Silence Has A Sound

i'd never really thought about whether or not silence made a sound.  i mean, seriously...it's a difficult thing to try to wrap your brain around.  silence making a sound?  that's just weird.

it was the first morning after we'd landed.  i'd woken up early and decided to go ahead and get up before everyone and have my first cup of coffee.  this is not normal for me at ALL!  i love my sleep and unless i'm getting up to go enjoy boot camp at 5:30 am, you better bet that i'm going to be in bed.  not to mention that my all-time favorite part of the day is when the kids come into my room and get into bed with me and we snuggle for the first part of our day.  one by one they trickle into my bed and we snuggle until i have all three.  then i get up and get echo and breakfast begins. and all the craziness begins as well.

but on this morning, i got up and got that coffee.  i quickly realized how QUIET the house was at that moment.  actually, heath and i had gotten in the bed the night before and been a little freaked out by the eerie silence.  where were the fire trucks?  where were the cars?  where were the porters talking on the phone at the front of our flat?  where were the dogs barking or babies crying on their way to the park?  where was the city noise?

the silence was deafening.

reverse culture shock.  we were right in the middle of it.

so, to wake up to more silence was a bit freaky.  i walked around rooms of the house, looking at things that i'd missed, pictures i'd not seen in quite a while, furniture i'd not sat in, walls i'd not touched.  it's silly, but i was a tad emotional.  how could i miss london and all of it's chaos and yet adore the beauty and luxury of living in a quiet, suburban town?  how could i miss all that noise?  how could i miss hearing the rubbish being picked up at 7 a.m. on a saturday morning....okay, i didn't miss THAT!

you know, i kinda felt like the bachelorette, being in love with two men at one time.  haha!  one is comfortable and safe, warm and kind.  the other is exciting and action packed, fun and wild.  how could i love such opposite things?  how could i love both?  (strange analogy, i know.)

i sat at my back window for quite a long time.  just thinking.  just listening to the silence.  and the silence seemed to have a sound.  a familiar, sweet sound.  one that i'd not heard in awhile.  it was calming.  soothing.  refreshing.  it was beautiful.  memories came flooding back of things that have already happened in this house.  we had not lived here long until we packed up and moved away.  i thought of all that we have to be thankful for here and there.  what we have to be thankful for in our silence as well as our noise.

i'd remembered buying this house only a couple of years ago for many reasons but one big reason was this window.  the view was spectacular and i wanted to wake up every morning to such happiness....

i'm not sure how long i'd been sitting there in the window, when i heard my early bird coming down the stairs.  the pitter patter of maddox's little feet was the break of my silence and i turned to him with a grin from ear to ear.  he quietly came over and sat by my side and began to look out the window with me.  we sat for a bit and then he asked, "what are you doing here, mommy".  i replied, "sitting here listening to the silence and waiting for you."

not long after that, reese came down.  normally she is a late sleeper but the jet lag forces us awake sooner than we'd like in the first few mornings back.  she came and sat down with us too.  and asked, "mommy, what are you doing?"  and i replied, "sitting here with maddox, just looking outside and waiting for you."

we started to talk about memories of this window, nothing as sentimental as what i'd been originally thinking.  no, they were asking, "do you remember when that bird hit the window and blood was on the window?"  "mommy, do you remember when that tiny bird (a humming bird) flew into the screen and daddy had to hammer it's beak out with that book."

yep, sentimental just flew out that window.....oh well.

by the time zane had come down to join us, we were all doubled over laughing about the funny memories that had happened right where we were sitting.  and here we were....making another memory!  this will be added to our list.  maybe not as memorable as the bloody bird or tiny beak but it will still be somewhere in our memory bank.

i've looked out that window each morning since we've been here.  it's a window that makes me so happy.  it's big and bright and beautiful in the mornings.  the window makes my coffee taste better.

i've not relished another silent morning since that morning.  i've not sat in the silence and listened to the stillness.  it's been the usual hustle and bustle from that day forward but i still look out my window and know that silence makes a really lovely sound.  a captivating and riveting sound that i can't quite put my finger on.

i love living in london.  i love the crazy, constant movement.  i love that the city is alive at every moment of every day.  i love it.

and i love my sweet, soft marietta.  i love the stillness.  i love the silence.  i love that families hunker down together in the evenings and sleep in silence.  i love that the town seems to be "on hold" for a few hours each night.  i love that it feels as though time stops.  i love it.

is it possible to be in love with both?  i believe so.  i'm in love with both.  do i know where my heart truly belongs and will eventually end up?  absolutely.  so when we return to the hustle and bustle of that big city and take in the sights and sounds all over again, i think i will appreciate it even more.

because i know that my silence waits here for me.  i know the sound of silence.  and i will relish it again in my return.

Find rest (wait in silence), O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  psalm 62:5

It Takes a Village

you know the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child"?  well, i'm starting to understand it a little better.  i'm starting to embrace it a little more.  here is the thing, i have a tendency to be controlling.  yep, control is good for me.  it makes me feel large and in charge.  i like to know where everything is in my home, i like to know what everyone is doing in my family.  i just have a need to be ever so slightly....in charge.  and most moms would agree that we truly feel that no one can raise our children like we can.  no one can run our household as well as we can.  no one can clean or put things away as well as we can.  not even close.  we, as moms, are the best.  right?

so, even though i know the common phrase, "it takes a villiage", deep down, i never truly believed it.  until recently.  

our lives have been turned over and over, left and right, upside down, backwards and forwards in the past year.  with three, already young children, we took on little echo and then moved out of the country.  and i, deep down, thought that we could do it on our own.  okay, i knew we would have the help of God.  that goes without saying.  but, other than that, i felt like we could manage it.  

but slowly i started to see my control leaving me.  we decided that it might be a good idea to hire a nanny while in london.  and we did.  back in the states, we had already asked some amazing people to live in our home and care for it while we are abroad.  and as picky as we are...these people are even picker!  they are neat-freaks at its finest!  but i soon realized that, not only was i no longer in control of it all, i wasn't in control of much of anything.  i actually felt very out of control.  

