An Uncomfortable Truth

this morning was one of those whirlwind mornings.   i had uniforms out for all the children, lined neatly and ready for them to put on.  reese and maddox have to wear their swimsuits under their uniform on tuesdays because they go to swim soon after arriving to school.  zane needed his track suit packed as he would have gym later in the day.  goggles, swim cap, towels...you get where i'm going with this.  there was a full on line-up of what all we had to take.  as the kids were dressing, i told reese and maddox to be sure to run back and get clean underwear to take to school since they would have on swimsuits while going to school.   and then i packed zane some grapes to share with his class (a fruit sharing tradition that the young children do every week).  it was certainly a whirlwind.

and little echo, of course, had to sit on her potty before we left.

 i managed to get everyone on the bus and we were off to start our day.  i was feeling pretty good about how things had gone, although chaotic, the children were smiling, we were happy, life was good.  i had not yelled all morning.  teeth had been brushed...well maybe not mine, but everyone else was very presentable.  yep, i was feeling good!

and then maddox, who was sitting at the back of the bus, yells up to me (standing in the middle of the bus).  "oh no, mommy, we forgot our underwear!!!"  (insert red faced mom here).  a few people turned to me and stifled a laugh.  even i had to try not to laugh.  i tried to remain calm, after all, this was not the worst thing that could have happened!  i shouted back to him, "it's okay, you can just go free today, it'll be fun, you'll like it!"  and this really got some laughing.  who knew we would be entertainment for the bus riders on this paticular morning.

maddox looked down and came back with, "did reese forget hers too?"  reese shot him a dirty look and told him to be quiet.  she was mad now.  i simply said that yes, all underwear has been forgotten and it will be fine, not to worry.

but maddox was worried.  i could tell.  he did not like the idea of no underwear.  and to make matters worse, he's always complaining about the scratchy paints.  he hates them.  i just knew that he'd already put two and two together of what it would be like commando....and those scratchy pants.  God bless him.

maddox's eyes became more and more red and teary as we neared school.  he asked me a few times if we could turn around and go back.  i let him know that we could not because it would make them late for school.  he asked if i would go back and get the underwear and bring them back before swim.  i told him no.  i thought he would be fine.

i told both of the kids that this was a good lesson.  when i tell them to do something in the mornings, it needs to be done.  i'd had a lot to get done and i'd asked them to do the one thing and they did not do it.

reese, the whole time, was silent.

as we entered the school, reese and maddox were about to go up the stairs and maddox quietly, slowly began to walk up.  and then he turned to me, threw his hands up and said, "i just can't do this.  i can't do it!"

i tried not to laugh and asked him to come back down and talk to me.  he came right into my arms and put his head in my neck and cried.  i was afraid that he dreaded some kind of laughter from other boys but i wanted to hear it from him.  when i asked him why he was so upset, he told me, "i won't be comfortable."

comfort.  my little maddox is the KING of comfort.  of course.  comfort.

after giving a great sigh and a shake of my head, i told maddox i would try my best to get back to the flat and bring him back some underwear.  but i wasn't sure i could make it in time.

thrilled at this, he ran, flew up the stairs, thanking me and yelled down with complete seriousness, "take a taxi mom!  it will be much quicker!!!"

so echo and i headed back for the underwear.....


on the bus ride home, i couldn't help but wonder if this is how i sometimes sound.  like the sad little kid who is not "comfortable".

there has been something lurking in my mind since we adopted echo a little over a year ago.  am i the right mom for this job?  i thought i could handle this.  but this is more than i thought.

is it any wonder that more than one-third of Americans have seriously considered adopting, but no more than 2 percent have followed through?

why?

because it's not easy.

there, i said it.  it's not easy.

it's not "comfortable".

i was on the phone with heath last night asking him why had God called me to do this?  what made Him think i could do this?  echo is stubborn, bull headed, demanding and rejecting at times.  the mean and mad looks she can project from her eyes is piercing.  fighting her food battles is exhausting.  tending to her demands is draining.  i don't know what to do for her in some moments.  i don't know what i CAN do!  i don't know if i have the patience for it.  we have four children, not one.  not just echo.  she can't demand so much out of me.  and the part that throws me for a loop, almost makes me angry, is that i don't think God did this for echo only.  He has a plan for us too.  He is teaching me every day something new about myself.  and they are not always pretty things.

i'm not comfortable, Lord.  

why didn't You tell me it would be so hard?

i can't do this.  i just can't do it..

