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| First contact. May 30, 2011 |
i shake as i write.
i'm not sure if it's the overindulgence of coffee from this morning or the fact that i know you will one day read this and it scares me to think how you will interpret my words. i never know with you. you always keep me on my toes, testing me, taunting me....teaching me.
just yesterday, i found some of your diaries that were kept for you at your orphanage by your nannies and various missionaries that visited your orphanage. there are so many names, so many who held you, so many who gave you hugs and kisses. so many who loved you. all of them, i had once prayed for, even though i'd never known them, nor would i ever.
they called you eve. that was your name in the orphanage. eve. you also had the name yu yi. another name. and then in we came. two big white people who swooped you up and started calling you echo? how were you to know who you are? how were you to know your name?
so many names.
as i went through your things and placed them in your room, i could not help but feel a million emotions. one was excitement. your new room. this bedroom that i envisioned you in the moment we moved in. once i saw that we would have a "spare" bedroom, i knew deep within that it would not be spare for long. no, not for long. i remembered moving into this house in december. by january, i began my search for you and my focus became secretly neurotic by february. i was determined to get you in that room as quickly as possible. time was of the essence it seemed.
i also felt sadness. so many things you had to go through to get where you are. i can be so impatient with you at times, pushing you along, forcing you to blend in, buck up, get it right, calm down, speed up, act right, smile, eat your dinner, don't eat too much, use your words, don't talk now...
so many rules.
and i must be honest that i felt a twinge of anger. i wanted more of your history. i wanted a letter from your birth mom. there. i said it. she held onto you for 2 months before placing you at the back door of your orphanage. she had quiet moments with you, she fed you, she put you to sleep, she carried you for nine months! just a letter... a tiny letter for me to have. for you to have. i wanted a letter. i wanted to know more about you. i wanted to keep that among all of your most precious keepsakes. i cry now thinking about it. it makes me angry that i get angry about this simple thing. a letter. i should be much stronger than this by now. i should have an answer for you, ready for the day that you ask questions that will rock my world. questions about your birth mom, the who's, the why's, the what ifs. yes, i should be ready. and i'm not. i have no idea what i will say to you one day when you ask these things. you didn't come with a manual and so half the time, i just have to wing it.
i wing it. the best way i can. and even when it's my best, i fail. there are days that i'm scared you won't love me like i love you. it makes me want to pull away, to keep my distance, to keep you at arms length so that i don't get hurt when you tell me one day that i'm not the mom you wanted. i know that's silly for an adult to feel that way. but i wonder if you feel that way too sometimes. maybe we feel those emotions together? maybe we are both afraid of loving too much. maybe we are afraid to let some of our walls down.
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July 2011
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today marks two years. "gotcha day". i first heard about this day from a little girl named jade. i taught her in 2nd grade before having children of my own. she was spunky and bright. a total tom-boy. we were in line, going to the lunchroom when i asked her, "why are you so bouncy today?" (truly, i'd never seen her in such high spirits before!) she told me that this was her "gotcha day". i had no idea what that was but wanted to know more. she told me all about it. she told me that this was her best day, even better than her birthday! and then she said, "my mom loves this day!" i choke back tears even now. little jade and her mom shared that day together. of course her mother loved it.
i love this day too. i love this day because it was the first day i held you, the first day we became a complete family. it was our family birth day. you completed it. in my moments of guilt for loving this day more than your birthday, i remind myself of jade and her bouncy little walk that day. i remind myself that THIS is the day that we share together. THIS is our day. this is not the miracle of conception or the miracle of birth but rather the miracle of adoption. because it is a miracle that you, of all the chinese babies, you were the one they placed in my arms. you were the one i'd waited for.
you had so many names until that point, but in that moment you had a new name. mine. you were mine, you are mine, you will always be mine. and as scary as that may be for you, it is forever true. you can't get rid of me. i'm yours.
echo, you are such a bright and loving little girl. you love attention, hugs, laps to sit in, people to spoil you. you crave approval in almost all areas. you strive to succeed and loath failure. you are witty. you are kind. you are a grouchy morning person. (you make me and your sister look like angels in the morning!) you adore your brothers, you admire your sister, you're in awe of your daddy. you love being outside. you are impatient, you are stubborn. you are a fighter.
my favorite spot to kiss you is right in between your eyes. i love how soft your skin is. i love your nose, your brown eyes and the mysterious way that your eyelids smoosh your lashes down but they never seem to get in your eyes...i love your beauty spot on your arm.
happy Gotcha Day to my sweet, loving, spunky, naughty, fighting, whining, stubborn little girl. this is our day, echo. this is my letter to you, as your mom.
now we have a letter.
let's put it in your keepsake box.
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| March 2013 |
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| April 2013 |
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26
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