it’s bedtime. all i want to do is rest my head on a big fat pillow and fall fast asleep for the next 48 hours. i am so tired and so drained that i don’t know where to begin or end. i feel as though i've not truly slept in the almost 2 years that we've been here. (wait, i'm a mom...make that almost 7 years.) today we spent much of the day sorting through clothes and bathroom supplies (what to trash, what to save). in our spare moments, we made phone calls and sent emails to prepare for our last few days here and our first few days back in the US. the list seems endless of “to dos”.
this weekend was much different. saturday and sunday were filled with cheerful cleaning, sorting, boxing, tossing, laughing....and dinners with friends. saturday night we had dinner with some of our american friends that we met when we first moved here. a jersey couple with two precious daughters who were in school with our own. we ate, we laughed, we talked...it seemed like a night as any other. even the hug was “see ya later”. though i believe we held our hugs a little longer and a little tighter this time.
i sit here now and know that “later” could be a very long time away.
sunday we had dinner with one of heath’s co-workers. he invited us to his home in windsor to have a proper sunday meal cooked by his wife. they had done the same thing over two years ago when we came with our ( then three) children to visit london and get a feel of the area. they have two fantastic children who’ve grown from young boys into really handsome young men. we ate, we laughed, we talked...it seemed like it was all just beginning again. it seemed as though we’d only been there doing the same thing yesterday...
last night we said goodbye to emma. i can barely type the words. our beloved nanny. my fifth child. we helped one another in so many ways that i’m sure either of us could never be able to count or put into words. both of us here on a 2 year visa, trying to make our way in a big city. we’ve laughed, we’ve cried and we’ve shared very memorable moments together. saying goodbye to her was as difficult as i was afraid it would be.
and today, after walking up and down my long hallway countless times to pack, sift and sort, i was able to go to the gym to train. half-way into it, my chest felt heavy and my head felt cloudy. i could feel the stress that i’ve pushed way down deep begin to surface. it felt as thought it was seeping from my pores. begging to be released.
don’t keep me in, let me out.
heath and i have talked for days leading up to this week about how slow this week would crawl. our anticipation to get home would make this week tick inch by inch, hour by hour. as he crawled in bed tonight, he kissed me quickly, rolled over, and said, “i was wrong, this week is going to fly by...”
and there is that heaviness again. the tightness.
don’t keep me in, let me out.
and so i had to sit down and write. about what, i’m not sure. i just know that i must let out some of these feelings before they take my body down and beat me to a pulp. because i know there are still people and things that we have to say goodbye to. and the first ones were already hard enough.
we have a couple of friends coming over tomorrow night, the guy is another one of heath’s co-workers and his wife. they have also been here on a two year visa (and applied to stay longer....those young little whipper snappers!). it seems strange to leave them here. we’d planned to go back together!
our trainer...as funny as that may sound. the gym had become my place of refuge. training and exercise are things that i’m familiar with, something safe, productive and mindless. my escape. to say goodbye is much more difficult than i thought. to think that i would be so sad over leaving a brazilian slave driver is comical. yet he has silently and consistently been there to whip our stressful bodies into shape each week. heath and i have come home on certain days laughing in awe at what he has asked us to do during a workout. you would think he might be our enemy the way that we limp around after a tough training. yet he has become our friend.
and then there are the people in our neighborhood. (every time i think “people in your neighborhood”, i start singing the song from sesame street...i bet you do too!) i have to say goodbye to my baristas, our dry cleaners, the porters....david.
i have to say goodbye to david.
i’ve watched him lately. i know him well now. he is helpful to others, smiles when he can, makes jokes when he is feeling well. i’ve seen him scoff in disgust at uppity, rude women walking by. i see him looking down, acting invisible, maybe wishing he were. i’ve seen him talking to others kindly as they give him small change. i see his lips move to say, “God bless you”. i know that he can cuss like a sailor when he’s mad and be as gentle as a lamb when my children are around him. i know that his favorite sandwich is a ham and cheese toasty from costa. i know that he enjoys hot chicken noodle soup on a cold day. i know that he gets mad at people who give him peanuts or chips because he doesn’t have any teeth and cant’ chew them! i know his ex-wife is in russia and he has two grown boys in their early twenties. and i can tell at least 100 feet away when he is having a hard day.
i know that when i tell him goodbye, it will be forever. there is no email or home address. there is no facebook or social networking that we can do to stay in touch. my time with david will be over.
we have 5 more days. there is still so much to be done. tonight heath and i took the children to dinner at maggie jones, the neighborhood restaurant that we went to the night we decided to put a bid on our flat. we ate there and knew we had found our area, our home away from home. so it was only fitting that we bring our family there to have one of our last meals together here in “our area”. the dinner was one i will remember for a long time to come. we all sat around the table and talked about memories over the last 2 years. we ate, we laughed, we talked. when i looking around the table, i couldn’t help but think, we did it. we made it. we did this together. and we are all better for it. we are more knowledgeable, more outgoing, more adventurous, more accepting and stronger because of this little journey together. and now we get to go home together and continue that journey.
i’m tired. all i want to do it sleep. 5 more days. sleep will come soon.
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| 1 York House Place Flat 1 W8 4EY |
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