you all know, by now, that echo is potty training.  she's had accidents each day, of course, as any learner would.  and she does NOT like to be left for too long in her wet underwear.  she walks towards me bowlegged and a big frown on her face.  it's uncomfortable, right?  but i let her stay in it for a little while, not too long, but to give her an idea that this is not the result she wants.  the result she wants is the dry underwear.  comfort.

i'm no different than a toddler or a 6 year old.  i like comfort.  i strive for it.  we all do.  but sometimes if we are left to be uncomfortable for a bit, we truly begin to understand what we want for the end result to be.  if we are strong enough to look beyond ourselves, and focus on that end result, we can push ourselves, pull ourselves to achieve that result.

and certainly, many of you reading this, have far bigger issues than i do!  you scoff at me right now and maybe even want to punch the computer.  because you TRULY know difficult.  you TRULY know discomfort.  even i may look back on this blog and be upset with myself for feeling as though THIS was my discomfort  in 2012.  and i'm certain that when my children all become teenagers, i'm going to still be blogging about my comfort level!  but for now, for now, i have that question that keeps coming to my mind.

why?  we were so comfortable, Lord.  You knew we were going to a city, and that strollers, diapers, nannies, extra care, extra help, extra, extra, extra would all be needed.  You knew her hidden issues.  You knew my hidden issues.  You knew.  You knew we would move.  You knew my friends, my family, my church and my support would be gone.  and yet, You urged me to move forward with the adoption.  You urged me to move quickly toward her.  and we did.  we followed.  we obeyed.  and now it's hard.

please don't get me wrong.  echo is no mistake.  she was never a mistake.  i have no doubt she is meant to be with us.  my faith gives me the certainty that she is right where she is meant to be.  but i'm not comfortable...yet.

mothering an adopted child is not easy.  God didn't ask us to take echo because it would be easy.  maybe just the opposite.  who knows.  because i can say that echo certainly draws me closer to God each day...

why me?  why us?

why not?

is my discomfort such a bad thing?  after all, i said it brought me closer to God.  i mean, my tiny little discomfort is nothing compared to Job.  no where near that of Jesus.  my discomfort is a drop in the bucket by comparison.  but God doesn't compare.  He has compassion.  and just as i'm working to deal with echo, He is working to deal with me.  just as i've adopted echo, He adopted me.  just as echo fights me, i fight Him.  when will i ever learn?

so, for now, and for this year, just like the year before, i have to call upon my Father.  

teach me how You love.

teach me how You see.

teach me how You touch.

teach me how You move.

teach me how.



oh, and Lord, could You take a taxi?  it'll be much quicker!

If You Can't Beat 'Em.

This morning, i awoke to little hands pressing on my side, asking the a question that i could not comprehend.  in my sleepy coma, i asked, "zane, what do you need", his reply, "i need you to fix my covers"

....uhhh, right, because CLEARLY that's important in these wee hours of the morning.  

so i reached over the side of the bed to fix his covers, only to find that he didn't just want the blanket to be on him...no he wanted them to be straightened and tightened and tucked and folded all around his tiny body. "sorry, buddy, not at this time of night" (and since when did you become such a princess?)

i'd let the three big kids sleep in my room the night before.  a new tradition that i started a few months ago to keep our spirits up.  heath is out of town on business and we are all alone this weekend.  it's been quite awhile since heath has been out of town on a weekend so this has been an event that i was not really looking forward to.  add on to that, i'm potty training echo.  add on to that, emma, our nanny, is out of town for 5 days.  she doesn't work on weekends but it's always great to know that she could be there in case of an emergency.  so i told heath to travel quickly and safely and hope that he comes home to four children because one, if not two, might not make it through the next 8 days.  potty training makes me crazy.  it's my least favorite thing to do with a toddler.  i knew we were in for troubled times.

look at this face.  doesn't it look like trouble to you?

and i'll admit, i've been in a funk.  my mother's birthday is monday.  they are having a family reunion this weekend; cabins, picnics, family, roasted marshmallows, and some serious fun.  it's put me in a funk. couple that with the fact that heath is gone also and, well, i was a bit foul this morning.  upon waking, maddox climbed into bed with me and said, "mommy, i can stay here with the kids if you want to go out and get coffee and cinnamon rolls from starbucks."

ohhhh, maddox, if you only knew.  i could almost take you up on that offer.

before i could wipe the sleep from my eyes, we were up and at it. for some crazy reason, i decided to cook eggs, bacon, pancakes and bagels.  it was a huge meal.  this is SO not like me, especially to do it all without heath!  i'm not sure what i was trying to prove.

but as the day wore on and i started to lose my momentum, i began to learn (or remember) a few things:

