock and awe of our family and friends when we told them that we were pregnant after just having twins 14 months prior.  i feel like if i had the time to reminisce long enough, then i could conjure up every detail of what it felt like the day you were born.  my memory seems so clear.



last weekend we celebrated zane's 4th birthday.  the age 4 is one of my favorites.  children are still really young, they are super cute, their language is well developed and they say the BEST things!



some of my favorites:
"mommy, i want to hold you."
"i wuv you."
"can you snuggle me?"
"i want to kiss your wips."
"can i sweep wid you?"

zane has an amazing talent.  the boy can squeeze his way into your arms and into a perfect snuggle position without you even knowing it.  it's his favorite past time, to snuggle.  well, snuggling and making loud obnoxious noises...that's his other talent.  he just tucks himself right into, on top, under, around, through, behind, or in front of the person he wants to snuggle and he goes for it.  he claims that space as his own.  and if he has his lovie, raffie, with him, then he sticks those two middle fingers in and goes silent.  and to top it off, with the middle fingers in his mouth, it makes the "i love you" symbol with his hand!  it's awesome!  he's warm, silent and smells of "zane".  it's one of my favorite things.

just this past weekend we were scootering in the park sunday afternoon and we decided to get some ice cream.  the kids were silent as they devoured their ice creams.  after finishing our cones zane asked the question, "hey guys!  guess where all my ice cream is?"  heath and i both replied, "it's in your tummy!"  and zane said, "no, it's in my memory!!!"  we thought it was so funny and so clever for him to say such a thing that we both laughed.  yes, of course, that's where the ice cream is, in his memory!   duh!

already, i can look back, just over the past 4 quick years that have gone by and realize that time goes by in a blink.  it happens so quickly.  i look back at pictures and can remember the best of times.  i remember the happiness, the joy, the CRAZY moments, the love....oh those sweet tiny babies.   believe me, i can also remember the difficulty of it all as well.  the late nights, the early mornings, the lack of sleep, the whining, the crying.  the chaos.  the pandemonium.  but we all keep growing.  we are making our memories.  we are making them together.

each time we bring a child into our lives, they change us.  my children have made me stronger, quicker and more joyful.  though i wonder why it is that my weakness comes out so easily when i see them hurt or suffering, or why i feel so slow when they are moving circles around me and i just can't seem to catch up, or why my frustration comes out in quick sudden bursts.  they bring out the best in me and they bring out the worst.

little zane has only been in my life for 4 years.  how is it possible that life ever existed without him?  without any of them?  you know that question that parents ask themselves, "what did we DO with ourselves before we had kids!?"  well, actually, i can answer that one.  and life was really good...sleeping late, eating warm meals, cooking for two, late nights, endless conversations, doing what i wanted, pretty much when i wanted to.  yep, life was pretty good.

but truly, this is so much better.  i'll take the early mornings, the cold meals, cooking for what feels like 20 screaming monkeys, early nights because i'm so dog tired. broken, scattered, completely interrupted conversations with heath...and i'm doing what i want.  maybe not when i want to but it's certainly what i want.  these are our memories that we are making.

zane, i don't care how old you are or how big you get.  i will always want to hold you.  i will always want to kiss you.  you will always have a hold on me.  you will always melt my heart.  you are my baby.  you are in my memory.

I thank my God every time I remember you.  Philippians 1:3

Happy 4th bithday, Zane!!!