you can disappear pretty easily in this city. it's not difficult. i do it almost every day. i walk out my front door, say "hello" the porters outside of my flat, i pass the starbucks baristas who wave to me and sometimes i pass a couple of familiar faces on their way to the gym. if it's raining or a lucky day, i may pass my homeless friend, david. but once i hit kensington high street and into that multicultural sea of faces, i'm just another speck on the street. and i kinda like it. actually, there are many days that i love it. don't get me wrong, i certainly miss running into any number of friends and family at target back home in the states, or seeing a friend drive by in their SUV with their windows rolled down taking their children to one of many places around marietta. i love all of that too. but sometimes it's nice to disappear. it's nice to be in the background. to be anonymous.
last week, i had a really good friend over with her children for a play date. i don't do a lot of play dates because my children live their lives in a constant play date. that's all they do, the four of them together. they play all day with one another. i cater to their needs of bathroom breaks/diaper changes, snack times, lunches, juices, organized playing and unorganized playing. yes, it's a constant play date around here. so when i do decide that we are going to actually have some friends over or go to their place, it's a big deal. i know it will change as they get older and more independent but right now, it's a family event, i go over with them, i stay while they play, then we all go home together. and sometimes, especially here, our play dates are a package deal...you invite one over and i might just have to bring all four! so little play dates can easily turn into big parties!
i was excited about this play date for good reason. not only do my children really enjoy the children coming over to play, but i adore the mother bringing them. it was a time for us to hang out and chat as well. i love a good chat with a good friend. and best of all, we laugh. i really love a good laugh so i was thrilled to have her over as well.
we've grown to be friends in the last year and i love the fact that i have a friend in this city. she, too, is from the states and living here for a couple of years so we have that in common. we have several things in common and we have several differences as well. as much as i adore my friends who i have everything in common with, i can also appreciate a good friend who i don't have everything in common with. one that can challenge me. and can be challenged by me. it helps me see myself more clearly and i really like that.
we've known of our differences for quite some time. little things, the obvious, she's taller with fantastic long legs and i'm....less tall. she's from the north, i'm from the south. and then there are the less obvious, i believe in Christ, she does not. we've had a couple of discussions over this and i'm always interested to hear her view of things. on the afternoon that she brought her girls over to play, i tried to do more listening than talking. goodness knows, i have a big mouth so i'm not sure how it all turned out from her view point but i wanted to hear her side of things. i wanted to know her thoughts, her heart. i wanted to know why someone who had grown up catholic all her life could turn from a Father who loves her more than she could ever know. had there been an occurrence? was it that she slowly left God or did she up and decide in one brief moment?
as it turns out, we have some different views on our faith. different views on the bible, different views all the way around when it comes to spirituality. this is a challenge for me because i'm not the most eloquent speaker. i don't have verses from memory that i can quote. and i'm not a history buff who can explain how the bible falls into our historic knowledge. how the two, history and the bible actually DO coincide with one another. and the idea of how science explains things vs. the bible. oh, don't even get me started...even though i've learned how they also coincide with one another...i still can't interpret it back. and i know several of my friends who can do any of these things, if not all of them. how i wish i had that gift but i end up fumbling over my words, wracking my brain for the right verse to share or staring blankly when history or science is brought up. it can be frustrating at times to know there are answers...and to not be able to give them.
these conversations have led me to do more thinking, more questioning of myself, my belief, my spirituality, my faith. and all of this has helped to draw me even closer to God lately. for that, i'm thankful to this dear friend.
one night last week, i was in the middle of my prayer and it hit me. the feeling that i just wanted to disappear from all of this. there is so much that i want to say. i haven't explained myself well to her, i haven't explained God well enough to her, i haven't done this...i haven't done that...i haven't.....it's all too difficult. it was in that moment i prayed to just disappear from the situation. and then i realized that, yes, i need to disappear so that God can be be more clear. i need to do less worrying and more trusting. i need to be still. be quiet. so i can hear. He will eventually answer in His own way. and i truly believe that when God answers our calls...He answers big. He answers mightily.
sometimes i get so caught up in what i'm doing, what i'm saying, how i'm doing it, when, where, why....that i don't trust that God is doing it all. yet again i realize that i can't lead. so why don't i just sit back and follow? wouldn't that be easier, wouldn't that be more fun actually? just follow God and stop taking control? to keep my eyes set on Him?
this city is a big beautiful sea of faces. i see them everywhere i go. there are moments when i feel bigger than life, having a blast, enjoying each moment, experiencing each new and exciting event. and there are moments when i feel so small, this world, this life is bigger than me. so much bigger. and i feel it especially here in london. i feel small. and then...there are moments when i feel as though i've done a disappearing act. i've completely vanished from it all. i'm not only one in a million, but i'm one in a zillion, one in a million-zillion...i'm too small to be noticed, too tiny to be seen. it's reassuring to know that i may be super tiny in this great big world, but i am amazingly, inconceivably, outrageously important and big in my Father's eyes. i am loved beyond measure. i'm heard and i'm seen at all times by a loving Father who wants desperately for me to see Him.
there are a lot of reasons why i love to disappear in this city. but i think my favorite is when i disappear and God appears. it's in my smallest, tiniest, weakest moments that He can be huge. so i think i'll stay tiny for a bit longer. i'll continue to listen and follow. i'll continue to love as unconditionally as my human heart can. and i'll give it over daily so that God to be huge.
"When you were in trouble, you called, and I saved you. I answered you with thunder".
Psalm 8:17
No comments:
Post a Comment