-left over pizza is still okay after a few days in the fridge.  so okay, in-fact, that i had a couple of slices.  they were slightly stale and a little soggy, but i fought through it.
-those "2-bite" brownies that i bought for the kids, are really good.  i can eat one in just 1 bite.  i can eat three within a very short amount of time.  and i can finish a whole box of them within a day.  (i'm not saying i'm proud, i'm just saying that i learned this.)
-i learned that it's possible to go through a full day's time and NOT know what the air feels like outside.
-stealing the children's vitamins is yet another way to get a sugar fix.
-allowing children to run around half naked throughout the day is okay, it actually makes them happier. clothes are totally overrated.
-i can successfully do absolutely nothing with my day, except tend to children, eat pizza and sneak brownies (and those darn vitamins) and not feel too bad about it.
-potty training is not so hard if you sit her on her potty all day long.  she had a very successful potty day!
-finding four separate rooms for children to go to "time out" is critical.
-a first shower at 4 in the afternoon can actually turn you into a human again.
-bathing children is sometimes for safety purposes, they are all in sight, busy and happy.  all i have to do is sit and supervise...and then form the washing assembly line.
-poopie in fresh underwear looses its "gross factor" after the fourth child.  i didn't even blink.
-allowing children to play video games, watch cartoons and lay around kills no one.  we all survived the day.  we are all very happy for it.
-it is possible to clean a kitchen 5-7 times a day if you are a mother.
-buy two packs of cookie mix. one to bake with and one to eat the dough from the bowl.

(yes, i lived on sugar alone today.  it was seriously one of the most desperate days i can remember in a long time.  remember dory on Finding Nemo?  "just keep swimming, just keep swimming.....")


throughout the day, i kept wishing that it was me who was on the business trip.  it might be nice to be on a 8 hour flight, all alone.  i could eat my tiny airplane pretzels in peace.  i could watch movies only allowed for adults, no cartoons.  i could go to meetings and dress sharply, make really big business decisions.  i could go to a conference and listen to speakers and their bright ideas, maybe share my own.  can you imagine?  what if i were the one on that business trip?

let me eat another 2 bite brownie....oh wait, i already ate them all...dang it!

tonight at dinner.  the kids were giggling over their food, making smirky comments about it, trying to sneak in words like "poop", "burp", "belly bubble" knowing, full well, these are usually words at the table that send me into orbit.  tonight, i just sat there, in my pull out/fold out chair (because we have a tiny kitchen with no room to sit) and i let them get away with things i would not normally let them get away with.  i sat and thought about how many brain cells died inside my brain today.  how many of my brain cells threw themselves over a bridge!?

the kids kept giggling, food falling, drinks splattering.  how had i been so calm all day?  how had i not dropped a kid off at the neighbor's house.  (i don't know my neighbors, but i can assure you, it might not stop me from dropping one over.)  calmly, with a very fluid motion, i turned on my iphone, with the speakers on high, and turned on Waka Waka by Shakira.  and it was LOUD!  the spanish version, don't ask me why.

my kids all stopped dead in their tracks.  food stopped being chewed, drinks were put to the side.  they all looked at me as if i'd lost my mind.  and maybe i had.  but i played that music so loud, it drowned out their tiny little giggles, it stopped the whining, the tattling, the mouthing off.  it stopped it all.  and suddenly, inside me, there was dancing.  my insides were happy.  i felt free.

after the children had a moment to let this sink in, they began to literally dance in their seats.  move around.  feel the music.  they began to smile, to laugh, to sing.

and so did i...

we all did.  i looked down and even little echo was up out of her seat dancing and playing.  we jammed.  we stopped everything and had one of our best dance parties.

i'd slummed around for the whole day.  quietly washed and cleaned, managed and refereed, bossed and boo boo kissed without much of a thought.  i'd breezed through the day but i'm not sure that i lived it.  i guess there comes that moment when you think, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  i mean, let's face it, it's a great little party to join.

motherhood is a lot of fun.  it's also a lot of work.  i've stumbled through the day, wallowed in my funk, let the loneliness sink in.  i've had my day today that mothers have every now and again.  i don't feel bad about it.  i'm not ashamed of it.  it was a good day.  a guilt free day.  actually, looking back on it, it was really great.  i ate without thinking, i was a sloth in my pajamas, i sat beside a potty for hours, i learned new levels of critter attack on the ipad, and i danced.  not such a bad day in the life of a mama.

not such a bad day.

the party had just gotten started!  reese was feeling the beat.

i love when Zane laughs like this....he just can't stop once he starts!

okay, yes this is slightly inappropriate.  this is one of those moments when
i tell maddox, "funny?  yes.  appropriate?  no."

echo laughing hysterically.

