Letting Some Out

it’s bedtime.  all i want to do is rest my head on a big fat pillow and fall fast asleep for the next 48 hours.  i am so tired and so drained that i don’t know where to begin or end.  i feel as though i've not truly slept in the almost 2 years that we've been here.  (wait, i'm a mom...make that almost 7 years.)  today we spent much of the day sorting through clothes  and bathroom supplies (what to trash, what to save).  in our spare moments, we made phone calls and sent emails to prepare for our last few days here and our first few days back in the US.  the list seems endless of “to dos”.

this weekend was much different.  saturday and sunday were filled with cheerful cleaning, sorting, boxing, tossing, laughing....and dinners with friends.  saturday night we had dinner with some of our american friends that we met when we first moved here.    a jersey couple with two precious daughters who were in school with our own.  we ate, we laughed, we talked...it seemed like a night as any other.  even the hug was “see ya later”.  though i believe we held our hugs a little longer and a little tighter this time.

i sit here now and know that “later” could be a very long time away.

sunday we had dinner with one of heath’s co-workers.  he invited us to his home in windsor to have a proper sunday meal cooked by his wife.  they had done the same thing over two years ago when we came with our ( then three) children to visit london and get a feel of the area.  they have two fantastic children who’ve grown from young boys into really handsome young men.  we ate, we laughed, we talked...it seemed like it was all just beginning again.  it seemed as though we’d only been there doing the same thing yesterday...

last night we said goodbye to emma.  i can barely type the words.  our beloved nanny.  my fifth child.  we helped one another in so many ways that i’m sure either of us could never be able to count or put into words.  both of us here on a 2 year visa, trying to make our way in a big city.  we’ve laughed, we’ve cried and we’ve shared very memorable moments together.  saying goodbye to her was as difficult as i was afraid it would be.

and today, after walking up and down my long hallway countless times to pack, sift and sort, i was able to go to the gym to train.  half-way into it, my chest felt heavy and my head felt cloudy.  i could feel the stress that i’ve pushed way down deep begin to surface.  it felt as thought it was seeping from my pores.  begging to be released.

don’t keep me in, let me out.

heath and i have talked for days leading up to this week about how slow this week would crawl.  our anticipation to get home would make this week tick inch by inch, hour by hour.  as he crawled in bed tonight, he kissed me quickly, rolled over, and said, “i was wrong, this week is going to fly by...”

and there is that heaviness again.  the tightness.

don’t keep me in, let me out.

and so i had to sit down and write.  about what, i’m not sure.  i just know that i must let out some of these feelings before they take my body down and beat me to a pulp.  because i know there are still people and things that we have to say goodbye to.  and the first ones were already hard enough.

we have a couple of friends coming over tomorrow night, the guy is another one of heath’s co-workers and his wife.  they have also been here on a two year visa (and applied to stay longer....those young little whipper snappers!).  it seems strange to leave them here.  we’d planned to go back together!

our trainer...as funny as that may sound.  the gym had become my place of refuge.  training and exercise are things that i’m familiar with, something safe, productive and mindless.  my escape.  to say goodbye is much more difficult than i thought.  to think that i would be so sad over leaving a brazilian slave driver is comical.  yet he has silently and consistently been there to whip our stressful bodies into shape each week.  heath and i have come home on certain days laughing in awe at what he has asked us to do during a workout.  you would think he might be our enemy the way that we limp around after a tough training.  yet he has become our friend.

and then there are the people in our neighborhood.  (every time i think “people in your neighborhood”, i start singing the song from sesame street...i bet you do too!)  i have to say goodbye to my baristas, our dry cleaners, the porters....david.

i have to say goodbye to david.

i’ve watched him lately.  i know him well now.  he is helpful to others, smiles when he can, makes jokes when he is feeling well.  i’ve seen him scoff in disgust at uppity, rude women walking by.  i see him looking down, acting invisible, maybe wishing he were.  i’ve seen him talking to others kindly as they give him small change.  i see his lips move to say, “God bless you”.  i know that he can cuss like a sailor when he’s mad and be as gentle as a lamb when my children are around him.  i know that his favorite sandwich is a ham and cheese toasty from costa.  i know that he enjoys hot chicken noodle soup on a cold day.  i know that he gets mad at people who give him peanuts or chips because he doesn’t have any teeth and cant’ chew them!  i know his ex-wife is in russia and he has two grown boys in their early twenties.  and i can tell at least 100 feet away when he is having a hard day.

