Have Mercy!

i am home with the children for the week.  heath is traveling.  so, this weekend, i've been full on.  tonight at dinner, i was running around, meeting the needs of the children.  reaching left and right to hand them the things they needed to begin their meal.  keep in mind, our london kitchen is tiny.  it's the size of our kitchen island back in the states!  the 3 older children sit up in bar stools while echo sits at a little table in a little chair.  i stand and eat.  but, it's probably better that way because every time i try to sit, someone needs something anyway.

as we were finishing eating, maddox spilled a huge cup of milk and immediately starts to say how sorry he is.  maddox has the most sensitive heart of any child i know.  he felt terrible.  as i saw the mess of the milk go all over him, all over the table, the chairs, the cabinets, the walls...even a bit went on zane!  i'm telling you, this cup must have bounced fifty times before it finally landed on the floor.  i stood there speechless, defeated, worn to a tither from the day's events of playing, disciplining, birthday partying (yes, i'd taken them to an outdoor birthday party in the park, heaven help me), cooking, cleaning....cleaning, cooking.  so i stood there.  speechless.  i took one look at maddox and told him he needed to get into the shower.  i marched him back to the bathroom, put him in the shower and told him to wash his whole body and i would come back for him.

as i was leaving, i could here him say, "even my hair!  ahhh, man!"

in the back of my mind i knew this was a complete accident.  he was sorry immediately.  i knew this, and yet, i still could not speak.  i was oddly calm which i think freaked maddox out even more.  all i could think about was how i was going to clean up all that milk!  i had gotten to the kitchen when i heard maddox yell out that he was done.  i knew there was NO way he had washed his body, even if it is a tiny body!  i ran back and asked him if he washed his entire body.  "yes" was his timid reply.  i asked if he'd washed his hair.  "yes" was, yet again, a very weak reply.

he was fibbing.  i turned into a cyclone at that moment.  i think my head, torso and legs went in three directions as i told him, yelled rather, that there was no way he'd washed and i knew that he was not telling the truth!  he started crying and then told the truth.  he had only gotten his body wet.

shocking.

i marched, stomped, back up to the kitchen and began to clean the mess as he remained in the shower to clean up his own "mess".  after he was finished, i told him to come up and watch me clean the rest of the kitchen.  cruel and unusual?  maybe?  did it make an impression?  yep, i think so.

i'm thinking he'll probably hold that cup a little tighter and make sure he tells the truth next time.  it's just a hunch.  being a cyclone mom has it's advantages.

after the clean up, we hugged and talked about the situation.  i told him that i was only annoyed by the spilled milk but the lie made me angry.  very angry.  "i don't accept you telling me things that are not true.  i'm your mother.  please be honest with me."


he cried a little more, maybe just for dramatics, i'm not sure, gave me a huge hug...and asked if he could go play his DS...ugh.

later that night as i was praying with the children, i gave thanks to God for his kindness, love and mercy...after i was finished praying maddox asked "mommy, what is mercy?"  after stuttering over my words and floundering for a bit, i told him that it's being forgiven and getting mercy from God, that even when we do things wrong and make mistakes, God loves us and has mercy.  he forgives us and we don't have to suffer the consequences of the mistake.  he forgives us and washes it clean.  maddox's reply was, "well, mommy, can you have mercy on us next time we make mistakes?"

really?

did he just say that to me?

i had to stifle my laugh.  don't kids say the darnedest things?  just when we think we can't take anymore they come out with something fantastic like that.

maddox and i had a really good conversation further about forgiveness and mercy.  we talked about unconditional love and what that meant.  i'm not sure that he absorbed it all but i think a lot of it went in pretty clearly.

later i googled mercy and this is something that i found:

"Mercy is like a judge finding you guilty, but then withholding any punishment. Grace is getting something you could never have imagined. An inexplicable gift. It's like the same judge awarding you $10,000,000.00, after finding you guilty!"

wow, i'd been thankful for the mercy...but i forgot about the grace that he gives also.  not only do we not pay for our mistakes if we know Christ, but we get His grace as well....

it's a pretty good deal.  i can see why maddox asked for it.  he's a smart kid.

now i sit here thinking, after all that happened tonight.  all that we talked about, all that we cried about, all that was learned.  will he spill the milk again one day?  absolutely.  he'll spill milk a million more times...not always milk, but you get what i'm saying.  he will always do something wrong.  and there will be more times (cringe) that he will lie to me.  will it make me angry?  yep.  will i be upset?  of course.  will i still love him?  without a doubt.  there is nothing that can separate my love for him.  he's my child.

i believe that God feels the same for me.  i constantly make mistakes.  after my mistakes, unlike maddox, there have been times that i'm not quite sorry.  i knew it was wrong but i did it anyway.  and there are times, that not only do i not say i'm  sorry but i lie about it.  i don't go to Him with my mistake.  i try to cover it up from Him.  and He knows the truth.  He knows.  and after i come to Him and tell Him the truth, what does He do?