"Be joyful always" 1 Thessalonians 5:16

My Roots are Showing

i noticed a week ago that my roots are starting to show.  many of you know that i've gone from blonde to brown while living over here.  the change is good.  it's been fun to try new colors although i've come to like the dark color so much that i keep going darker.  the last time i went in to get my hair colored, i asked for black!  they stylist was all for it but insisted that i put in just a touch of my lighter hair so that i wouldn't freak out too much.  and thank goodness i put in some of that blonde because the black color was BLACK!

so now that my roots are beginning to come through, they are not the usual dark roots to my blonde highlights that i'm use to.  no, these are actually lighter roots!  my lighter hair is trying to come back in.  so, what's a girl to do?  i went today to get my roots covered.  darker.  again.  but i know, without a doubt, my roots will start to show in another 6 weeks or so.  it will drive me to the point that i will have to go back in and get them touched up.  the color change is fun but it's still a lot of maintenance.  no matter what i do to try and cover my roots, they always show back up.

i have other roots that are beginning to show as well.  the roots that are planted firmly in me that no one can see.  the roots that have grown deep down and are firmly planted deep within me.  just the other day, i was paying for pasta in a little noodle shop over in Notting Hill.  the lady asked, "will this be all?" and i, without thinking, replied, "yes ma'am".  by the look on her face, you would have thought that i said, "yep, that's it, GRANNY!"  she was disgusted and offended from what i could tell.

and there are the moments that i run into someone on the street, bumping their shoulder, and quickly say, "i'm so sorry, excuse me".

and then the occasional "y'all" comes out of my mouth.  that one is hard to cover up!

oops, my roots are showing.

it was yesterday day that i had a sense of homesickness.  it creeps in once in awhile.  not very often in this amazingly busy and fun city do i get a chance to feel true homesickness.  as a matter of fact, i haven't had homesickness like this since last year around this same time! but on this particular day, i felt it.  i sat alone in a great little restaurant and began to cry.  for no other reason than the fact that i missed home.  oh no, mistye, don't do it, your roots will show!  these city slickers can sniff out weakness and they'll come for you!  but, of course, no one noticed or said anything to me about the tears.  no one attacked.

there are things that i'm starting to realize just how much i love from home.  things that i think i took for granted, things that so many take for granted.  my roots.

you know, the definition of root is this:
Root. (noun) the part of a plant which attaches it to the ground or to a support, typically underground, conveying water and nourishment to the rest of the plant via numerous branches and fibers.

our roots are like that of a tree.  our roots keep us grounded just like the roots of the tree keep it grounded.  they give us nourishment. they keep us fed.  you can't usually see the roots, unless they come creeping out (and they sometimes do).  roots are strong, they run deep, they can be huge, they can be extremely tiny.  but they all play a really big part on what keeps that tree standing when the rains come down, when the harsh winds blow.  the roots keep the tree standing tall.  the roots allow the tree to look so strong.  all those little roots, they go unnoticed by everyone.  except the tree.  the tree, certainly, must "know" they are there.  the roots are what keep the tree ALIVE!

i realized that day as i sat looking out the restaurant window, feeling the homesickness, that my roots are firmly planted.  i began to think about the things i love back home.

i love sitting on my back screened-in porch when it rains.
i love the smell of that rain.
i love riding in a car with the windows rolled down.
i love riding around and looking at the tree foliage.
i love sweet tea...and i hardly ever drank it!
i love walking into a room and everyone knows one another.
i love little art festivals.
i love crickets....as long as they are outside...and i can't see them....and they don't jump on me.
i love having four distinct seasons...lasting around 3 months each...we get seasons over here but they all happen in one day.  it's a bit tricky to plan for each day.
i love being told to "have a blessed day".
i love going to church on a sunday morning and feeling the fullness in my heart.
i love watching the trees dance in my back yard.
i love being with family and friends in that back yard, eating BBQ and watching the kids run around.
i love hearing, yes, ma'am, fixin to, and y'all.
i love the smell of fresh cut grass.


there are so many things that i can't wait to go back home to. my roots.  heath and i are excited to start laying the foundation for our children so that, they too, can begin to grow their roots.  roots to plant them firmly in the ground.  because we all have roots, we all have a place where we started, a reason that we are who we are.  we all have these crazy, beautifully twisted roots that shape us and shift us into become the adults that we are now.  i'm excited to have my children grow theirs.

but then, they already are.  our children will have roots wherever they are, wherever we are.  our children are growing roots, knowing that the world is huge, people are people all over the world.  our children's roots are going to be far and wide, greatly exposed to all that God has created.

and then there are the spiritual roots that we have.  we are digging them deep.  they keep us fed, they keep us strong, keep us standing, keep us nourished.

i have been through a few rough winds and pretty strong storms but my roots are firmly planted.  the big ones and the little ones keep me standing tall.  my roots keep me ALIVE!

so if my roots tend to come out, i can't be embarrassed.  i don't have to rush to cover them up.  i have to be proud.  i may seem like a softy or a weakling on these city streets at times but i'm tough and i'm mighty.

i have my roots firmly planted.

