The Luckiest One

one year ago we held echo for the very first time.  two chinese nannies brought her through a curtain "door" and dropped her into my arms and walked away.  one year ago.  i remember it as if it were the birth of a child.  it was our day.  our moment.  our time.  only ours.  no one knows what we felt, except for the two of us.

every year when i awake to the birthday of one of my children, i have a bitter-sweet feeling.  that breath that i take that says, "ahh, we made it another year".  this year, on echo's second birthday, april 2, i tried to have that feeling.  i wanted it.  but it was different.  not any less special, not any less worthy than my other three.  but it was different.  and i could not put my finger on it.

this morning, our Gotcha Day, i woke up at 4 am and had the feeling.  that "ahh, we made it.  our first year".  today was the day that echo and i shared together.  our day.  the birth of "us", "we".  today was that day.  and i truly felt that bitter sweet feeling.  but with it came another feeling or thought.  i couldn't help but send up a prayer, a question.

"how did You pull all this together, Lord?  when did You begin to tie us together?  was it only last year?  was it the 15 months before when we started the adoption process?  was it during our years of infertility?  was it college, when i was completely interested and thrown for a loop with the whole "nature vs. nurture" concept?  when was it?  and why?  why her?  why us?  why me?"

i've gotten several comments over the last couple of years saying that echo is so lucky.  and she is.  she has 3 amazing siblings, a home, a family, a warm, soft bed at night, food to eat.  oh, she is very lucky.  but the thing that is so amazing is how lucky we are to have her.  she is bright, she is healthy, she is beautiful, she is sweet, she is funny, she is loving....she completed our family.  she was our missing link.

for several years before we brought echo home, i would see asian girls out and about.  some young, some adolescent, some older, some were even very old.  and i could not help but wonder, "where is my little girl?  does she look like you?  doe she act like you?  will i stare at her the way that i desperately want to stare at you right now?"

now that i have echo, i know what she looks like.  i know how she acts.  oh MY, do i know how she acts!  i know so many things about her.  i've caught myself several times in the city walking by an asian girl and smiling to myself.  i no longer have to wonder.  i no longer have to think.  i no longer have to ask the questions.  because i have her.  my girl.  my daughter.  she is home.  she is mine.  i get to watch her grow.  and with God's grace, i will get to watch her grow into that old woman.

lucky.  it's so difficult to hear sometimes.  she came from such an unlucky place with such an unlucky story.  but the day we met up a year ago, it turned around for the both of us.  for our whole family.  we became the luckiest of them all.  we found one another.

if you've ever considered adoption.  looked into the face of another and thought you could possibly love outside of your comfort zone, outside of your "own".  i encourage you to dig deep into your soul.  pray.  allow yourself to be guided.

echo is certainly one lucky girl.  reese, maddox and zane are lucky as well.  they all have one another, they have love in their family.  but i have to think that i am the luckiest.  the most blessed.  really, luck has nothing to do with it.  it is not by chance that we were put together.  it's all one big fat blessing.  and i have the biggest blessing of all.  an indescribable, incomparable, unimaginable kind of blessing.  a random little asian girl, and a random crazy caucasian family were knit together by The Big Guy, himself.  we came together and we are a family.  the luckiest and most blessed of all.

and now i'm off to bed.  because tomorrow is a new day, no longer our Gotcha Day.  just a regular old, crazy mad, insignificant, temper tantrum, food throwing, time-out sentencing, running around, ear piercing, tiring old day.  yep, it will be day one of our journey to reach our Gotcha Day anniversary number 2.  nothing so lucky about that....or is it?