i know that when i tell him goodbye, it will be forever.  there is no email or home address.  there is no facebook or social networking that we can do to stay in touch.  my time with david will be over.

we have 5 more days.   there is still so much to be done.  tonight heath and i took the children to dinner at maggie jones, the neighborhood restaurant that we went to the night we decided to put a bid on our flat.  we ate there and knew we had found our area, our home away from home.  so it was only fitting that we bring our family there to have one of our last meals together here in “our area”.  the dinner was one i will remember for a long time to come.  we all sat around the table and talked about memories over the last 2 years.  we ate, we laughed, we talked.  when i looking around the table, i couldn’t help but think, we did it.  we made it.  we did this together.  and we are all better for it.  we are more knowledgeable, more outgoing, more adventurous, more accepting and stronger because of this little journey together.  and now we get to go home together and continue that journey.

i’m tired.  all i want to do it sleep.  5 more days.  sleep will come soon.

1 York House Place
Flat 1
W8 4EY

Deep Impact

i've spent the last several days going through paperwork, clothes, toys, pictures....all from the last two years.  i need to sift through and weed out the things we no longer need.  we've already given much away, thrown things out, saved some for friends, and tucked away other things that i just can't let go of quite yet.  (yes, i hoard things, at times...shhh.)

this morning i decided to go through my clothes, bag up things i don't want or no longer need so that we could give them away.  we are going to have enough to pack to get us back home.  i certainly don't need extra clothes going back over.  maddox was trying to help me and we were casually talking and bagging when i came upon a pile of clothes that lay hidden under several other "newer" clothes.  i took one look at them and realized i'd not worn them one single time while living over here.  i hadn't thought to put them on, wear them out and about.  i hadn't even missed them.  and what was even more alarming was that they didn't even look like something i would wear!  but obviously, two years ago, these clothes were important enough to be some of my select few that i brought over.  clothes that i felt i would wear often while living here....

how can it be that my taste in clothing changed so much?

i went on looking at the clothes, the shoes, even a straw hat and thought, "where has this girl been for almost two years?"  "who was this girl?"  "where did she go?"

"is she still here?"

i feel like i'm the same on the inside, actually, even more me than i've ever been.  i've learned more about myself in these last two years than i care to know.  but now i know.

we had some major life changes to happen over the last couple of years.  our adoption and a move to another country.  i would say, for me, those are major.  and i have changed because of it.  i have become an altered person of myself.  sometimes change will do that to us.  alter us a bit.

after traveling to so many countries and cities, seeing so many faces, hearing so many languages, tasting so many tastes, seeing so many sights, befriending all walks of life...except for bus drivers...okay, there is one that has dreadlocks and he ties them up around his head.  he's actually pretty cool so i'll let him slide...he has smiled at me a time or two so i think he may actually be human.  but after all of this, i am a different me.  a better version, i think.  i hope.

it's not that i was close minded before coming here.  no, not at all.  we were thrilled to come into a new culture and experience new things, to learn more, to see more, to do more...but to feel more?

feel more?  i didn't know that was going to happen.

so as i was going through these clothes, bagging them up, feelings emerged.    my heart feels even more now than it did two years ago.  i will never be the same.  i will always be a new version of myself because of this journey that we had together.  i will reflect on my time here and it may determine actions or reactions in my future.  i no longer see the world the way that it once was.

it's bigger, but smaller.

it's dangerous, yet safe.

it's scary, yet comforting.

it's wild, and calming.

it's harsh, yet mild.

i've seen so much.  we've had some crazy adventures.  we've had fun and laughed.  we've been scared and cried (well, reese and i have, anyway).  there were points we wanted to come home and end it straightaway.  but we all held on and enjoyed the ride.

we have less than three weeks before we fly back.  we've already had to say a few goodbyes.  we have several more to go.  i have found these goodbyes to be much harder than the goodbyes from two years ago.  back then, it was more of a "see ya later" kind of thing.  it was painful and scary and difficult, but we knew we'd be back.  this time is different.  this time goodbye means goodbye.   for many.  probably for most.  in a city that constantly moves, turns and changes, these goodbyes are forever.

this city and these people have left an impact on my life that i can't explain.  i can no longer say that the country is better than the city.  i can no longer think that people in the city don't know one another or have connections.  it's certainly different, but not better or worse.  just different.  and people are people wherever you go.  it's cliche', but it's really true.  people desire love, laughter, friendship, comfort, safety...

i have all these things in two totally different parts of the world.  big city london and little ole' marietta, georgia.

yes, london has left an impact on me, i hope that i left a tiny print somewhere in london.  i think i may have.  you never know who you touch, how you impact, or what you do to make a difference, and i sincerely hope that i made a difference while i was here.  it would be wrong to take so much from this city and not feel like i have given something in return, right?  give and take.

i am still the same country girl from small town, georgia.  there are too many roots planted there to let me go.  and now, i'm a little bit london, city as well.  the best of both.

so if you see me this summer, in my black tight leggings, dirty wellies, scarf and grey knit hat, don't think too much of it.  i'm just trying to figure myself out again as a southern country girl.


who am i kidding?  hand me some sweet tea and sunblock.  we'll be at the pool!