This tree, in Hyde Park, grew right through the concrete ground.
There was no stopping this tree from growing!  The roots
pushed right through.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.  Psalm 1:3

Say My Name

echo has a new thing that she does.  heath and i noticed it a couple of days ago.  echo will come into the room where i am and say, "mommy?".  she says it in a way that makes me think she wants to ask me a question or tell me something important.  or maybe it's something very unimportant.  but the fact that she can now search the house for me, find me, and call my name is wonderful.  most of the time, after she says the word, she will just stand there, not saying anything.  like she just wanted to say my name to see if i'll answer.  other times she will pause for a bit and come closer to stand beside me.  it's the funniest thing.  it's so sweet.

last night, as we were cleaning the dishes after dinner, she came into the kitchen doorway and stood for a while, watching us, quietly.  and then she said, "mommy?".  to which i responded, "yes, honey?" without looking over my shoulder.  she quietly said, "more milk".  heath and i stopped everything and turned to her.  i grabbed her milk and handed it to her.  she asked for a need, a want.  and we could provide.  instant gratification for her!  we wanted to reward her!  we were thrilled that she could communicate so beautifully.

the toddler stage is amazing.  each day they learn and do something new.  i love being shocked by the new things that happen each day with a toddler.  some days are better than others, there is always that moment when the toddler learns to take off her diaper or play in the potty.  those are not my favorite surprises but the good outweighs the bad...  they are little sponges whose knowledge begins to ooze from inside them outward, without as much effort as when they were babies.  it's so amazing to me that this new found knowledge comes out of the child as if she's had this ability all along and is just now starting to let it come from within.

later that night, as we were going to bed, heath and i were talking about how cute echo had been to state her request.  i laughed because, of course she would pick up on how to best get my attention.  she hears the others all day long saying "mommy?, mommy?  mommy?"  she has been watching the bigger kids and understands that when there is a want or a need, you go to mom and she provides.  whether it be more milk, a snack, a hug, help with a toy, directions to a game, solution to a problem...you go to one of the tall, big people and they will help you out.

i went to bed with this on my mind.  all she had to do was come into the room and call my name.  she was not whining, she was not complaining.  she had a want.  a need.  and she has learned to call my name.  it makes my heart swell.  it makes me feel more connected to her.

and then it hit me.

all i have to do is call His name?  because i have to tell you, there are some nights that i'm so worn, so tired, so confused, so frustrated, so sad, so everything...so anything!...that it's all i CAN do to call His name.  i start my prayer, Dear Heavenly Father....

and there He is.  "Yes, honey?"

and He waits.  He waits to hear what my heart has to say.  what are my needs?  what are my wants?  i'm most certain that His heart swells when He hears my voice call to Him.  i'm certain that He feels my desire to be close to Him in that moment.  and i know it makes us more connected.

and just like echo, there may be a time, should be a time that i ask specifically for what i want or (think) that i need.  shocking.  He wants me to be specific.  so that He can provide.

will He give me my wants every time?  no.  and thank goodness.  thank goodness!  i've prayed for some pretty crazy stuff in my lifetime and if He'd honored those prayers, well, it's a good thing He's the one in charge.  but he does give me my needs.  and just like a parent to a child, He knows my needs better than i do.

and there are times that i just want to say His name.  to be close to Him.  i guess like echo does with me.  she just wants to say my name.  because she can now.  and she likes it.  it gets her closer to me.  it is a reminder that she is with me.

sometimes i just want to remind God that i'm with Him too.  even when i don't know exactly what to pray or what to say.  sometimes i just want Him to know that  i'm here.  i'm listening.  i want to be close to you.  my Heavenly Father.

i have been so blessed to have my kids.  they are a bunch of clowns, they drive me nuts and they make me age very quickly.  but i love them and they are a constant reminder to me of how God sees each one of us.  in my eyes, my children are beautiful, special and wonderful.  i want them to come to me.  i want them to ask me for things.  i want to see/hear their needs.  and i want to try and provide for them the best way that i can, the best way that i know.  i want to do what is best for each one of them.

that's what God wants from me and for me, as well.

all i have to do is call His name.

