this morning i decided to go through my clothes, bag up things i don't want or no longer need so that we could give them away. we are going to have enough to pack to get us back home. i certainly don't need extra clothes going back over. maddox was trying to help me and we were casually talking and bagging when i came upon a pile of clothes that lay hidden under several other "newer" clothes. i took one look at them and realized i'd not worn them one single time while living over here. i hadn't thought to put them on, wear them out and about. i hadn't even missed them. and what was even more alarming was that they didn't even look like something i would wear! but obviously, two years ago, these clothes were important enough to be some of my select few that i brought over. clothes that i felt i would wear often while living here....
how can it be that my taste in clothing changed so much?
i went on looking at the clothes, the shoes, even a straw hat and thought, "where has this girl been for almost two years?" "who was this girl?" "where did she go?"
"is she still here?"
i feel like i'm the same on the inside, actually, even more me than i've ever been. i've learned more about myself in these last two years than i care to know. but now i know.
we had some major life changes to happen over the last couple of years. our adoption and a move to another country. i would say, for me, those are major. and i have changed because of it. i have become an altered person of myself. sometimes change will do that to us. alter us a bit.
after traveling to so many countries and cities, seeing so many faces, hearing so many languages, tasting so many tastes, seeing so many sights, befriending all walks of life...except for bus drivers...okay, there is one that has dreadlocks and he ties them up around his head. he's actually pretty cool so i'll let him slide...he has smiled at me a time or two so i think he may actually be human. but after all of this, i am a different me. a better version, i think. i hope.
it's not that i was close minded before coming here. no, not at all. we were thrilled to come into a new culture and experience new things, to learn more, to see more, to do more...but to feel more?
feel more? i didn't know that was going to happen.
so as i was going through these clothes, bagging them up, feelings emerged. my heart feels even more now than it did two years ago. i will never be the same. i will always be a new version of myself because of this journey that we had together. i will reflect on my time here and it may determine actions or reactions in my future. i no longer see the world the way that it once was.
it's bigger, but smaller.
it's dangerous, yet safe.
it's scary, yet comforting.
it's wild, and calming.
it's harsh, yet mild.
i've seen so much. we've had some crazy adventures. we've had fun and laughed. we've been scared and cried (well, reese and i have, anyway). there were points we wanted to come home and end it straightaway. but we all held on and enjoyed the ride.
we have less than three weeks before we fly back. we've already had to say a few goodbyes. we have several more to go. i have found these goodbyes to be much harder than the goodbyes from two years ago. back then, it was more of a "see ya later" kind of thing. it was painful and scary and difficult, but we knew we'd be back. this time is different. this time goodbye means goodbye. for many. probably for most. in a city that constantly moves, turns and changes, these goodbyes are forever.
this city and these people have left an impact on my life that i can't explain. i can no longer say that the country is better than the city. i can no longer think that people in the city don't know one another or have connections. it's certainly different, but not better or worse. just different. and people are people wherever you go. it's cliche', but it's really true. people desire love, laughter, friendship, comfort, safety...
i have all these things in two totally different parts of the world. big city london and little ole' marietta, georgia.
yes, london has left an impact on me, i hope that i left a tiny print somewhere in london. i think i may have. you never know who you touch, how you impact, or what you do to make a difference, and i sincerely hope that i made a difference while i was here. it would be wrong to take so much from this city and not feel like i have given something in return, right? give and take.
i am still the same country girl from small town, georgia. there are too many roots planted there to let me go. and now, i'm a little bit london, city as well. the best of both.
so if you see me this summer, in my black tight leggings, dirty wellies, scarf and grey knit hat, don't think too much of it. i'm just trying to figure myself out again as a southern country girl.
who am i kidding? hand me some sweet tea and sunblock. we'll be at the pool!
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| Did someone say POOL!? |
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