He has mercy.  He cleans up all that spilled milk. but on top of that, He gives me grace.  no matter how big the mess is.

he cleans the mess, hands me another cup of milk and, on top of that, an oreo cookie to dip into the milk.

why?

because i'm His child.  and nothing can separate His love for me.

thank God.  because my mistakes have been a lot bigger than a little bit of spilled milk.  i've hurt others much more than a few splashes of milk flying across their shirt.  and yet, God forgives, forgets, and moves on.

i am so glad that we, as humans, have the capacity to love, to forgive and to move on.  God made us in His image and i believe that is why we have the ability to do the things that we do, to feel the way that we feel.  because we have some of our Father in us.

now, the kids are all asleep.  i'm beat.  i think i'm going to go have a nice cold cup of milk.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8

Disappearing Act

you can disappear pretty easily in this city.  it's not difficult.  i do it almost every day.  i walk out my front door, say "hello" the porters outside of my flat,  i pass the starbucks baristas who wave to me and sometimes i pass a couple of familiar faces on their way to the gym.  if it's raining or a lucky day, i may pass my homeless friend, david.  but once i hit kensington high street and into that multicultural sea of faces, i'm just another speck on the street.  and i kinda like it.  actually, there are many days that i love it.  don't get me wrong, i certainly miss running into any number of friends and family at target back home in the states, or seeing a friend drive by in their SUV with their windows rolled down taking their children to one of many places around marietta.  i love all of that too.  but sometimes it's nice to disappear.  it's nice to be in the background. to be anonymous.

last week, i had a really good friend over with her children for a play date.  i don't do a lot of play dates because my children live their lives in a constant play date.  that's all they do, the four of them together.  they play all day with one another.  i cater to their needs of bathroom breaks/diaper changes, snack times, lunches, juices, organized playing and unorganized playing.  yes, it's a constant play date around here.  so when i do decide that we are going to actually have some friends over or go to their place, it's a big deal.  i know it will change as they get older and more independent but right now, it's a family event, i go over with them, i stay while they play, then we all go home together.  and sometimes, especially here, our play dates are a package deal...you invite one over and i might just have to bring all four!  so little play dates can easily turn into big parties!

i was excited about this play date for good reason.  not only do my children really enjoy the children coming over to play, but i adore the mother bringing them.  it was a time for us to hang out and chat as well.  i love a good chat with a good friend.  and best of all, we laugh.  i really love a good laugh so i was thrilled to have her over as well.

we've grown to be friends in the last year and i love the fact that i have a friend in this city.  she, too, is from the states and living here for a couple of years so we have that in common.  we have several things in common and we have several differences as well.  as much as i adore my friends who i have everything in common with, i can also appreciate a good friend who i don't have everything in common with.  one that can challenge me.  and can be challenged by me.  it helps me see myself more clearly and i really like that.

we've known of our differences for quite some time.  little things, the obvious, she's taller with fantastic long legs and i'm....less tall.  she's from the north, i'm from the south.  and then there are the less obvious, i believe in Christ, she does not.  we've had a couple of discussions over this and i'm always interested to hear her view of things.  on the afternoon that she brought her girls over to play, i tried to do more listening than talking.  goodness knows, i have a big mouth so i'm not sure how it all turned out from her view point but i wanted to hear her side of things.  i wanted to know her thoughts, her heart.  i wanted to know why someone who had grown up catholic all her life could turn from a Father who loves her more than she could ever know.  had there been an occurrence?  was it that she slowly left God or did she up and decide in one brief moment?

as it turns out, we have some different views on our faith.  different views on the bible, different views all the way around when it comes to spirituality.  this is a challenge for me because i'm not the most eloquent speaker.  i don't have verses from memory that i can quote.  and i'm not a history buff who can explain how the bible falls into our historic knowledge.  how the two, history and the bible actually DO coincide with one another.  and the idea of how science explains things vs. the bible.  oh, don't even get me started...even though i've learned how they also coincide with one another...i still can't interpret it back.  and i know several of my friends who can do any of these things, if not all of them.  how i wish i had that gift but i end up fumbling over my words, wracking my brain for the right verse to share or staring blankly when history or science is brought up.  it can be frustrating at times to know there are answers...and to not be able to give them.

these conversations have led me to do more thinking, more questioning of myself, my belief, my spirituality, my faith.  and all of this has helped to draw me even closer to God lately.  for that, i'm thankful to this dear friend.

one night last week, i was in the middle of my prayer and it hit me.  the feeling that i just wanted to disappear from all of this.  there is so much that i want to say.  i haven't explained myself well to her, i haven't explained God well enough to her, i haven't done this...i haven't done that...i haven't.....it's all too difficult.  it was in that moment i prayed to just disappear from the situation.  and then i realized that, yes, i need to disappear so that God can be be more clear.  i need to do less worrying and more trusting.  i need to be still.  be quiet.  so i can hear.  He will eventually answer in His own way.  and i truly believe that when God answers our calls...He answers big.  He answers mightily.

sometimes i get so caught up in what i'm doing, what i'm saying, how i'm doing it, when, where, why....that i don't trust that God is doing it all.  yet again i realize that i can't lead.  so why don't i just sit back and follow?  wouldn't that be easier, wouldn't that be more fun actually?  just follow God and stop taking control?  to keep my eyes set on Him?

this city is a big beautiful sea of faces.  i see them everywhere i go.  there are moments when i feel bigger than life, having a blast, enjoying each moment, experiencing each new and exciting event.  and there are moments when i feel so small, this world, this life is bigger than me.  so much bigger.  and i feel it especially here in london.  i feel small.  and then...there are moments when i feel as though i've done a disappearing act.  i've completely vanished from it all.  i'm not only one in a million, but i'm one in a zillion, one in a million-zillion...i'm too small to be noticed, too tiny to be seen.  it's reassuring to know that i may be super tiny in this great big world, but i am amazingly, inconceivably, outrageously important and big in my Father's eyes.  i am loved beyond measure.  i'm heard and i'm seen at all times by a loving Father who wants desperately for me to see Him.

there are a lot of reasons why i love to disappear in this city.  but i think my favorite is when i disappear and God appears.  it's in my smallest, tiniest, weakest moments that He can be huge.  so i think i'll stay tiny for a bit longer.  i'll continue to listen and follow.  i'll continue to love as unconditionally as my human heart can.  and i'll give it over daily so that God to be huge.


"When you were in trouble, you called, and I saved you.  I answered you with thunder".  
Psalm 8:17