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13

Year 2. Let's Do This!

Here we are.  year 2 of our stay here in london.  year 2 of our time in st. nicholas preparatory school.  year 2 of a fun family adventure together.  to think how quickly the first year went by makes me scratch my head in wonder.  where did the time go?  how could it go so quickly?  and at this rate, if every year goes by so quickly, i need to hang on for dear life, because all those older mothers who said, "cherish each moment, it goes by in a blink..."  well, maybe they are right...

today was the first day of school for my big three.  reese and maddox started year 2 and zane started reception.  i can hardly type through my tears.  they seemed so big, so determined, so ready, so proud and so strong.  each one, in their own way, was ready to tackle this day full on.  maddox, with his words of wisdom as he helped his little brother put on his proper school clothes.  zane no longer in his gym kit uniform from last year, but rather his school uniform, "just like maddox's".  he could not wait to get it on.  and he was so ready to hear maddox teach him how to put each piece on.  reese, my sweet girl, more quiet and timid than the boys, steadied herself as she carefully put each piece of clothing on, just right.  she took great pride in telling me how she wanted her hair this morning.  she expressed her joy over having a teacher that she was excited to meet and get to know.  

Daddy and the gang.

Outside of our flat.

Zane wanted a funny picture.

So did Maddox.

Reese wanted a "good picture".
She didn't have any interest in
the boys' shenanigans today.

when we asked the kids who their teachers were, reese knew right away, maddox had to think for a bit, but remembered quickly and zane's simple reply was, "i have no idea".  (and clearly didn't care!)

Maddox, our courageous child,  was the first to volunteer to go to his class.
Here he is with his teacher, Ms. Edge.

Reese was the next to go.  She was excited to have a "tiny teacher".  
Ms. Garland is really small and Reese thinks it's so cute.  I'll have to
remind her that dynamite comes in small packages...

Zane was taken lastly to Ms. Jacqueline.  I've heard she is a
strong teacher and keeps the kids in line...is there any wonder
why Zane was placed in her room?

now that they are all in their classrooms and i've had time to go to the gym, give echo her lunch and put her down for a nap....it all seems so quiet.  if i thought i was about to lose my cool on the bus ride after dropping them off at school, i'm certainly losing it now.  i have to have time to breathe, to cry, to look at their pictures and to hear the stillness of this house.

i've had time.

i'll have more time.

much more time while they are away this year.  i'll have time to ride around the city, go see some museums, try new foods, read some books, see new sights, visit more landmarks, see more plays, cook better dinners....(okay, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves).  i've realized that this is year 2!  we said we'd be here for about 2 years and we are IN IT!  this is it.  i want to make the most of it.  i want to enjoy it.

here we go.

year 2.

let's do this.

First Day of school 2011.  Looking a little unsure.

First Day of School 2012.  Wow, what a
difference a year can make!

Guess who starts St. Nicholas in January 2013!?  Get ready!!!

Silence Has A Sound

i'd never really thought about whether or not silence made a sound.  i mean, seriously...it's a difficult thing to try to wrap your brain around.  silence making a sound?  that's just weird.

it was the first morning after we'd landed.  i'd woken up early and decided to go ahead and get up before everyone and have my first cup of coffee.  this is not normal for me at ALL!  i love my sleep and unless i'm getting up to go enjoy boot camp at 5:30 am, you better bet that i'm going to be in bed.  not to mention that my all-time favorite part of the day is when the kids come into my room and get into bed with me and we snuggle for the first part of our day.  one by one they trickle into my bed and we snuggle until i have all three.  then i get up and get echo and breakfast begins. and all the craziness begins as well.

but on this morning, i got up and got that coffee.  i quickly realized how QUIET the house was at that moment.  actually, heath and i had gotten in the bed the night before and been a little freaked out by the eerie silence.  where were the fire trucks?  where were the cars?  where were the porters talking on the phone at the front of our flat?  where were the dogs barking or babies crying on their way to the park?  where was the city noise?

the silence was deafening.

reverse culture shock.  we were right in the middle of it.

so, to wake up to more silence was a bit freaky.  i walked around rooms of the house, looking at things that i'd missed, pictures i'd not seen in quite a while, furniture i'd not sat in, walls i'd not touched.  it's silly, but i was a tad emotional.  how could i miss london and all of it's chaos and yet adore the beauty and luxury of living in a quiet, suburban town?  how could i miss all that noise?  how could i miss hearing the rubbish being picked up at 7 a.m. on a saturday morning....okay, i didn't miss THAT!