Did someone say POOL!?

My Hamster Wheel

have you ever seen a hamster on its wheel?  that little hamster will run and run and run.  sometimes he goes so fast that he loses his grip and will do several flips inside the wheel before regaining his composure.  sometimes he doesn't go as fast as the wheel and will get all caught up, flipping and flopping, landing on his back, only to flip back over and begin again.  call me mean, but watching him lose his grip is hysterical.  i've watched a hamster spin on his wheel in true hopes that he loses it and begins to flop around inside that wheel.

okay, that's mean.  but still funny.

now that summer has begun for my crew, i feel like that hamster.  my day begins with a small child standing at my bed asking me for breakfast.  either that, or an elbow or knee in my face as one tries to climb in beside me to snuggle.  once i'm awake, i get on my wheel.

i make breakfast for everyone, while complete pandemonium goes on in my kitchen.  the kids are all laughing and whooping it up as i clamber around to find coffee and a bite of egg for myself.  all the while, they are asking for this, that, more, help, why, when, will you?....the list is endless of their needs beginning at 8 am.  children are very alert in the early morning.

once they've eaten breakfast, they take their whirlwind to another room.  the kitchen has been successfully destroyed and they are off to find the next room to take down.  usually it's the playroom but have been known to go ahead and begin working on many rooms at one time.  divide and conquer.

as they blow out the kitchen door, i'm left to reasemble and clean the rubble.  i may (or may not) put in a load of laundry as i clean.  and once i've gotten the kitchen almost back to normal, a small person, or two, will usually surface to ask for a drink.  of course.  and one may even have the nerve to ask for a snack.  ummm, didn't you just eat breakfast?  do you have a tapeworm?

i rinse and repeat this method about 5 times a day in the summer time.  3 meals and 2 snacks a day for these guys will keep me very busy.

hamster wheel.

this week, we've been cleaning out their toys to give away, keep or trash.  they've really gotten into it.  we have 3 bins and they load up the bins depending on what they want to do with the toy.  we've done this every day this week, four days so far.  and i'm here to tell you.  toys multiply in the night!  we clean out so much during the day only to find there is still so much more to be done the following day!

hamster wheel.

my children wear a uniform to school so i'm fortunate that we don't have a fight each night or morning over what is to be worn to school.  there are still all the uniform pieces and parts to wash each day....times four!  if i don't run a load (or 4) of laundry each day, i'm in big trouble.  the piles of laundry multiply through the night as well.  i have to stay on top of it.....or i'll be under it.  the summer doesn't really change for my laundry work.  somehow they manage to find several different kinds of clothes to wash.  random clothes.  clothes i haven't seen in months will appear on their little bodies, only to be soiled somehow so that another load of laundry must be done.

hamster wheel.

and moms are amazing at multitasking.  i pride myself in being an octopus!  but sometimes my brain can't keep up with my arms and legs.  i will have all children asking for something at once, my arms and legs will be moving with each word that comes out of their mouth, sometimes i know what they will ask before they even ask it!....and suddenly....i have a malfunction.  i have to stop and stare for a moment.  reboot.  so that i can continue on with my services.  their requests don't seem to end.  this is when i feel like my hamster wheel starts going out of control, i lose my grip and i start to fly around the wheel, tumbling and rolling, spinning and flopping.

hamster wheel.

and yes, it's kinda funny.  how can it not be?  i'm a grown adult and yet, these little tiny people can take me down like a hamster on a wheel.

these are my days of being a hamster.  it's gotten much better over the last few years.  as they get older, they get a little more independent and much more funny!  i can see the light at the end of my hamster tunnel.

you know, i recently read that if a mother hamster detects that something if wrong with her young, she will eat it.  in those moments when things get really rough, i can empathize with a hamster, i kinda understand why a mama hamster will eat her young.

tread lightly, kids.  you don't want mama to get hungry.