*insert freaked out mother here*

we came home to the states a few weeks ago, our family of 6, nanny with us, and "house guards" all under the same roof.  it's such a funny sight and sound to be in our home these days.  four young children tearing through the house, our australian nanny with her beautiful accent and our awesome columbian family speaking in spanish to one another.  i'm here to tell you, it's amazing to say the least.  and i have learned that THIS is our family right now.  this is what we do, this is how we live, this is what works for us right now.  

are things done exactly the way that i want?  no.  not always.  but then, sometimes they are done even better.

can i walk around in my underwear these days or leave a bathroom door open while nature calls?  nope.  but it's where we are in life right now.   

my children spent time with my parents last weekend while heath and i attended a fun event with friends in tennessee.  when i came to pick them up, they had a million stories to share about what they had done.  playing in a creek, reading bedtime stories and learning the game of chess with granddaddy.  stories about how grandma had dropped a ball, it rolled down the hill and into the road where a car ran over it.  the kids told me that it was okay though, "grandma said she didn't like that ball anymore, anyway."  they told me about my sister, cherish, coming over and bringing her boys so that they could spend the night all together at my parents' house.  oh my, i'm sure that house was full...and FUN!  the stories that they told me were hysterical.  they had the best time!  do i believe that things were handled the way that i would handle them?  nope.  even though i gave my mother strict, well-written directions on what to do with echo, do i believe that she followed them perfectly?  nope.  and i'm glad.  my children experienced something special with their grandparents and it's partly due to the fact that they were out of their routine.  they were experiencing something new and different.  

after picking the children up, we went straight to the beach to meet up with heath's parents for a week of fun.  usually when we go, it is constant madness, from the moment we wake up, get the kids fed, sunblock on, suits on, beach bags packed, kissed a few boos boos, put a couple (or all four in time-out) and kids out the door and to the beach or pool.  and it was still constant chaos.  but this time, this time...i had time to sit!  time to watch them play, time to talk to other adults, time to relax and breathe.  all i could think about as i watched the kids being thrown around by their pappy and hearing their grandmother laugh was, "wow, it takes a villiage to raise these kiddos.  look at how happy everyone is!"  not only did we have heath's parents but we'd taken along our nanny!  we actually had more adults than children for once!!!  it was a beautiful thing.  

did i have complete control?  nope.   

now ask me if i minded one tiny bit...  no way!

last year we took the kids to the beach and we barely brought back any pictures.  i think we managed to take 6 pictures and they were in our condo.  no beach pictures.  it was our tiny family of 6 and we had no time (or energy) for pictures.  i clearly remember last year trying to go to dinner with this "new" family (keep in mind, we'd only had echo for a month)  we tried to take them to the pool.  we tried to take them to the beach.  we tried but i remember once we finally got down to the beach or pool, someone had to go to the bathroom, one of them had fallen and skinned their knee, somebody needed a nap and had pooped their diaper, someone was whining and at least three wanted to be carried.  and let's not forget all the beach/pool paraphernalia that one must take when toting children.  chairs, balls, floats, towels, food, diapers, sippy cups...the list goes on.  multiplied by four.  i'm not sure how much fun heath and i had and i'm not even sure we were very successful.  we'd brought them all home alive so we felt like this was an achievement. 

i do remember telling my mom that i was exhausted from the so called vacation.  i needed a vacation to recover from the vacation.

this year, we took pictures.  we played at the beach AND pool for at least four hours each day, echo got her naps, we went to dinner and we ENJOYED.  it will certainly be a trip to remember.

you know, our family has been blessed in so many ways.  big and small.  we've had a chance of a lifetime to go and live in another country and see parts of the world that i'd only read about.  yes, we've been blessed.  but we've been blessed far beyond the travel, far beyond the trips, far beyond the fantastic adventure of it all.  we've been blessed with amazing people in our lives.  we have a family that loves us and is, not only there when we need them, but who genuinely want to be with us.  they truly love us.  and we've been blessed to have special people placed in our lives to help get us through this crazy time.  people who are willing to care for our children, care for our home and ultimately...care for us.

during our prayer last night, maddox wanted to "pray for our family".  he named our family members one by one and without missing a beat, included the names of our nanny as well as the names of the people living in our US home...

so, the fact that i open a drawer in my home and can't find a certain cutting knife or sippy cup is not such a big deal.  the realization that i may not be the one to kiss a boo boo or that i can't be there for every funny story is okay.  the moment when heath is caught in his boxers by one of the females living in our home...it's okay.  it's all good.  this is our life.  our crazy, adventurous life.  i can't do it all.  i was never intended to do it all.  i'm not in control and i'm still learning that maybe i don't want to be totally in control.  divide and conquer, right?  

it takes a village.

Beach Babe

These three loved the ocean this year!