you know, i kinda felt like the bachelorette, being in love with two men at one time.  haha!  one is comfortable and safe, warm and kind.  the other is exciting and action packed, fun and wild.  how could i love such opposite things?  how could i love both?  (strange analogy, i know.)

i sat at my back window for quite a long time.  just thinking.  just listening to the silence.  and the silence seemed to have a sound.  a familiar, sweet sound.  one that i'd not heard in awhile.  it was calming.  soothing.  refreshing.  it was beautiful.  memories came flooding back of things that have already happened in this house.  we had not lived here long until we packed up and moved away.  i thought of all that we have to be thankful for here and there.  what we have to be thankful for in our silence as well as our noise.

i'd remembered buying this house only a couple of years ago for many reasons but one big reason was this window.  the view was spectacular and i wanted to wake up every morning to such happiness....

i'm not sure how long i'd been sitting there in the window, when i heard my early bird coming down the stairs.  the pitter patter of maddox's little feet was the break of my silence and i turned to him with a grin from ear to ear.  he quietly came over and sat by my side and began to look out the window with me.  we sat for a bit and then he asked, "what are you doing here, mommy".  i replied, "sitting here listening to the silence and waiting for you."

not long after that, reese came down.  normally she is a late sleeper but the jet lag forces us awake sooner than we'd like in the first few mornings back.  she came and sat down with us too.  and asked, "mommy, what are you doing?"  and i replied, "sitting here with maddox, just looking outside and waiting for you."

we started to talk about memories of this window, nothing as sentimental as what i'd been originally thinking.  no, they were asking, "do you remember when that bird hit the window and blood was on the window?"  "mommy, do you remember when that tiny bird (a humming bird) flew into the screen and daddy had to hammer it's beak out with that book."

yep, sentimental just flew out that window.....oh well.

by the time zane had come down to join us, we were all doubled over laughing about the funny memories that had happened right where we were sitting.  and here we were....making another memory!  this will be added to our list.  maybe not as memorable as the bloody bird or tiny beak but it will still be somewhere in our memory bank.

i've looked out that window each morning since we've been here.  it's a window that makes me so happy.  it's big and bright and beautiful in the mornings.  the window makes my coffee taste better.

i've not relished another silent morning since that morning.  i've not sat in the silence and listened to the stillness.  it's been the usual hustle and bustle from that day forward but i still look out my window and know that silence makes a really lovely sound.  a captivating and riveting sound that i can't quite put my finger on.

i love living in london.  i love the crazy, constant movement.  i love that the city is alive at every moment of every day.  i love it.

and i love my sweet, soft marietta.  i love the stillness.  i love the silence.  i love that families hunker down together in the evenings and sleep in silence.  i love that the town seems to be "on hold" for a few hours each night.  i love that it feels as though time stops.  i love it.

is it possible to be in love with both?  i believe so.  i'm in love with both.  do i know where my heart truly belongs and will eventually end up?  absolutely.  so when we return to the hustle and bustle of that big city and take in the sights and sounds all over again, i think i will appreciate it even more.

because i know that my silence waits here for me.  i know the sound of silence.  and i will relish it again in my return.

Find rest (wait in silence), O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  psalm 62:5

It Takes a Village

you know the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child"?  well, i'm starting to understand it a little better.  i'm starting to embrace it a little more.  here is the thing, i have a tendency to be controlling.  yep, control is good for me.  it makes me feel large and in charge.  i like to know where everything is in my home, i like to know what everyone is doing in my family.  i just have a need to be ever so slightly....in charge.  and most moms would agree that we truly feel that no one can raise our children like we can.  no one can run our household as well as we can.  no one can clean or put things away as well as we can.  not even close.  we, as moms, are the best.  right?

so, even though i know the common phrase, "it takes a villiage", deep down, i never truly believed it.  until recently.  

our lives have been turned over and over, left and right, upside down, backwards and forwards in the past year.  with three, already young children, we took on little echo and then moved out of the country.  and i, deep down, thought that we could do it on our own.  okay, i knew we would have the help of God.  that goes without saying.  but, other than that, i felt like we could manage it.  

but slowly i started to see my control leaving me.  we decided that it might be a good idea to hire a nanny while in london.  and we did.  back in the states, we had already asked some amazing people to live in our home and care for it while we are abroad.  and as picky as we are...these people are even picker!  they are neat-freaks at its finest!  but i soon realized that, not only was i no longer in control of it all, i wasn't in control of much of anything.  i actually felt very out of control.  

*insert freaked out mother here*

we came home to the states a few weeks ago, our family of 6, nanny with us, and "house guards" all under the same roof.  it's such a funny sight and sound to be in our home these days.  four young children tearing through the house, our australian nanny with her beautiful accent and our awesome columbian family speaking in spanish to one another.  i'm here to tell you, it's amazing to say the least.  and i have learned that THIS is our family right now.  this is what we do, this is how we live, this is what works for us right now.  

are things done exactly the way that i want?  no.  not always.  but then, sometimes they are done even better.

can i walk around in my underwear these days or leave a bathroom door open while nature calls?  nope.  but it's where we are in life right now.   

my children spent time with my parents last weekend while heath and i attended a fun event with friends in tennessee.  when i came to pick them up, they had a million stories to share about what they had done.  playing in a creek, reading bedtime stories and learning the game of chess with granddaddy.  stories about how grandma had dropped a ball, it rolled down the hill and into the road where a car ran over it.  the kids told me that it was okay though, "grandma said she didn't like that ball anymore, anyway."  they told me about my sister, cherish, coming over and bringing her boys so that they could spend the night all together at my parents' house.  oh my, i'm sure that house was full...and FUN!  the stories that they told me were hysterical.  they had the best time!  do i believe that things were handled the way that i would handle them?  nope.  even though i gave my mother strict, well-written directions on what to do with echo, do i believe that she followed them perfectly?  nope.  and i'm glad.  my children experienced something special with their grandparents and it's partly due to the fact that they were out of their routine.  they were experiencing something new and different.  

after picking the children up, we went straight to the beach to meet up with heath's parents for a week of fun.  usually when we go, it is constant madness, from the moment we wake up, get the kids fed, sunblock on, suits on, beach bags packed, kissed a few boos boos, put a couple (or all four in time-out) and kids out the door and to the beach or pool.  and it was still constant chaos.  but this time, this time...i had time to sit!  time to watch them play, time to talk to other adults, time to relax and breathe.  all i could think about as i watched the kids being thrown around by their pappy and hearing their grandmother laugh was, "wow, it takes a villiage to raise these kiddos.  look at how happy everyone is!"  not only did we have heath's parents but we'd taken along our nanny!  we actually had more adults than children for once!!!  it was a beautiful thing.  

did i have complete control?  nope.   

now ask me if i minded one tiny bit...  no way!

last year we took the kids to the beach and we barely brought back any pictures.  i think we managed to take 6 pictures and they were in our condo.  no beach pictures.  it was our tiny family of 6 and we had no time (or energy) for pictures.  i clearly remember last year trying to go to dinner with this "new" family (keep in mind, we'd only had echo for a month)  we tried to take them to the pool.  we tried to take them to the beach.  we tried but i remember once we finally got down to the beach or pool, someone had to go to the bathroom, one of them had fallen and skinned their knee, somebody needed a nap and had pooped their diaper, someone was whining and at least three wanted to be carried.  and let's not forget all the beach/pool paraphernalia that one must take when toting children.  chairs, balls, floats, towels, food, diapers, sippy cups...the list goes on.  multiplied by four.  i'm not sure how much fun heath and i had and i'm not even sure we were very successful.  we'd brought them all home alive so we felt like this was an achievement. 

i do remember telling my mom that i was exhausted from the so called vacation.  i needed a vacation to recover from the vacation.

this year, we took pictures.  we played at the beach AND pool for at least four hours each day, echo got her naps, we went to dinner and we ENJOYED.  it will certainly be a trip to remember.

you know, our family has been blessed in so many ways.  big and small.  we've had a chance of a lifetime to go and live in another country and see parts of the world that i'd only read about.  yes, we've been blessed.  but we've been blessed far beyond the travel, far beyond the trips, far beyond the fantastic adventure of it all.  we've been blessed with amazing people in our lives.  we have a family that loves us and is, not only there when we need them, but who genuinely want to be with us.  they truly love us.  and we've been blessed to have special people placed in our lives to help get us through this crazy time.  people who are willing to care for our children, care for our home and ultimately...care for us.

during our prayer last night, maddox wanted to "pray for our family".  he named our family members one by one and without missing a beat, included the names of our nanny as well as the names of the people living in our US home...

so, the fact that i open a drawer in my home and can't find a certain cutting knife or sippy cup is not such a big deal.  the realization that i may not be the one to kiss a boo boo or that i can't be there for every funny story is okay.  the moment when heath is caught in his boxers by one of the females living in our home...it's okay.  it's all good.  this is our life.  our crazy, adventurous life.  i can't do it all.  i was never intended to do it all.  i'm not in control and i'm still learning that maybe i don't want to be totally in control.  divide and conquer, right?  

it takes a village.

Beach Babe

These three loved the ocean this year!